To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

What bit is relentless? She has decent nighttime sleep, a couple of hours a day while the baby naps, no school runs, no laundry or cleaning, time to meditate and get foot rubs. It’s one baby who naps and sleeps well and someone else does the housework. It’s anything but relentless, it’s extremely cushy.

Yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…
What do you want from society ?

@Luckystarss you’ve had over 100 replies over a 4 hour period. I wonder if any of them have been helpful to you?

my impression is that you are either quite a negative person or you are depressed? We can’t diagnose you online of course.

You don’t seem to recognise your privilege? - a reliable partner, 2 healthy children, lots of free time (despite you calling family life a 17 hour shift!) money apparently no object. Very little housework to consider.You barely cook - just a quick pan of pasta or similar.

what do you actually want? Why are you so resentful and unhappy in a life that many would dream of? What would make a difference?

for example -
If you want more childcare perhaps you could swap some of the cleaning staff hours for childcare?

Who says the dh isnt going to bed at the same time? The son goes to bed after cuddle at 8ish. So from 8-2 all are sleeping apart from when baby wakes (both have to wake up at 11 and 2) and then until 5 when op is awake for good and dh presumably gets to carry on sleeping (the only one at this point getting a long chunk of sleep).

Do you go round telling all the nanny’s of the world they don’t do anything? Looking after a napping child for 6 hours is piss easy? Day in day out whilst waking up for hours in the night?

Just out of curiosity, what SHOULDNT he do? They are both “on duty” for equal times in the day aside from a 30 min break in the evening

What you're describing sounds normal with kids. At the end of the day we choose to have them. I did it all as a lone parent and I couldn't afford things like cleaners! Just crack on with it.

So DH goes to work 7-7, has time to shower and eat and then goes straight to bed? Within a hour of getting home from work? And takes over childcare at the weekend? What chores can possibly be left for the OP to do at the weekend when she has staff 5 days of the week? I am really struggling to understand how you can defend this as not “more than enough”? OP wakes at 6am - so does DH unless he can go from asleep to commute in a nanosecond?

Why on Earth is the DH waking up to take the breastfed 6mo baby to his mother? He has a living to earn 12 hours of the day, she is at home WITH STAFF AND A BABY WHO NAPS!

I have breastfed two children. I’ve had a nanny when I had more than one child. I’ve always had a cleaner. A DH who works across time zones. I’ve been a SAHM and I’ve worked PT. None of it is easy but I can say 100% that being a SAHM with staff 5/7 and a napping 6mo and an older child at school is a very, very cushy set up. Far, far more cushy than the DH’s situation in this set up.

And yes, my nanny (who we adore and who still “babysits” occasionally even though my DC don’t need babysitting anymore) would be the first to tell you that getting paid to look after a napping 6mo is indeed piss easy (unless the baby has special needs or requires specific medical attention - not always apparent at 6mo but they change easily). This from a woman who was the sole breadwinner and carer for her disabled husband. What’s there to do? The baby needs food, cuddles, clean nappies, taken for a walk, interacted with for a bit between naps. What else is there? OP doesn’t even have to wash the clothes or dishes, tidy up the mess, clean the bathtub. Unless there’s a backstory yes, it is piss easy even when you’re breastfeeding (only twice!!) in the night.

Hey, I'd kill for that much sleep and support, but what OP is doing with it sounds really dull. 5 month old babies aren't great conversationalist so if she's not socialising it will feel like a grind.

I must have missed some details in the rest of the post!!

Firstly, stop the night feeds. 6 months olds don't need several night feeds. Then you can get more sleep and feel less tired.

Secondly why are you wasting energy playing with a 6 month old? Take her out and do what you want to do, meet friends, go to groups etc.

Other than that as others have said your life seems far easier than most. Your husband helps, your other child is older, you have paid cleaners every day.

I clicked on this thinking it was a babysitter trying to get through two back to back bookings of looking after people’s kids🤣

Sorry no advice but this is literally just parenting. I have no help

I would aim to get a 6 month old to sleep less during the day. Then they will sleep longer at night. I don't think being up & down all night is sustainable long term. Lots of people will say it's normal - but a baby that age who is on solids should not need to be up during the night other than maybe a top up feed.

Could you go back to work earlier than 7 months?

I don't think the point about 17h childcare shifts is relevant at all. What about single parents?

And no one would ever ask someone to babysit 30 children by themselves yet 1000s of teachers do this every day!

This isn't a "shift" it's being a parent. Who on earth would describe looking after their own child as doing a childcare shift!!! Jeesh!!!
Welcome to parent life.

I think the fact that childcare settings exist, and that free hours available to even non working parents mean that society doesn’t ‘expect’ that of mothers. If you’re not coping, or don’t want to cope, but the baby into childcare for some of the week.

Or used shared parental leave and go back to work early and let DH take 3+ months of your remaining leave.

There’s plenty of options, but if you are choosing the one that sees you stay home with your baby then yes it will look like this.

This is honestly very normal.
My schedule is far more intense and busier than this and I don't have cleaners and all of that.

I think you are just not enjoying motherhood and that's fine. It is very mundane but it passes by quickly.

Ummm….while I sympathise with the drudgery- its not ‘childcare’ if its your own child….

You need to get DD sleeping through the night. At 6 months she shouldn’t need so many feeds, especially during the night! She should be perfectly capable of sleeping through.

Is she on solids? If not, get her on them asap and reduce milk feeds.

I wouldn’t call that a decent nighttime sleep. It’s what mine were doing at 3 weeks old 😳

Thank you all so much for reading my post and for taking time to share your comments on experience/practical tips and some telling me off (which ironically proves my point about expectations). However, I truly appreciate these comments too as they help me to put it all into perspective. Thank you

For those concerned about DH downtime - he works 8 hour (well 7 as one hour is for lunch), commute is long - it’s 3.5-4hrs but with a comfy train (seat,table,WiFi- wouldn’t call it downtime as such - but he can listen to music and catch up with his thoughts, chill out for 3.5-4hrs daily plus also when he has DD in the evening - she is so tired she nearly always asleep or 1 hour of playtime max. So his downtime is anything from 8-11pm at least daily…
I want to set example for my DS that it is not only women that need to do everything. But appreciate that other families have different set ups, which is fine.

regarding being stuck in the house - that’s a fair point, I had c section with complications which meant I couldn’t drive for a long time and just recently recovered fully. So yes being at home was the routine and potentially I got stuck into it too much but now I do go out (not much though - so thank you all for the helpful tips on activities to try out, some very very useful advice. Especially those adult focused. There are only few baby classes around here that I found, actually there is baby rhyme classes I found and I will go from next week and maybe ask there for some more information around other activities to try :) but just general other activities that I can do with baby in tow also helpful.

as for dinner times - slow cooker! Of course! Not sure why I did not think of that! I used to use it loads few years back! I will get some recipes dusted off and start cooking in it again. Thank you.

in relation to mindset - attitude & gratitude- thank you, alll valid points, actually I will stick this post by someone to my fridge and refer to it daily “ mat leave/spending time with my DD is something I GET to do, not something I HAVE to do”.
maybe I even start gratitude journal as someone pointed out to focus on all the good things I have ..

Again thank you all so much. I feel this is exactly what I needed and I have much more positive view on things now and practical advice I can use from now on

I appreciate that you want to prove to your ds that men should be involved with their children, but genuinely, I think it is unreasonable to expect him to be up so much every night when he also has to go to work. You have time in the day to rest and catch up on sleep, you have 3 hours of nap time to chill in! Why does he have to share night time wake ups every night?

Back in the day when we were having babies in our teens we never got to have self indulgent time so just accepted the drudge of wife and mum work. Now we are torn from our lives into that world and it’s not easy. OP it sounds a little as though you’re watching the clock until you can get back to what you want to do/be. The massages and meditation.

You’ll get it back. I had three in three years and lost myself - it was traumatic! Now they’re grown and I can please myself again. Three more years and it will be so much easier.

I want to set example for my DS that it is not only women that need to do everything. But appreciate that other families have different set ups, which is fine

Which sex are your cleaners?

Exactly. OP is living like a princess, while her poor DH is doing it all. Cleaners Mon-Fri then the baby gets pushed onto DH the moment he gets home from an exhausting long day? And he's doing the night shift and weekend care... OP is incredibly lucky but doesn't know it

I think this must be a reverse..

I'm coming up to 14 months off (maternity and annual leave) and can totally relate, although DD sleeps with me and we don't have a cleaner. I also have a 6 year old and do both drop off and pick up on the school run. I am BORED of the same shit different day 😂 can't wait to go back to work in January

😭😭😭