To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

It is relentless with young children but honestly you are in a very privileged position with a DH that does so much despite being out of the house 12 hours a day for work. If all your cleaning is outsourced then you have plenty of time for downtime when baby naps. Also you could stay up till 9pm say so you have an hour after kids go to sleep. Being a mother is not comparable to being a nanny- you would not ask a nanny to do a 17 hour shift, much like it would be unreasonable for your employer to ask you to do the same.

Many of us look after our children with no partner (I'm married but DH works offshore), don't have the luxury of a cleaner mon -fri and have to juggle work. It's not a race to the bottom but I don't think you have realistic expectations of being a mother, unless you yourself get a nanny.

It's biologically normal

I was expecting you to say you were single parenting a disabled child who never slept or something.
Within your "17 hours" there's 3-6 hours where your dc is sleeping. Your dh is also taking her for 6 hours every evening so you get unbroken sleep.

Its really not bad at all.
You might enjoy it more if you use your morning to get out more - pop to a group or something, get some adult conversation and time out of the house.

my point is babies don’t need to be feeding in the night at 6 months.

Some do but starting solids usually helps and you can get it dropped when 3 meals a day well established

Bottle feed

You have loads of time to yourself because your baby naps 3 hours a day and you have a cleaner. You have it very easy.

At 6 months old, your baby is waking frequently in the night due to hunger. Feed her more food.

I cook meals during the school day. Mine are much older than yours but I do this for several reasons. It allows me time to focus on homework when they get in from school. Also if they fight I am there to deal with it, not divide my time in the kitchen and living room.

Definitely prepare meals during the day as it saves so much time.

Nobody is jealous of you, we are just astounded at you moaning when you clearly have more help than most. You enjoy your rest, it sounds hard earned.

I think good on you for having cleaners etc. it was the non stop tidying, cooking and school runs that dragged me down in my last maternity leave.

would defo recommend finding a class or two to go to each week. You could try and find a few different ones and swap between to keep things varied. I use to love a good walk with the pushchair and a cup of coffee.

I am on maternity leave at the moment. I have a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. I was so miserable at the start. When baby was 4 months old I started to plan my day out better and its really helped me.

1. I use a slow cooker for my meals which means less time cooking and a warm meal for dinner
2. Lunches are simple sandwich, veg, salads etc
3. We have an activity planned for every single day. We leave the house at 9:30 and get back for 12:00. We go to a mix of children’s centres, church groups, library groups. This has really saved my mat leave. I needed to get out the house for my own sanity.

I don’t really understand the issue. You get time off in the day when daughter sleeps, and when she’s awake she’s not at a taxing age, should still be at the age where they’re happy to look at the world around them from the pushchair while you go for a walk, meet a friend for coffee etc. Baby groups are purely for the benefit of the mum really to stop you getting bored, try that? Take her swimming? Motherhood is hard and mundane at times but it sounds like you have a very fortunate set up with regards to cleaning, laundry etc. and your eldest being in school!

If you’re really struggling with the boredom could you go back to work early?

I like to make dinner in The morning. So slow cooker- prepare curry, Bologna’s, beef ragu etc. Or have all your veg and meat chopped for stir fry. Do as much as you can so getting food on table later is quicker. I’m not sure I understand your comments about a childcare worker …I look after my kids 24/7. Yes some of that they are asleep but there is always one waking up for some reason or other. That’s just parenthood. To be honest at first I thought you were pregnant with two children. I’d have had more sympathy. But you have a cleaner and your child naps. What’s not to like?!

She sounds an ungrateful, entitled princess. Poor DH, dancing to her tune

The thing that struck me when reading your day was the lack of social connection for you. Do you have any existing friends on maternity leave or have you made any new ones? I fondly remember weekly meet up at each others houses, coffees after swimming lessons, long buggy walks in the rain with a pal to try and get DS to nap.

If your DH leaves the house at 7am each morning what time does your poor son get to school? Why aren’t you taking him to school each day?

My daughter used to have to do breakfast club every morning when my partner and I both worked, but I loved giving her a later start in the mornings when I was on mat leave, and doing the school run added structure to the day for me with my son.

When does your dh get a break? Sounds like never.

Agree that the 'childcare shift' terminology makes you sound worryingly distanced from your child(ren). By the title I thought the post was going to be from an exploited nanny or au pair.

Wow - it's not really a race to the bottom is it?

There are always going to be those who have it easier/harder. It is drudgery a lot of the time in the early days, whilst also having lovely moments.

The reality is, it can just be a bit, dare I say it, boring at times. And repetitive.

You know it will whizz by OP but I know that isn't particularly helpful when you are in it. Before you know it, your daughter will in school and you will look back at the pictures wondering how on earth they were ever so small! As I am sure you do with your son.

P.S the foot massager sounds ace - looking into that!

Hang on, why is it 'downtime' for your dh when your dd is asleep, but for you it's part of your 'childcare shift'?

Don’t forget the ‘downtime’ of a long travel to work as well 🙄

i simply do not share your view that man has nothing to contribute to baby care and should only focus on his work and his sleep. Sorry not sorry

Literally no one has said this. My view is that he is contributing far more than his fair share. Of course he should be involved and taking his turn looking after the baby but you seem to be ignoring the fact that he works all day (and you’ve also said you both have high pressure jobs) whereas you have a day where you have barely any housework to do and where your baby sleeps for 3 hours of it. What are you doing in those 3 hours? Not cooking or cleaning or laundry! Resting I assume.

You are breastfeeding. And it doesn’t sound like your baby is having bottle feeds. So what’s the point of both of you being up when she needs feeding? Especially when one of you is working a full day. I’ve never understood this. Her sleep sounds reasonable for a 6 month old. You should be able to deal with a couple of nightime wake ups without your dh having to also be up for every single one. It would surely be fairer if he was taking her at night just a couple of times a week and was able to get a decent nights sleep on occasion! Honestly, I breastfed and we never did bottles and I think that’s the price we pay for that - our DH’s can’t feed them so why does everyone need to be tired?

what you’ve described is being a parent??? I’m so confused…

if you’re bored then go to baby classes, I’ve just gone back to work from maternity leave and some weeks I went to a class every week day

I think you need to quite literally get out more. I have a 2 year gap but with my first we lived in a flat and I didn’t have to look after another child so it was all about walks and coffees and baby classes and I loved it.

With my second, our first few months were awful as he had hours of purple crying every day so I never went anywhere. I then got into the mindset of keeping our big house tidy and getting dinner ready for DS1, etc. It then meant that I was stuck at home and it was so lonely and boring. Until I snapped out of it and kept myself busy with baby classes and walks and now after 14 months at home I’m about to go to return to work and am sad my mat leave is ending.

Keeping yourself busy and getting out more will make a huge difference.

🤣

OP you really need to reset your thinking.

Most people on maternity leave don't just have 'childcare' to do, they also do all the cleaning and laundry.

At one point I was at home on maternity leave, with a 6 month old, and a a just over 2 yr old. DH left the house at 630am, and got in at 8pm- with more work to do once he'd eaten.
I did all night waking, all cooking, all cleaning & laundry. All bath & bedtime routine on my own. Kept the kids entertained all day. They didn't nap at the same time, and my eldest didn't watch any TV.
We couldn't afford 'help'.

I made sure we went out every day. Even if just to walk the dog.
You don't have a long childcare shift. You have the chance to spend time with your child as they develop and grow. You have lots of help with household tasks, so enjoy the time with your baby.

Exactly this. If your baby’s having a good diet and enough breastfeeds during the day then they shouldn’t need feeding in the night.

No one’s ‘restricting’ feeds, they just shouldn’t need them.