To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

I think you've got a pretty easy run considering what most parents have to do. Your partner really pulls his weight. I'd just add in some walks or trips to cafes. Try and spend less time prepping food in the evening (slow cooker first thing in the morning or five min tray bakes like sausage, potatoes and peppers) so that your 7yo gets some attention from you too. What sort of practical advice do you want? Not totally sure what the issue is really.

That’s normal life with a baby.

My tip is get up and out of the house before 10am, go to the playground, go to the park, anywhere. Get good rain gear.
Do this every day it really helps.

I don't understand this post.

It's not a shift it's looking after your children?

Does your DD nap in her cot, if so you can relax and do jobs make dinner when she's napping. Get as much as you can done in the day so dinnertime isn't a mad rush. If DD wants to contact nap get a sling or wrap carrier and do jobs with her on you.

Why is your DH doing so much? When is his downtime? Presumably you get plenty of time to chill whilst feeding baby.

There are many replies on here where when a new mother posts regarding how tired she is the answer has been "when does babies dad/your DH do childcare" so it's no wonder its now seen on MN by some as childcare instead of parenting.

It's just parenting your children isn't it? It's not 17 hour shifts of childcare. It'll be over soon enough.

It's not childcare it's being part of a family. Caring for family members!
You get a hell of a lot of help. You sound bored!
I agree with others.....get out and about etc

Of course society expects you to parent your own children. You don’t have to stay on maternity leave if you don’t want to though, go back to work and outsource childcare instead.

It’s what I did. I was bored out of my mind.

Why don't you just go back to work if you are unhappy?

I'm not sure if you're looking for serious answers or not, but realistically you just need to pay someone to pick DS up from school and then look after the baby while you're spending time with DS and cooking dinner. You could drop a couple of midweek days of your 5 day cleaners to cover it if you don't have the extra money.

@Workhardcryharder I was in this exact situation, except 6 months mat leave and was also going through a renovation in the middle of winter. No cleaner and having to wash clothes in sub zero temperatures and cook dinner in the microwave. It was my absolute pleasure to have that small bit of time with my newborn, and to be able to do the school run in the mornings.

Same here!

I was a sahm when mine were small and it is pretty mundane and relentless so I do feel for you OP. I honestly don’t really remember that much of DC2 first year, although I did also have a 2 year old. Sleep deprivation does drive you a bit mental so maybe try and focus on your baby’s sleep and see if that helps, but I can’t really advise as although DC1 slept through from about 6 months, DC2 woke every night til she was about 3 so I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.

For me personally getting out and about pretty much every day is what saved my sanity. For us it was mostly toddler focused and the baby just fitted in. We had a routine of toddler group/ play date/ soft play/swimming/ playground etc in the morning and then home for lunch and nap. Afternoons we tended to stay home and just play, go in the garden, sometimes we’d go for a walk or something or to the park, and then tea for kids and bath and basically count down the hours until DH got home! On the 2 mornings DC1 had nursery I used to meet a friend for a coffee with the baby or go and do a supermarket shop

You just have the baby so presumably you can go to baby groups and other activities to occupy you during school hours. It is relentlessly dull though if you have nothing to do! After school is tedious for all parents I think, especially in winter but you could do an activity a night or 2 a week? Swimming lessons, beavers, gymnastics etc? Bit of play time, bit of tv time, reading practice, dinner, bath.

I’m not really sure what your issue is because it does just sound like life with kids. Are you bored or overwhelmed?

Blimey. I don’t mean to be harsh but… catch yourself on.

You don’t even have to think about cleaning and laundry, for crying out loud.

If you’re bored by motherhood at the moment, fine, admit that. Address it practically. But you’re dressing it up like it’s societal pressure and you aren’t getting any breaks, help or downtime and that really doesn’t seem to be the case here.

You are kidding, right?

I'm on maternity leave at the moment. DD is 4 months old (DS is nearly 8 years, too). She sleeps next to me during the night because I'm breastfeeding. I get up at 6am, get in the shower and get dressed. Get DD dressed, wake up DS for school. I then make breakfast and sort the lunchbox, tell DS to get dressed and ready for school about 5 million times. Get everyone in the car to take DS to school. Drop him off. We then go and do stuff. We either go to baby group, swimming, my exercise class or see friends/family. We are usually home for lunch, then go and pick up DS from school. I take him to rugby or swimming after school, DD in tow at all times. She just naps whenever and wherever she wants. We tend to come home at about 7pm and I get dinner sorted, everyone ready for bed. I read with DS and it's bedtime. We start over the next day.

We don't have a cleaner. I clean whenever I'm home for a bit or when DS is at his dad's. I keep busy, though. I think that was a mistake I made last time when I had DS. It took me forever to go out and I felt really isolated. My husband left just before DD's birth and is behaving like a right twat, so I also tend to have legal appointments and stuff like that to sort out whenever DS is at school.

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

presumably your diamond shoes pinch a bit too.

I agree with lots of people that the actual problem is the exact opposite of what you say it is. The problem is that you don't have enough on, not that you have too much, and that you are bored shitless.

Your husband does so so much. 12 hours out at work, immediately in to 7pm to 2am childcare ie 7 hours, then he gets a grand total of 5 hours to himself to include sleep.

He takes your eldest to school so he's presumably at a breakfast club?

Whereas you have 3 hours in the day to yourself, plus 7pm to 2am, 7 hours so a total of 10 hours to yourself, double what your husband has.

Go out, do more, do something!, and that will solve your problems.

Do the school run yourself, make friends there, go for walks with your dd and friends.

Congratulations, if you give me a moment I’ll fetch you a medal!

Not everyone shares the same experiences

I’m wondering when your husband gets a chance to rest? Sounds like he is the one doing a lot more

What an odd take on a perfectly normal parenting situation.

I’m confused. It’s not a 17 hour “shift”, is it?
2am feed, yes… but then you’re back to sleep until 6am so let’s call it a 13 hour shift. She sleeps 3 hours of that, so we’re down to 10. You have a daily cleaner so zero housework to do. Two school runs, normal. Make tea, normal.

Your husband spends most of the night with a baby, goes to work for 12 hours, comes home and has baby given back to him.

I’m honestly struggling to see what the big problem is here other than you allowing yourself to be a victim.

Do you think you may have PND?

Gently, this shouldn’t be so hard.
You seem to have more help/less stress than most people and so it’s a concern that you are struggling so much.

It seems your DH is doing a lot more than you but you’re still struggling.

You say 4-7 are the most challenging times.
Is that because of DS, DD or because it’s both of them together?

I would think of activities that you can do eg go to the park, feed the ducks, go swimming, have messy play, painting, play in the bath etc

I would get a playpen for DD which will make it easier to prepare dinner etc or spend time playing with DS.

Do you have an adult company apart from your DH?
I would look into playgroups for DD or activities that you can take DS to and chat to other adults.

One school run @Tetchypants
The husband does the other one.

They almost do the same amount of childcare/housework but the husband works 12 hours ooh as well.

Op these answers may sound harsh, but a reality check of your privilege should help you work out if there's something deeper at play here.

If you do still think you're hard done by after reading these messages, I'd suggest a trip to the doctors to discuss pnd.

Exactly.
What's the problem?

I think getting out everyday, even if just to the park is good. Have you got friends on Mat leave?
I know MN can be a bit funny about mum and baby groups but just socialising with other adults can be helpful. Or is there a gym with a creche you could leave baby for an hour?

It sounds like your DH is doing his fair share and you have help with cleaning etc.
Might you have PND?
The way you're describing it as a shift, maybe feels like you're a bit detached (sorry if I'm completely wrong)