To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

I think you need to try and get out everyday… toddler group, swimming lessons, feed the ducks…

Looking after small people is pretty relentless and I get where you are coming from. But it sounds like you have a really good routine sorted out, DH pulls his weight and you have a cleaner.

All that's missing is you feeling like a person. The only way to achieve that is to build in things for you in to the routine. So like you get to watch your fave tv programme whilst you get the baby to sleep in the sling or whatever. Get out the house daily and do something vaguely grown up, even if it's just to have a coffee with someone or mooch around the park or shops or whatever you can easily access. Read a book whilst bfing. Arrange for someone to look after the baby while you have your haircut or go to the dentist or do the shopping. Drive around until the baby is asleep and then sit and read your book/knit/crochet in the car. Have some days out in your local area - stuff that's free or cheap but baby might enjoy (but if they have a meltdown you can escape without feeling too resentful). Visit garden centres, animal farms, museums, parks, playgrounds, forests and so on.

The other thing is to do some special stuff with your toddler whilst DH has the baby, maybe at the weekend. Then you can assuage some of the mum guilt that maybe you are missing out on them as you are welded to the baby all the time.

It will get better - it just takes time.

I think you might be a little depressed.

I would definitely speak to your GP about possible PND or low mood.

6 months in, it's probably time to stop sleeping in shifts?
I'd do a dream feed bottle at 10pm (or your DH could do this) before your bedtime and then hopefully the baby will sleep til 2am.
Do the 2am breastfeed and baby back to bed. If mine woke again at 5am I'd bring them in to bed with me to feed/snooze until 7.
If your DH does the morning school run, you could shower and get ready during the morning nap. That will give you more evening time to spend with your DH and DS.
Go out in the mornings with your baby - go to a baby group or class, meet friends for coffee. It will make you feel better.
During the afternoon nap, prep dinner and do any housework you need to do. Take a break and watch some TV or something.

Maybe drop a couple of the cleaner days and use the money to get an after school nanny 2 days a week. They could stay with the children and you could go for a swim or take up a hobby?

This is just life with a child and baby. It’ll change soon enough

Nannies do work 17 hours without a break.

@SouthLondonMum22 same! And there's this weird conspiracy of silence that you can't really admit that because then you're a bad mother. But I bet LOADS of women felt that way.

Don't catch many men at the old paternity leave gig with the under-1s, that's for sure.

Yeah agree with others this is normal. Don't need to sleep in shifts though maybe just stay up till last feed get into some tv shows and spend with more time with dh.... Just normal life for having kids it changes again in another 6 months or so. I would need to get out to more activities and meet more people, this is what I found the most relentless part. More slow cooker, use nap time better..you have a good set up it doesn't get much better than this but it is boring at times.

and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

I don’t understand this. Who else should do it apart from mothers? Your DH is providing financial and practical support for the family, he’s doing more than his fair share. Do you think someone should be providing you with nannies around the clock in addition to your daily cleaners and launderers and tidiers? Are you from a culture where this is the norm? Do you think having children is a job and you should have an HR department to complain to? I’m not sure you have understood how the human race works. First we raise our young, then we do things like meditate and have foot massages and pay for cleaning ladies in any spare time. I feel you have this back to front, and am having visions that you’re sore you don’t have time for more extra stuff which you consider more of a necessity than raising the children you chose to have.

Is your baby weaning yet? That might improve sleep and enable you to drop some of the bf, esp at night. Better sleep imo improves everything else even if the mundane is still the same

I can't exactly remember because my DC are teen, but I'm pretty sure at 6 months I was cutting down the amount of bf. DS started sleeping through at that age

He is not doing “more than enough”. He’s doing exactly what he should be doing

Thats not "a shift" - its a typical, normal experience of parenting two young children, one of which is a little baby. Its hard but then it gets easier. And then eventually they are teenagers and it can be seemingly impossibly hard but in a totally different way.

I wish to edit my previous comment - I was thinking initially that yours was a typical experience op but I was wrong, you have cleaners every day. Which totally isnt typical at all.

This is life with children. It's not childcare, its parenting.

It's bloody hard but millions of parents do it. Not a race to the bottom, but I have four children and couldn't afford a cleaner or have anyone to do school runs.

It's hard and your feelings about that are entirely valid. However you have more support and privilege than many do.

You need a change of mindset. It's not a 17 hour shift. A day with your family. It's not easy, but it's just life with a baby. Most people don't have cleaners 5 days a week either... Perhaps get out the house more?
Or if you're really not enjoying it, go back to work.

You're getting an unnecessarily hard time. Yes it's relentless. It's also over quite quickly as you know from your 1st mat leave.

Do you do any structured activities with DD - playgroups or similar? Might give you a chance to chat to other mums?
Breaks the monotony too.
While she's young enough can you go to a gallery or something with her in the sling?

I agree about prepping meals before time so you cam heat up. Or involve your son in pre?

This has to be a joke, with all the talk of "shifts" and waiting for your "break"? This isn't a paid job, this is your life. You chose to be a parent, and this is just what parenting at that age is like. I would say that no-one really knows how relentless it is until they actually do it. It's like that for everyone but honestly, it sounds like you have it pretty good, with your DH doing his fair share including taking DD into a different room as a night nanny would, your "me time" every day with your foot massage and meditation while the children are actually awake rather than during nap time, your cleaner.

I do wish people would consider whether they actually WANT to give up their ability to spend their time how they wish, before they decide to start a family. There is no obligation to have children. It's perfectly ok to decide that you would rather spend the time on yourself. Having a second child only makes it more apparent how full on it is being a parent. Most people don't have family to give the help you seem to want. Occasional babysitting every few months is the norm for a lot of people and some don't even get that.

You ARE at a relentless stage of your parenting journey, I give you that. But you know, that is just the way it is. You just didn't realise before you were a parent. Hire a nanny to give you more of a break if you want to. Switch to bottle feeding so there's less demand on your body physically if you want to. But yeah, this is just it.

Working ooh for 12 hours, 15 mins to shower, taking over baby, waking to bring baby to OP at 11pm, waking to bring baby to OP at 2am, drop off of older child, taking over the baby for most of the weekend, paying for cleaners/laundresses/etc 5 days per week, - while OP is at home with just a baby who naps, one school pick up, one meal to cook (no chores or tidying or laundry or cleaning), time for meditation and foot massages etc.

If roles were reversed MN would be up in arms about how abusive the stay-at-home parent is being towards the wohm parent.

Great post.

OP does sound like one of those "celebrity mums" who have lots of help. I wonder if she is....

If your baby is sleeping 8 pm - 2 am you've hit the jackpot. That's 6 hours of consecutive sleep!

That is such a skewed way of looking at it.

They have “night shifts” where they have the baby half the night each (although let’s not dismiss the fact that the DH gets a long chunk of sleep second half of the night where op has to wake to feed all night still) which is absolutely fair. He SHOULD assist in the nighttime.

He drops off older child. What should he be doing instead? Should he get a nice 45 minute break whilst OP does that? Or does it make sense he do it on the way to work whilst op is at home WITH A BABY (so not sat doing nothing).

Taking over at the weekend whilst OP does other chores I believe?! She’s not sat on her arse!

Don’t even get me started on the “paying for etc“ part.

You have ‘cleaners’ who also do the laundry Mon-Fri and yet you’re still whining? Bloody hell OP, what sort of reality are you living in?

What a bizarre post!

This can’t be a serious post! You’re a parent with one baby at home, a child at school and a daily cleaner? Wise up !

The DH is out of the house 7-7.

He takes over the baby at 7.15pm.

OP goes to bed at 8pm. Has baby brought in to nurse at 11pm, has baby brought in to nurse at 2am.

Who is bringing the baby to her? The DH. He gets in from work at 7. Showers. Takes over the baby at 7.15, they “co-parent” both kids until 8pm. That’s 45mins.

When does the DH actually sleep? After the 7yo and baby go to sleep, presumably. Let’s say, 9pm. He’s up again at 11pm - that’s 2 hours. Up again at 2am - 3 hours. Up for work at say 6am - that’s 4 hours. That’s assuming it takes a minute to wake, take baby to OP, change the nappy, resettle baby, fall asleep. Which is obviously nonsense. Then into another 12 hours shift, 5 days per week. Then take over the baby at the weekend.

Meanwhile OP is complaining about her childcare duties for a napping 6mo baby, the only duties she has as she has staff 5 days per week and DH takes over at the weekend and the older child is at school. She has time to meditate (who the fuck has the mental space or time to meditate with a breastfed 6mo baby?!), daily foot massage, free to nap/ paint her nails/ daydream/ cook one meal a day all day…..and somehow this is fair? You don’t think the DH is doing more than enough, just his fair share? What in all this is fair? This from an OP who sees raising her children as childcare to be done in shifts (we all know what MN thinks of dads who babysit their own children).

Thinking further, this has to be a reverse. Surely? If not, and they’re both happy with this, good for them. As long as it works and everyone is happy. But apparently it’s not enough for the OP. Which is all my point is.