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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Needy MIL moving to be near us

324 replies

ShelfoftheElf · 06/12/2024 21:09

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

OP posts:
Inspectorlemon · 06/12/2024 21:19

She sounds a nightmare. She possibly has a personality disorder. I expect your husband has just got used to her and thinks it’s normal. Sorry, I have no advice about how to deal with this but sending sympathy.

barbarahunter · 06/12/2024 21:22

Is there any chance that you could move further away?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 21:23

she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking. DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing.

Red alert‼️

Your DH is unfortunately right in the FOG and this will end in tears. The only defence you have is very very good boundaries around you. List of rules:

NO key to your house
NO pop-ins
NO overstepping in your house (cleaning, rearranging, choosing decorative items)
DH can do as he pleases but you won't be hosting all the time.

It's going to go badly wrong but you can shield yourself a small amount.

Bigsislookingforadvice · 06/12/2024 21:25

Decide your boundaries, together or just yours if DH won't get on board and stick to them - will she expect a key ? Does she help or want waiting on when she comes over?

Are your parents local ?

Now might be the time to plan some weekends away and get yourself busy so you aren't caught babysitting.

Dameruoy · 06/12/2024 21:30

You're gonna have to move to Scotland too I'm afraid 🤣

Thankfully DPs mum knows doing this is ridiculous. Now she's moving near you you will both feel like you can't move in the future as she will be on her own. It's inconsiderate but from what you've said about her I don't think she'd even consider considering you two in any of her plans. You'll have to set out boundaries as soon as.

Original poster
ShelfoftheElf · 06/12/2024 21:39

I have already told him no key. She's the kind of person who would have one "for emergencies" swear blind she would never use it then be in the house unannounced the next day. I can't cope with pop ins etc and yes she would try to clean and rearrange if she could.

I think it's the walking distance that panics me the most as I know she will "happen to be passing" every day.

If anyone has any coping tips I'd be all ears.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 21:41

Cameras/ring doorbell. Always have a coat by the door so you are 'going out' to a private appointment.

I'd think about a combination lock for the door so 'emergencies' can't involve a key.

NewName24 · 06/12/2024 21:46

YANBU at all.

I agree that there isn't much you can do to stop her, if that is where she chooses to buy, but I think you need to continue to be really clear with her about your boundaries, and her expectations.

Is there an opportunity to repeat all these boundaries in front of someone else (you SiL maybe?), but certainly to repeat them to her in front of your dh at the very least.

amoreoamicizia · 06/12/2024 21:49

Smart Scottish SIL 😬

cheddercherry · 06/12/2024 21:50

Tbh the only way round it is if your husband also repeats and reiterates the boundaries, without him you’re just moaning on wilfully ignorant ears.

Doesunt sound likely though? How fast can you move to Scotland…

allthatfalafel · 06/12/2024 21:53

ShelfoftheElf · 06/12/2024 21:39

I have already told him no key. She's the kind of person who would have one "for emergencies" swear blind she would never use it then be in the house unannounced the next day. I can't cope with pop ins etc and yes she would try to clean and rearrange if she could.

I think it's the walking distance that panics me the most as I know she will "happen to be passing" every day.

If anyone has any coping tips I'd be all ears.

He's going to start caring with the endless lifts and errands and favours she's probably going to be wanting.

BlastedPimples · 06/12/2024 21:56

You should mention to her that you've been offered jobs abroad.

Daft of her to assume you will always stay put in the same house. Daft or really manipulative.

Fizzygoo · 06/12/2024 21:58

I’ve read the OP a couple of times

what am I missing?, she wants to move near you? But she’s pleasant

we moved near our in-laws, When children were small and now we help them now they are in their 80s

other replies have a quick get away stance but what have i missed

SENMUMwhatnext · 06/12/2024 21:59

Does SIL and BIL have a spare room for you?

AsTim3GoesBy · 06/12/2024 22:01

Agh! What a difficult situation! I would not have wanted my MIL, lovely though she was, only 5 minutes walk away!

You're going to have to set some pretty rigid boundaries - and stick to them like glue. It's vital that your DH co-operates with you on this. Then you will all know where the boundaries are and exactly where you stand. Good luck!

Plan B = move to Scotland!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 06/12/2024 22:05

Inspectorlemon · 06/12/2024 21:19

She sounds a nightmare. She possibly has a personality disorder. I expect your husband has just got used to her and thinks it’s normal. Sorry, I have no advice about how to deal with this but sending sympathy.

What are you talking about? One post in and you're a doctor, and one who has actually assessed her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 22:06

Fizzygoo · 06/12/2024 21:58

I’ve read the OP a couple of times

what am I missing?, she wants to move near you? But she’s pleasant

we moved near our in-laws, When children were small and now we help them now they are in their 80s

other replies have a quick get away stance but what have i missed

Pleasant and totally enmeshed. Nice from far, far from nice.

bombastix · 06/12/2024 22:10

Well I hope you work. Otherwise this is going to be intense

Spagettifunctional · 06/12/2024 22:12

I wouldn’t have this … you will end up with her visiting everyday, being nosy, end up being her career in the future and dh will just sit back .. saw this happen with my mil

Notdrowningbutmightbe · 06/12/2024 22:13

I would find out everything you can about clubs and other activities for people over 60 in the area, gather them up, make calls, find what matches her interests and then present her with the best of the lot. Make it clear that your life is busy and you'll be able to see her once a month or once every two weeks, for dinner or lunch at yours or hers, but no more than that.

Original poster
ShelfoftheElf · 06/12/2024 22:14

@Spagettifunctional I agree it's a disaster unfolding before my eyes - but how do I stop it?

OP posts:
padampada · 06/12/2024 22:14

I'm so sorry...I can relate to everything you've said. A few options for you:

I imagine youve already been looking at job opportunities in Sydney.

If you live rurally pay a local farmer to spray the fields round her bungalow next time she visits. Or get the vicar to pop round for a house blessing when she moves in as it's known locally for being haunted?

Maybe post some things online about the radioactive waste in your village and high numbers of unexplained deaths? Even if it devalues your own home it will on balance be worth it.

Is she has allergies you're onto a winner. Get a few cats and dogs and maybe some geese for the front garden. And some indoor birds which fly freely. They're very welcoming. Keep your central heating off between October and March.

With the right level of commitment to the project, I'm sure her visits will be infrequent and short.

Pompeyssy · 06/12/2024 22:16

Honestly OP you're not wrong to be worried.

She's pushy and your husband doesn't care about your concerns.
Taken together you have a marriage destroying combination.

I would be very firm with YOUR boundaries.
Expect your husband to make everything a you problem.
It doesn't sound as if he is very engaged with you that he wouldn't care one way or another.

I couldn't be imposed upon by anyone even family so you need to protect yourself firmly and see how things go.

I hope you work.
If you don't, get back to work.
Keep your life full and busy and encourage him to visit her at hers.
Her deciding she will hang out at yours every day needs firmly dealt with before she moves.

Notdrowningbutmightbe · 06/12/2024 22:17

padampada · 06/12/2024 22:14

I'm so sorry...I can relate to everything you've said. A few options for you:

I imagine youve already been looking at job opportunities in Sydney.

If you live rurally pay a local farmer to spray the fields round her bungalow next time she visits. Or get the vicar to pop round for a house blessing when she moves in as it's known locally for being haunted?

Maybe post some things online about the radioactive waste in your village and high numbers of unexplained deaths? Even if it devalues your own home it will on balance be worth it.

Is she has allergies you're onto a winner. Get a few cats and dogs and maybe some geese for the front garden. And some indoor birds which fly freely. They're very welcoming. Keep your central heating off between October and March.

With the right level of commitment to the project, I'm sure her visits will be infrequent and short.

this is idiotic

TortillasAndSalsa · 06/12/2024 22:17

ShelfoftheElf · 06/12/2024 21:09

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

Move to Scotland beside your bil and sil. It's the only way 😂