Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

Not at all sensible for a older person to move to a rural area where they will be totally reliant on the relatives in later years. Buses and taxis are very few and far between in rural areas. No shops nearby either.

Great advice around managing boundaries as long as these are the same for both sets of parents, Yours OP and your DH’s.

I would add, time for your DH to spend with his mum without you too.

You can't control other peoples choices and certainly can't prevent anyone choosing where to move to, but you can make choices about how you manage this.

How does she treat her children as pseudo partners? Is it that she's close to her children? Honestly, how would you feel if your children's partner treated you like this as you got older?

She wants to spend time with her family, I don't think this is a moving to Scotland offense. You can set boundaries and no key.

I assume you wouldn't be so mean about your own parents?

Traceable tiles for the walking shoes - this could be genius!
a - you would see if MIL was actually passing or just walking directly to you every time.
b - you could see an alarm when she is within a few hundred metres to lay low or be out.

She's not dying, I am! FFS.

Exactly.

These Dils who say their MILs are “jealous” and treat DS as a partner are often projecting their own insecurities I think. That is, they are the jealous ones, of the mother son relationship. It’s normal, I’m afraid, for children to maintain a caring relationship with their parents into adulthood.

Has my daughter written in about me?😄

Enmeshed?
That’s a bit of a reach.
Mothers of sons in here will be MILS in turn.

Never forget that!😂

Also - I assume that the boundaries will be mutual and you won’t be asking for any form of help or babysitting or childcare at all?

Regular, emergency or otherwise?

It works both ways.

It's out duty to look after our own parents and loved ones.

It's not your duty to look after in laws and vice versa.

I would say, in all seriousness, that living remotely / rurally when your children are young is OK-ish, but when it comes to school and teenage years it is MUCH easier for you, and better for them, to live in a town where they have choices for their social lives and can get around independently. It's also the norm for most children to walk to school. So I think you could start thinking about moving for those reasons at least.

All of this. Your DH is key in this. He needs to tell her that her moving is her own decision but she needs to be aware that he/you/DC will not be available for daily visits. That he will only be able to pop in once a week with the children and that she cannot come round every day. She will have to make a life of her own.

My MIL was a 20 minute drive away. We moved to be closer to her as DH is an only child. As she didn’t drive, the first 5 years we visited a couple times a month, but as she got older we had to be there quite a lot, particularly in the last two years of her life. Then again, she died in her early 90s. A lot of people in their early 60s are still working! Your MIL needs something to do that doesn’t involve you. Sign her up for some Age UK groups/volunteering opportunities. If you are lucky, she may get so busy she doesn’t have a lot of time to visit you.

These are very good rules. The no keys is extremely important. My in laws got the keys to our old house and I'd come home wanting to chill out and find them sweeping(!) the stairs or rearranging the cutlery drawer or putting handwash items in the washing machine. Drove me absolutely bonkers. When we moved I was very very blunt with my husband that if he gave them keys again it would probably be the end of our marriage.

This is a husband problem. He likely has no idea about why you’d be concerned because he’s become used to you doing the ‘wifework’. He’s telling you clearly that he doesn’t care about the effect of this woman on you and your life. and the reason he doesn’t care is that her effect on him personally is more neutral than it is on you.
This will cause big marriage problems. If he doesn’t see it now, he will do once he’s having to deal with the impact of the proximity of his ‘no boundaries’ mother to you.

Your sister needs to grow a backbone.

Tell her it would be lovely to have her so nearby but she needs to be sure the area is right for her as you and DH were looking at putting the house on the market next year for more space/better schools or whatever so at least you have an out if she does move down.

Tell her you are moving soon.

OP, look and learn. This is actually precisely what you need to do. My MIL is lovely and I’d be delighted to have her around the corner. I actively cherish it, but unfortunately she’s gone to live near her daughter.

My own mother, otoh, is a horrible woman. She was abusive to me as a child, and is deeply unpleasant as an adult. And yet, she is very full of her own brilliance. You would imagine she is ‘mother of the year’. Enmeshed, like your MIL. I live many miles from her, for good reason. You question your own self worth when you are lumbered with a person like this.

Anyhow, my mum (unlike my lovely MIL) is precisely the type who might suddenly announce she’d put an offer in on a house just around the corner for me, without any prior discussion or planning.

While the above poster might not be at all like that, and might be lovely and considerate, and simply somehow forgot to discuss her major life changing plans with her son, it’s certainly clear that your MIL lacks boundaries. your post alone is giving me palpitations. Strongly suggest you do exactly what the above DIL did. This is your answer. Even if, ooops, the offer fell through, fancy that.

When you're in this situation, you know.
It really feels like mil wants dh to take his Df's place as her companion and support.
Dh figured it out himself and exclaimed one day that what she really wants is for him to leave his family and move in with her.
They're used to having this codependent relationship with their dh's for many years and just cannot cope by themselves, no matter how fit and healthy they are.

I also don’t get how this is such a problem. Your partners mum who it sounds he has a lovely relationship with (what does emeshed even mean here? They like each other?) and she would like to be closer to her son and his family. How is this an issue? And suggestion of seeing her once a month 😂 wtf? Wonder if you treat your own parents this way. Will be interesting how you reflect on this when your own kids partners make them flee to Scotland from you.

Start as you mean to continue, it's hard to change behaviour so set up rules from the beginning. I'd also make it a thing that DH often goes to her place to see her rather than her always coming to yours so at least you can get some peace.

Tell DH you want to move. Far far away.

Seriously.

If you or DH did have to relocate for any reason, she would be stuck there in a rural area with nobody. Or does she intend to trail you for the rest of her life?

I would be incredibly stressed by this.

Ps I’m not a Mil and I have a daughter. I’m just not mean.

Do you work from home 100%? If so tell her in front of your DH that she is not to call to your house during your working hours.
And like what other people have said get camera on front and back door, lock gate, car in garage/out of sight if possible.
Finally you need to be deliberately vague with her. ‘Oh did we not tell you we were away’, or ‘oh no don’t remember you saying that’ etc. Tell her nothing, have a serious chat with DH and explain what your fears are and what you need from him.
Good luck!