Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

It is absolutely not his duty

Well it is up to her to say no, women can say no, they choose not too

OP slightly different take here.

It makes it easier if they live near as they get older etc. then you can make sure they actually stay in their own home with support from carers etc rather than your DH being away for hours at a time trying to sort it out. And therefore make sure there is no talk of them moving in with you. (My parents moved near me, and my sister followed and we managed to ensure they were cared for in their own home etc)

Also, you may get some help? Babysitting etc whilst she is still young and healthy?

And actually you might try a reverse tactic or saying great, you can do some school or nursery drop offs, help out with after school care and exhaust her intro retreat.

@Carretera that must have been painful - how far away from them are you now, and why did you choose the house - was it specifically so you would be close to your DS? How do you get on with your DIL?

@NalafromtheLionKing actually I would tell her so she gets the message that she isn't welcome. Sounds harsh but people like her need to learn that they are overbearing and need to ask rather than assume.

She's still relatively young and you could have another 20 years with her. I'm thinking I'd seriously think about moving to Brazil and don't give her your address 😬

How does she know you are going somewhere? She needs an information diet. Does your DH tell her? He can deal with it then. Be very vague about plans and keep your doors locked. You can't stop her moving closer but you can make it clear that your family's life doesn't revolve around her. If she turns up when your DH is home, he can entertain her. Working from home then definitely lock the door.
I moved closer to my dd, Dsil and grandsons but they were keen for me to do so as I help with childcare. My mum has in-laws who 'popped in' every single day of their life. It drove mum crazy but dad felt an obligation because his parents had informally adopted him as a small child. Most of the arguments between them when I was younger, were about the constant visits.
Is it at all possible that she could be useful for childcare or babysitting but at her house? Then you can control the narrative. Good luck

You sound like a lovely person Carretera
I think it’s for the best to have a bit of distance. My mil used to phone me a lot but I asked dh to take over and phone her daily. I just made that point because it’s his mother. She used to ring me worried that dh would be tired and not get home safe from work which used to hurt as I also work and did most of the housework and collected the dc from the minder etc. So I felt it was up to him to listen to her needs rather than me when it’s him who is her priority.

Can you discreetly get your SIL to suggest a brotherly chat about why they felt the need to relocate?

She is in her early sixties doesn’t she work ? All the people I know who are that age who are fit are working,out all the time enjoying life.Early sixties is not old .Be firm but pleasant.It sounds as if she is not the sort to join groups and make friends but who knows.Good luck but be prepared to move.

We have a close family but no one assumes that they can impose on anyone. I've never had anyone 'pop by' without a previous arrangement. It's so rude and disrespectful.

I think you’re just decent and recognise the value of family. People like to dilute all ties these days and I don’t think society is healthier for it.

Im not a mil but am dreading my dc growing up if I end up with in-laws like some on these threads. Not sure why houses don’t have red crosses above doors like during the plague: keep away!!

Idiotic is commenting on someones post that you don't get due to a total lack of humour

Gather some information about emigrating and leave them lying around...
We had ils over once a week. They would turn up at 8.30 am. They lived 45 mins away.. Left at dc's bedtime.. I stuck to their routine and pretended they weren't in my bloody way......
If they arrived any other day I simply kept to my plans. If they were left home with dh then so be it... Have her over when dh gets home. When he cba with that shit 5 days he will put stop to it....

You're right to be worried if she's anything like mine (the pseudo partner sounds very familiar). The way mine speaks you'd think I was the other woman. She reminds DH regularly his DF wanted him to look after her. She tells us her DB visited their parents every day for over thirty years, failing to add that she moved away as soon as she could and never provided any care and rarely visited them.
DH is younger than SILs (who live away) but the in laws made it very clear they had already done their share of grandparenting when DC1 was born. They provided no support, even in the most dire emergent situations involving ICU several times.
I feel no compulsion to help and was so relieved when she wanted to move round the corner from us and couldn't. MIL is a lot bit of a Hyacinth and was shocked to discover our area, that they were always dismissive of, was far more expensive than she thought, thankfully she couldn't afford it. I'd have moved if she'd bought so close.
My parents were amazing and never asked for anything in return. For fifteen years we lived a few hundred metres away. I cannot remember one situation their house being so close being a pain.

If anyone has any coping tips I'd be all ears.

Wait until she's settled in and then move to a secret location!

I understand how you feel.
But, as others have said, it's up to you and your oh to set boundaries.
The flip side is that, at her age, she won't be too old to set up social networks for herself, if she's willing (big if, I know)
My mum lives 1 1/2 hours from me and is 94. And needs help now and again. As you get older, that drive, especially in Winter, gets more difficult. In 30 years time you might find her being near by easier than you think.
And, my God, some of these replies! No wonder Society is going the way it is. I hope the posters remember what they said here when they're old.

When she moves in invte her for Sunday lunch in 4 weeks' time, Lu ch at 12 and you are going out at 2.

She treats her sons like surrogate partners and wants to see them every day?

@Notdrowningbutmightbe duh! Sense of humour failure? It was meant to be funny!!! Not taken literally fgs

Do you honestly think it’s so off that his DF wanted him to look after mil though?

I mean if I were dying I’d hope my Dc would look out for elderly DH.

She's early 60's with no health conditions?! You're talking like she's in her 90s!

I agree. DH needs to deal with her most. Step away. Def no key. Ring doorbell is a great idea.

Wow!! Your post and those replies!

She is your DHs mother! The woman who raised him - probably on her own. Now that you are in his life, you want him to abandon her ? Why should she know other people in your area ? Her son lives there.

Please tell me you work!!

Have you considered moving?