Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

Yes I find it unbelievable. She’s alone.

1. Coat by the door
2. Park your car around the corner
3. If you answer the door to her, be on a phone call, "can't chat now!"
4. Let your husband entertain her

You work from home you say? Could you also work from say, Italy or Portugal? Cost of living there is great. Lovely weather. Fewer MILs. Let DH know you’re researching schools.

That’s because they are YOUR parents. Your husband might feel the same about his parents.

Your husband doesn't care too much as he's expecting you to be mostly dealing with her. Why should he care about something he thinks won't impact him.
If you're not firm in your boundaries and make sure it's him dealing with her it will be a nightmare for you as well as having a husband who thinks it's not a big deal.

This is similar here. Mil keeps reminding dh that he promised he would look after her at fils funeral and dh said no such thing.
We do look after her as a matter of fact. A lot. Pop over to see her pretty much on a daily basis. She always needs something or other.
She comes to us once and sometimes twice a week but this is still not enough for her.
She lives a 10 min drive away but if was a 10 min walk, she would be here first thing in the morning and wouldn't leave til we dropped her off late.
She's so needy and it's really draining.

Sounds tricky, especially if you can't get your husband on board with clear boundaries. I'd try harder on that front and sit down with him to write a list.

You can't stop her moving so your only recourse is to keep contact on your terms. Can your children go to hers at a specific day / time of week, for example. Can she give you regular support that you actually need, like doing your ironing (which you take to her place), cooking something for a meal once a week (at hers), collecting the children from school, nursery, club etc?

As someone around her age, I find the idea of not having a life of my own or being "elderly" utterly ridiculous.

My own mil lived 5 minutes up the road for around the last 12 or so years of her life. She even lived with us for two short periods when between flats, but she never ever imposed on us.

Sympathies. My worst nightmare would be my mum moving nearby. She abused me as a child and is a nightmare woman. My dad's still alive but she'll likely outlive him.

i was thinking about my DH actually, and my Dc.

She's been widowed for twenty years, her daughter in law swept one of her sons off to Scotland and the wife of her closest son, doesn't want her nearby either. That's awful. You've said she's pleasant, so clearly not an ogre.
I agree to having boundaries, that's fair enough but blimey, would you be talking the way you are if it was your mum moving closer to you?

I am always baffled by the posts on these threads from the people who are probably just as codependent and enmeshed as the OP’s mother in law. They always lack any empathy for the OP whatsoever and go on with this idealised tripe about how family “should” be.

If you don’t see any validity to the OPs post at all then you have your own issues and probably are not well placed to offer advice on threads such as these. Everyone realises family is important but people not recognising any problems with the MIL’s behaviour here that is about your own issues.

Agree.

I’m embarrassed to be classified as a DIL when I read these threads sometimes.

If you don’t see any validity to the OPs post at all then you have your own issues and probably are not well placed to offer advice on threads such as these
This is AIBU, so people are entitled to say YABU. perhaps you think this is the Relationship board?

I would have agreed with everyone saying “oh but she’s family!” before I lived with my mil.

If she hadn’t died me and DP would not still be together. I was in flight mode before she got unwell. It’s amazing how insidious some people can be while they appear very sweet and innocent in small doses.

I would get bil and sil round and really listen to them.

How on earth are you diagnosing someone with a personality disorder based on the limited information in that post? Armchair psychiatrists out in force today

That had me smirking too… 🙄

Would It be different if it were your mother OP?

Run like hell op

You can't stop it, Op.
You can just be kind but firmly stick to your boundaries.
These would be mine ..
No key.
Visits one or two hours on planned day once per week.
Helping her with her door handles, lawns etc - a set afternoon per month.
Eating at each other's houses once per fortnight.

Collect together a phone list of useful contacts for MIL.
Shop delivery.
Chemists that deliver.
Emergency nurse on call.
Laundromat.
Lawn mower.
Garden trimmer.
Handyman.
Mental Health emergencies.
Ambulance.
Clubs that she could enjoy - many and varied.
Walking maps.
Tracable tiles for her walking shoes.
Coffee shops.
Market stalls.

So this is an example of you giving too many shits and needing to put in some boundaries. Get those boundaries firm now. Practice those replies.

“we work hard and don’t get much family time. so we like to make the most of our family days out just us 4, sorry.”

other things to get agreed now with DH, as PP’s have said.

No keys
No unannounced visits
She respects your family time
DH doesn’t feel he has to see her every day as this will impact your family time
agree a day, maybe once a week that she can come over or your DH pops in.

Tell her now, firmly. That you will not be responsible for her being lonely / isolated and she won’t be spending time with you all every day.

Agree boundaries are needed, no popping round unannounced etc. However, you should look on it positively in terms of the kids. They will surely enjoy having their GM close by. Arrange regular nights in the week where they go over to her, sleepovers at weekends etc. That takes a lot of pressure off you.

Stick to your guns about vists . Tell her only what she needs to know . Do not tell her any of your plans . Make it plain to your husband that he runs round after her and does any jobs and caring duties as she ages because you are not .

I don't really have much advice to offer OP but I completely sympathise and I would be horrified if any family member (or friend for that matter) moved to within 5 minutes walk of my house and expected to see me every day! Let alone someone who has no other social contacts.

Ignore the "but she's faaaaaaaaaamly!!" comments on this thread.

You say twice that your DH "doesn't care" but you're going to have to make him care. Point out what it will be like to him if he has to include his mother in more or less everything you do? Ask him who will do the inevitable errands, doctors appointments, DIY etc. It sounds like he's burying his head in the sand here rather than sitting up and taking notice of the stress this is causing you. I think you need to shout a bit more loudly.

How on earth can you suggest that someone you have never met has a ‘personality disorder?’

I would get Bil to speak to your dh and explain the stress it placed on his relationship and why he moved.