Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

And, FWIW, I used to have a terrible relationship with my mum. Now we're both older the relationship has mellowed, but we aren't a good fit with each other.
But I know that it isn't all about me and her. Despite all this, my children love her very much, and she adores her grandchildren.
We still have problems, but I believe families, even imperfect ones, are absolutely necessary for society.
So many posters on here are me, me, me

I'm looking forward to some posters getting older and having a beady-eyed daughter/dil assessing their every action.

Can you explain what you mean by that ?

This was my initial thoughts. A bit drastic but a suffocating MIL would be awful.

I really agree with this.

Relationships aren’t perfect all the time. There can be a point at which it becomes so toxic, so unhealthy and actually just dangerous that people need a path out of it. In recent years, that escape route has become quite a focus - and not before time when you look at the genuinely abusive situations people have been trapped in in previous generations.

But like most things in public consciousness, the pendulum, when it moves, tends to swing too wide in the other direction. What we are seeing so much of now is people dispensing with relationships - and particularly family ties- at the slightest provocation. A mil who buys unwanted gifts or, who with, often, a clearer view of the relative shortness of life, wants to knit the fabric of family life a little tighter is not actually toxic or suffering from a personality disorder. These sorts of issues are cropping up constantly on these threads.

We have an overwhelming amount of unsupported individuals in society and corresponding mental health issues.

Can you explain what you mean by that ?
I'm not sure what you need explaining , except to say that there are a lot of unforgiving posters on here, who seem to have no consciousness that they might be equally irksome to other people.

Young people don’t owe older irksome people significant portions of their time and life simply for being older.

Just like the mumsnet rule that young people aren’t owed childcare from older generations simply for it being beneficial to them.

She’s your husband’s mum and she’s pleasant. I don’t really see the issue if you set clear boundaries.

Reminds me of a sex and the city episode where the mil eventually walked in on her son and his wife having sex and then learned to not just pop in unannounced. Maybe set something like that up? 🤣

You, your DH and your MIL need to sit down and have a serious talk about boundaries. If she's heathy and in her 60's you could have 25 years ahead.

I agree with you, and how lovely to hear you are happy to help your relatives.

I hear comments so often, when couples want help with their children, and readily accept free care from parents. No elderly people should expect this to be reciprocated in later life, of course, but it’s quite disappointing when adult children suddenly feel you are a nuisance. Whatever happened to family love and consideration?

Your husband has to manage this, not you and I think you have to be very clear to him. Comiserations.

Young people don’t owe older irksome people significant portions of their time and life simply for being older.
Fine, you do you. See how you feel about it when you're old and irksome. It might surprise you.
Seriously though, break it down like that and you have an atomised society. How well does a society work when everybody just looks out for themselves?
No man is an island, and all that.

Exactly this. Unfortunately it sounds like you are going to be the one who has to set the hard boundaries. She is not allowed to visit during your work hours and your husband needs to be responsible for any rides, appointments, plans, etc.

Are you old and irksome?

are we all destined to be old and irksome?

some older people aren’t irksome if they are self aware of their habits and behaviours

I have been in your shoes. DH couldn't see the problem and she was a witch to me when he wasn't looking. She treated her two sons (but mainly my DH) as if they were married to HER. Every single letter, telephone call, shopping trip, funerals of people they didn't even know was told to them and if they didn't answer their mobile phone she would ring over and over again. DH is now XDH and she was a large reason for this (and she's now deceased). Think Catherine Tate's Nana character and you wouldn't be far wrong.

I’m alone, probably older than OP’s MIL - I have friends and a social life and would never dream of moving down the road from any of my children so they could be my support system. Just because a woman is past 60 and alone doesn’t mean she can suffocate her relatives!!

*Are you old and irksome?

are we all destined to be old and irksome?*

Probably. Especially if viewed through a lens of being uncharitable. Which is prevalent on this thread.

I am in my 60s (a pariah on mn) have children, gc, and a full life independent of them.
But the emphasis on this thread of separating oneself from anyone who might be a bit needy (and,like it or not, you'll all be needy one day) is depressing.

I am in my 60s (a pariah on mn) have children, gc, and a full life independent of them.
But the emphasis on this thread of separating oneself from anyone who might be a bit needy (and,like it or not, you'll all be needy one day) is depressing.

You do exaggerate @Sausagenbacon !

Lots of us are in our 60s on Mumsnet. Many of us on this very thread.

I think most intelligent people understand that their relatives will become needier as they age (if they don't die unexpectedly, or young, of course) and they have varying ideas as to how much they would want to support or be able to support them.

But OP's MIL is still young and healthy and is putting herself in a position where her DIL and DS will be literally the only person she knows! She's not in her 80s. They could be facing 30 years of this, it's very selfish and an uncaring thing to foist on your own children/the generation below you.

I am in my 60s too, have mentioned it several times on MN posts and have never been made to feel like a pariah. Just saying.

And (for the 1000th time I think) I am not old. I need to plan for when I really am old and 'needy'. Putting that burden on my DC is not an option to me.

I can’t offer any help OP but it would be my absolute worst nightmare

The problem is here is that MIL is moving somewhere where her only contact/support/society is OPs family. It’s a lot to put on someone else.
I doubt she’s planning on building a whole new network of friends etc. which is hard enough anyway.

My MIL got to an age where she just wanted DH. Not to visit, all the time, all day. She couldn’t see that he had or may want another life of his own. Wild horses wouldn’t have made her move thankfully.

Tell her you've heard the neighbours are a nightmare....

This situation sounds like an absolute nightmare. I'd tell her that you are considering moving away from the area.

I wrote an almost identical thread a couple of years ago and was told I can't stop MIL buying where she wants.
Luckily, a few posters sympathised and gave good advice.

Like you OP, I spoke to her, bit it won't in one ear and out the other.
Eventually, we moved further than we'd initially planned.

Worked as she then moved nearer to DBIL.

Only thing is, he hasn't given her the time of day, so her conclusion is that she moved closer to the wrong son and is now in the process of moving closer to us.

We can't stop her really but she'll realise that we won't have time to see her everyday either.

Unfortunately when someone like you describe sets their mind on something, there's no changing their minds.

Like others have said, strong firm boundaries are the only way.