Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

Just wanted to give another angle to this, my DS & DIL told me they were intending to move house when I told them I made an offer on a house 10 mins walk from them, and the offer was accepted. My DIL's face became pale, and she told me they were moving out of the area. I left it 2 days to think about it, and decided I did not wish to relocate somewhere without friends and family nearby, and withdrew my offer. That was 3 years ago, and DS & DIL are still in the same area, with no sign of moving. It still hurts when I realise they didn't want me around, especially as the house I chose was snapped up by a developer and sold a year later for 40k more than my accepted offer from previous owner. Maybe you could tell your MIL you are intending to relocate?

Your husband is key here.

She isn't going to listen to you because she knows her son will go along with what she wants.

That's what you need to change. It won't be easy. Good luck.

Sounds awful! I think the steps you have done so far OP, are good!

My MIL said how nice it would be to move in with us. I told DH I’m not keen on this at all. He thankfully wasn’t himself but I told him make it crystal clear to his mum, there is no space. I would rather get a second job and put her up in her own place than have her around daily.

Privately, I know if there was MIL nearby or in our house, I would be prepared to divorce DH. We are already in the depths of raising a toddler among all other stresses, add any other stresses to the mix especially a needy, emotional MIL, I would lose my mind.

I think I'd make sure it wasn't me doing the extra stuff. Dh can do the helping her put her curtains up etc. I'd be pleasant but busy. Then in the longer term I'd encourage him to make an arrangement to have her round for dinner on a Tuesday evening or whatever.

Boundaries like the others have said. Stick to them. Ring doorbell, you don't always have to be "in" when she calls over. Do include her - on YOUR terms. And also because the she will find it harder to complain.
Don't make excuses and say vague things like "we're busy". Call out overstepping every single time "thanks MIL, but we've seen you a lot this week: we're having a nice family Saturday together so we aren't inviting any guest to join us". You will need to be really clear about that before the move so she can't pull "well I thought I'd see you more....."

Also (I've just re read your OP and it sounds like you've been VERY clear already but it's not sinking in) does she text a lot? Is there a natural way to get this in writing? Eg if she texts saying something about the house or exchange date you could say "that's great! I actually found this church group/ walking group/ coffee club you might like to join to meet new friends. We've got our hands really full with the DC and we're in a nice routine with their childcare and work, so this will be a nice way for you to get involved with the local community. It'll be nice that when we do see you you'll be that little bit closer." When she replies saying she doesn't need it and she will obviously take on all the childcare etc you can say "no, that won't work for us. You're an important part of our lives but we're happy with our current arrangement and we wouldn't envision that changing much"
I'm anxious on your behalf OP

Would you have the same opinion if it was your own mum who had been widowed for 20 years?

Personally I think you are being quite melodramatic. Have firm boundaries ie no house key but other than that let her to it.

My mil lives less than a mile away from me. I don't stop my husband from seeing his mum whenever he wants. It's his mum. Really isn't that big a deal.

Well youve got to make it a DH problem. So he needs to set boundaries and you need to be busy if she does come over and leave her to DH. Don't feel the need to be polite and host!

Tell her you're not sure how long you're going to be living where you do, because long term you'd prefer to be [insert distant location: Cornwall, the lakes, Australia]. So she may be better off staying put or moving somewhere with a long term support network.

Inform dh now and clearly that you will
be doing NOTHING for mil once she moves - it’s all on him. Tell him clearly anything she needs is on him to arrange and sort out, and if she starts coming in everyday he will be living there on his own!
there is always an expectation that DiL will take on a carers role and the men will be seemingly unaffected, so make this crystal for him and stick to it!

I agree with this. You need to have a very serious conversation with your DH and paint a clear picture of exactly what is likely to happen, both being honest about your expectations and where each of your boundaries lie if she moves. Then you need to find some middle ground and work out how to navigate this together. Eg if she wants to see the children more, then maybe she can have them stay for tea one night a week or an overnight? Benefit is you and DH get a child free night. If you agree to have her over one night a week could it be a night when you go to the gym or do a hobby etc? I think you need to work all that out in advance so expectations are very clear.

As you work from home I agree with saying that Mon-Fri she’s not to come round, you’re busy working and jut because it’s not in an office it’s no less work.
Both my grandmothers hosted their children and GC once a week for tea when I was a kid (we only went to one because my parents lived far from both GP until my one gran was widowed and moved to them). That seemed to work well. And then you can see how to play weekends, maybe DH could spend a couple dog hours with her then.
Maybe if she is encouraged to love her new home she’ll be happy to host and then you have a bit more control over how long visits last for.

Put your house on the market and move somewhere else?

New Zeaand is further away than Australia.

Make it clear to your husband that you’re not managing his mother for him

She only visits when he’s home to host her. He does all the errands for her. You have two kids and WFH. You cannot and will not manage his mother too.

I wouldn’t answer calls, texts or the door for her during your work hours. Set that boundary and don’t deviate from it.

Are you the only people she knows in the area? She will be heavily dependent on you.

I would never put this on my grown up dcs. Ever.

Well clearly you haven't read properly how suffocating and overbearing she can be. She has no concept of boundaries, her other son moved far away because of this yet you can't see it.

Op I would start right now with boundaries, start being less available, just start being cool and distant. I would do this because it will come down to her or your marriage. It's not a problem for your dh because that's his mother but it's a huge one for you.

Gosh! The women I know in their early sixties with no health conditions are in the prime of life and enjoying a rich variety of activities outside their families. She might live another thirty years!I
In your shoes I would be pro-active about boundaries as other posters have mentioned. I would also prepare an "Introduction to living in X" with all sorts of useful information about local activities, public transport with times, health services, shops with delivery options etc.
In addition to the activities already mentioned I would add in community choirs, U3A, Walking for Health groups, the WI, silver screen film showings, exercise classes for seniors and local volunteering.
A woman her age would usually be very competent with I.T. If not, that is a good place to start
Having an enjoyable range of activities in the day can be quite tiring and make one's own sofa and tv very attractive in the evening.
Your MIL was a young woman when she was widowed and your husband was a child or young adult. It is time to break the grip of that trauma and try to engineer a new phase. Good luck!

OMG you poor thing this is such a bad idea. My parents moved close to us when my children were 6 and 9 it actually ruined my life. I feel such a selfish person saying this as my dad was disabled and unwell when they moved, plus my mum was a carer for her own parents too and now in hindsight I can see that she wasn't coping.
But it was truly awful. Mum popped over up to 7 or 8 times a day I couldn't relax at all. She could see my house from hers too so there was no hiding. In the end after a couple of years I had to tell them. Mum was upset and didn't speak to me for weeks. They moved into a specially adapted flat which was much better for them and we were okay. Even though they've both passed now I know she couldn't understand my point of view. I think you may have to move. Good luck.

@ShelfoftheElf move to Scotland near your BIL/SIL!!

This would absolutely fill me with dread!

She sounds so insufferable and I would be so angry if she thinks that she can now muscle in even further. Stop living your life on eggshells because of her. Go to the places you want to do, let her do her sad face, ignore the sad face and keep repeating.

Prepare to have her in your house constantly. She will be there all the time. Guaranteed.
Tell her that it might not be a good idea as you're planning on moving soon.

The other way round, but my BIL moved my sister close to his parents, saying they were 'downsizing'. My sister agreed to this, looking forward to less cleaning and more holidays in her retirement.

She has become her PIL's personal slave... all hospital appointments, dinner several tines a week, any little crisis they can manufacture, guess who's called on... it sure as hell ain't BIL... 😡

Or even don’t tell her you went (you could say you were working overtime or doing errands).

@Femme2804

Could you not have a problem with your lock, call out a locksmith and get it changed? Then just make sure your MIL doesn’t get the new key? No way would I have let my MIL have her own key!

@ShelfoftheElf
“we now have a long list of places it feels like we can't go without taking her along as she has made such a fuss about wanting to go to that particular place.”

I assume your DC have car seats - which surely means that with you and your DH, there isn’t room in the car for your MIL. If you start letting your boundaries be set by her in terms of where you can and can’t go, it’ll end up in disaster. I think you are going to have to set really clear boundaries, and even then it won’t be easy. I once lived next door to an old lady who invited me round with my baby until it got to the point that I was expected every Tuesday afternoon - it was a real tie and frankly, an imposition. I can quite see how your MIL will play the family card and think she’s being perfectly reasonable because she “only” comes round in Tuesdays and Saturdays which means you can’t do anything else on those days. I feel for you - I think older people (and I’m in my sixties) can be quite thick skinned when it comes to what they want, without considering anyone else’s point of view. I note that Carretera is hurt that her son and DIL didn’t want her moving to be close to them - people want (and are entitled to) their own lives. I remember a friend being aghast when her mother looked at the house next door to her when it was for sale, and when I told my own much loved mother, she said, “Well, surely you wouldn’t object if I were to move in next door to you?” At that point, I lived in a terraced house and couldn’t have thought of anything worse (although I would have been pleased if she had moved elsewhere in the town).The only advice I can give you OP, is, as others have said, to put boundaries in place from the beginning, and make sure your DH is on board - and if he thinks it’s OK for her to come round as often as she likes, don’t answer the door if he isn’t home, and just make sure he’s the one who has to deal with her and run round after her.