Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

You can’t stop MIL from moving nearby, but you can make it manageable. You will need to set firm boundaries with your husband. MIL is his to deal with. He can visit her home as much as he wants, as long as it doesn’t interfere into your daily family life. Figure out how often you are comfortable with her visiting your home. Your husband must be available to host her, entertain her and keep her from rearranging anything. You may or may not be present, depending on how you feel. Figure out how often you are willing to include her on outings. Again, your husband must be there to entertain her.

If your husband tries to blow this off or “play it by ear” tell him that this is what you need to make this work. Refuse to be guilted into being MIL’s companion. Let your husband know that you won’t answer the door, invite her along or go to hers for visits beyond what you are comfortable with. You also won’t entertain guilt trips from her or him.

Good lucck. Keep us posted.

All this setting of boundaries, making h do all the work is nonsense.

The mil will move locally, come into the op's house however she likes, play the victim, set the op and her h into rows about it. Mil will cry a bit to make sure her victimhood is established and the op will feel bad for having her own preferences about her own life.

It's so easy to do.

I totally agree. My mum is in her 70’s and I ring her probably every other day. Yes. sometimes I re-hear a story but guess what: it’s tolerable - especially in exchange for having someone who cares to hear about the little details with Dc and to chat them through. Inter generational support cuts both ways and is invaluable if you can overlook the little things.

I find it utterly bizarre that according to MN we all seem to be destined to become crying, manipulative narcs just by becoming a MIL!!! They just aren’t all as bad as MN makes out. PS: yes I will want want to be part of my Dc and gc’s lives. I’d feel I was weirder if I didn’t. Why don’t families work anymore??!!

My son and my daughter both live 5 minutes from me with their families but I wouldn’t dream of just popping round to see them whenever I feel like it. I see them both separately once a week which is fine for all of us and I have my grandchildren to stay once a week.
So as long as you have rules in place with your MIL you should be fine.

Exactly. Well said @LindorDoubleChoc

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/Highland.html

some properties you might want to consider 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I am joking of course

one day we might all want to live 5 mins away from our DC and with boundaries and mutual respect we can find a way to make families work

She's lonely. If she's early 60's and widowed for over 20 years then that means she lost her husband in her early 40's. That's awful young to be widowed, and she's brought up her sons alone for the past 20 years too. Poor woman I feel sorry for her.

She is going to have DH round there every minute she can, inventing things for him to do,taking her places she "needs" to go, not you or the kids OP. She will have her son back,you wait and see. I can read this like a book. It is a terrible idea.This will cause so much resentment between you and DH and your marriage, lets be straight ,is on the line here, not right now but it will be. I seriously feel for you here and I am sorry. She will be intent on having things her way and its you and the kids that will suffer as DH will be there instead of with you and missing out on family time.Then it will be well if she was here doing more with all of us , but you dont want that do you...you get the drift? If this isnt sorted before it starts it will of course,be thrown back at you ,not her. I have a feeling this will not end well sorry.

Yes - in her 70's and you talk every other day sounds really lovely. But the OP's MiL is early 60s (same as me), and in excellent health (unlike me!). And she's specifically told the OP she wants to see them every single day, plus she's said she doesn't like the area so I can't see her looking for other things to do - not that she thinks she will need to, because she can get all the company she wants by spending time at OP's house!

I'm starting to get very bored with people talking about "old" and "lonely" MiLs in respect to this thread. OP's MiL is not old, she's not infirm, she's presumably has been OK regarding her social life for at least a few years since both her sons have grown up and got married. If she really felt she didn't have long to live (ha!) then the last thing she should want to do is move to a comparatively rural area where services are harder to get and weather conditions mean roads are more likely to be closed.

I will repeat, and as many others have said on this thread as well, we aren't talking here about the OP completely abandoning her MiL and going NC as some seem to be implying, just not having to have her MiL's wants and needs to come first all the time.

How is she "bringing up" her adult sons?

My partner is full of ideas about converting our garage in to an air b&b.
I'm fully against it, because I just KNOW that in a few years time it will no longer be a nice little earner, but the perfect place for his mother to be.

Oh dear, sounds like my x mil - mummies boys will always side with mummy in my experience. Personally I would change tack - start saying actually it could be nice. We could invite her over for lunch on Sundays once a month etc Dont let her cause a wedge between you and your hubby - always be pro her and support him. Trust me she sounds Narc and playing her at her own game so she doesnt cause a rift between you two will prob be enough to stop her manipulative
plan.

Why idiotic?
It's probably a bit of sarcasm.
I'm 45 and twenty years ago moved thousand
miles away from my parents.
My elderly (narcissistic, abusive) mother would still push boundaries.
No thank you.
My life, my choice.
I didn't ask to be born into certain circumstances, did I?
👍

Oh god, I would move house. Seriously. Preferably as far away as possible. There’s lovely rural places everywhere.
she will be in your house every week, she’ll take over your life. She’s moving close so that she can move into your house in 10 years when she’s elderly and you’ll be doing everything for her.

As others have said, absolutely no key to your house.
I would offload everything she wants onto your husband - he might just get fed up quite quickly......
Be busy and going out/ involved in something when she pops round.

This sounds horrendous. You have to find a way to get through to your husband. I’m stunned that she talks like she does when she’s only in her 60s. I’m 65 and plan to live for another 30-years. I know the choice isn’t entirely mine, but I try to live a healthy life. I feel no different inside now than I did in my 40s. I am a bit slower, with some arthritis, but I refuse to let that get in the way. Your MIL is wasting her life.

I can only see a solution coming from hunny. Most blokes have to make a choice about who they listen to most, mother or wife. They tend to choose the one who give them the least grief. If you DH really doesn't care whether she comes or not then he should accept that she shouldn't because it will make you very unhappy. He has to decide whether to do that or disappoint her. His choice, his bed to lie in! This is a question for the2 of you: he doesn't care but you have strong eservations. Remind him that when she is 85 and not 65 she will need both of you at her beck and call.

If your husband isn’t man enough to tell her directly it’s a bad idea at least get him in on a ploy/deception about your “next house move” infront of her. Talk about the ideal next house, where it might be, how her move has got you thinking about is the one you’re in the right place for the future, looking at an area with specific schools etc. basically make her think her move doesn’t guarantee she will be living near you for eternity so she needs to choose somewhere she will be happy. Also can you do anything re “ooh buses are being cancelled in this area” so she would be wiser moving a village or few away to ensure she can use her bus pass?

You stop it by living your life how you choose not how they want.
Get tough.
You also need to find out if DH will stop dismissing your needs.
Make a massive fuss.

You are setting up a lifetime of resentment unless DH is made to realise you mean no when you say no to others choosing your way of life.

Yes, he should know better but he clearly doesn't so it's time to make one almighty fuss and state the consequences of her plan.

No she is not running the show and your DH no longer gets to ignore your life choices.

You cannot stop her moving.
You can however find out where your DH loyalties fall and can maybe stop her being put before your wishes.

Tell him and her that you will be moving away as your lifestyle does not include relatives nearby. This applies to all relatives, you are not singling her out. Your moving is a consequence of her ignoring your chosen lifestyle.

Start the ball rolling by getting your house valued. Start researching houses for sale.
Start getting boxes for packing . Yes it's bullshit and you aren't actually moving but see if DH still sticks to mummy's wishes.

You'll then know how much value he puts on your happiness.
You'll also be ready to move if he forces you to.

I would be so tempted to tell her you are putting your house on the market in the new year and just hasn't told anyone yet

I feel for you. The same happened to us, except DH was an only child so no evading the responsibility at all. The worst thing was that as our careers progressed we earned more money and then he really needed to move to a more expensive area for his career progression. We could have afforded it but MIL couldn't and we didn’t feel we could just leave her stranded completely on her own. She would have loved to buy jointly with us but no way!

Eventually we moved after she died - but I really recommend telling your MIL that you might want to move at some point and you’re sure she wouldn't want to be a drag on her son's career.

Don't give her a key and don’t be too polite and welcoming if she keeps "popping in". Don't let her get involved in your everyday lives. Sorry.

I think you say to your dh you’re not listening to me, because you think oh well if she does come around several days a week while you’re trying to work and expects to come over seeveal other times is that so bad? Listen to me now. Yes it is so bad. I will not tolerate it. Firstly, you will be fully responsible for the children during the day so I don’t have to be there. I don’t care about your job, this is self inflicted by you. Secondly, I’ll be selling the house or leaving. I have a valuer coming tomorrow. You need to understand you are sitting there going La la la while a nuclear bomb explodes on our marriage. If you let that happen then I will blame you.