Needy MIL moving to be near us

[ShelfoftheElf]

MIL is a pleasant enough woman, however she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH. She is (touch wood) a healthy woman in her early sixties but will tell us a lot that she doesn't have long left to live. When challenged she acts oblivious and describes herself as elderly- despite the fact she's active with no diagnosed health issues.
She is widowed but has been for over 20 years.

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners. BIL moved to Scotland where SIL is from - the rest of us are in the south east. SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL. DH and I live 30 miles from
MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us. DH doesn't really care and told her to do what she wants. She already has had an offer accepted on a bungalow less than five minutes walk from us. I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us, she wants to see us every day (her words), she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural so I'm not sure what she's thinking.

DH thinks I'm panicking over nothing. I had a chat with her to address some concerns and told her that I'm concerned she won't like the area, we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby, and that DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together and urged her to think things through. She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible. I try to be direct with her in the points I make as she is very thick skinned and either doesn't take a hint or doesn't realise if you're subtle. Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened.

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest. As I said DH doesn't really care either way and probably thinks I'm being dramatic and a bit mean. I can't tell someone where to live but I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us and I want to asset some boundaries without having a falling out.

Don’t give her a key
Don’t answer the door if she knocks on the door unannounced.
Make your boundaries clear to your husband

Set some boundaries, make it clear that she can't half live with you. But also this could be good. Being able to pop in and check on her for 20 mins if you are worried, or drop her off some shopping or a meal if she isn't feeling good and then go home knowing you aren't far away if she does fall or get more poorly, sounds lots better than DH having to hike over to see her and not know whether to stay in case she gets worse...

I think you need to tell DH to grow a pair and state in very small words right now that if she is moving there then she there are going to be rules -

1. No pop ins
2. No pop ins
3. No pop ins
4. No complaining on the phone about choices made
5. You are not her taxi/entertainment service/friend

Person wants to live near their family as they’re getting older. This is not shocking news that makes someone a nightmare.

It might be a bit difficult for you, but you seem to think that pointing out the negatives from your perspective should lead to other people changing their plans or opinions, but your Mil is doing nothing wrong. That she has been widowed 20 years doesn’t mean she should automatically now be happy living alone with no family nearby. I don’t suppose any of us want to be in that position when we get old.

this is my worst nightmare tbh. I hate people popping in.

i would be looking to move or get a new job in another part of the country. Don’t move near BIL SIL as pp said as she will definitely follow you then if there’s two families there!!

"She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners."

"SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL"

"I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest."

HTH.

You can't stop her moving but you can set clear boundaries around how much time you're willing to spend with her. Maybe have a chat with her about how full your schedule is with work and kids and set up a regular time to see her for example Thursday night for dinner with the family and pop in to see her for a cuppa Sunday afternoon. Then you can remind her that you're busy if she pushes to see you other times. At the end of the day, she is DHs mum, he will have to spend more time with her than you! Get lots of info for her on activities she could join in the local area to make friends - we have a local ladies club, walking groups, knit & natter, computer club for oldies at the library and lots of volunteering groups.

What’s your life like. Have you got children/work from home?
Are you able to not answer if she comes round? I would leave her with DH every time she comes round, if she monopolises his time his opinions will change.

If I were you, I'd get ahead of this, or you'll be back in six months asking what you can do about the situation

I live a 10 minute walk from my MIL (and have done for years) Barely see her! 😆

And she has a key!

We have two children (5 and 2) and I work from home. She says she wants to see the children more. She has form for being a bit pushy eg if we go on a perfectly normal day out she will say she's so sad she wasn't there and next time she is definitely coming - well without being invited so we now have a long list of places it feels like we can't go without taking her along as she has made such a fuss about wanting to go to that particular place.

@ShelfoftheElf when i had my first baby, my mil used to come every day at 3.30pm when she finished work, then leave at 4pm go to collect her husband at 4.15 then come back to ours! every single bloody day!!!! I started keeping the door locked, putting music or tv off and just pretending we were out!! then i started actually going out to town till one day I turned the corner to my house just as they were leaving and fil tried to take infant from the sling. i turned away immediately and they could see i was angry. a few days later my mil said to dh that i wasnt too happy and he told her well you do come every day!!! they stopped coming then! god help you, lock all doors and close blinds so she cannot see in windows. keep side gates locked also.car in garage if you have one. you dont tell her anything about your plans, they are absolutely nothing to do with her. your hubby need to a back bone!

All I can say is you have my sympathy. I’m also in the SE and My DPs mum got a flat 3 miles from us three years ago (very long story but used our address with council to get the flat without our knowledge as we counted as the local link for her to be housed) .

I’m still so angry about it still as she generally has nothing to do with us and doesn’t like me so she has no reason to live where we do. My DP is from a different county in the SE 70miles away where his family originally lived and in between his mum moved a couple of hours drive away.

But now we are close by for medical emergencies, she’s also in her early 60s fit and healthy but plays on my DPs heartstrings when she can by implying she’s not got long to live etc etc.

I think we have the same MIL!

she is in my opinion emotionally manipulative and overly reliant on DH

She has two sons who she treats as pseudo partners.

SIL told me she needed to get BIL away from MIL as their relationship was being damaged by MIL

MIL but out of the blue she has announced she is moving to within walking distance from us (no discussion. no 'what do you think?)

I have told him it will be suffocating and pointed things out like she won't know anyone apart from us

she wants to see us every day (her words)

she actively dislikes our area as she says it's too rural

we don't have shops hospitals etc nearby,

DH has misled her about the amount of time we can spend together

She agrees with me face to face then tells DH she is trying to move as quickly as possible

Even so she will just nod along and smile and then act like the conversation never happened

I'm worried about her being so close and never being away from us to be honest

I feel like she's moving here with completely unrealistic expectations from us

Then from OP's 2nd post

She would come in the house and clean, and would rearrange things if she were allowed a key.

There's 14 things you seem to have missed.

I agree it's a disaster unfolding before my eyes - but how do I stop it?

You can't stop an adult from choosing where to live. You can stop her encroaching on your lives by being clear about expectations and you can absolutely expect your dh to back you up.

100% need a ring doorbell if you are WFH. Tell her you are out with work/don’t answer every time she comes round. Waste her time.

And if she comes round when DH is there, leave, get busy. Leave him to it.

my mil stopped when we moved out to the country but tried to start up again when we moved back to the village! I started answering the door and not inviting her in!!! just so pissed off with it. all because we were the only family in the area. all the others had left to southern england and various parts of the world!

Does your DH know why his brother moved to Scotland? You may need to explain it to him!

As well as setting your own, I'd suggest discussing boundaries with your DH too. How often is he expecting to/prepared to host his mum? What is he going to do if she comes round three days in a row? Or phones up wanting him to fix a lightbulb during dinner? How many days a week will he leave his kids in the evening to pop and see her because she asked? Get him to think it through now, find some boundaries of his own and write down his answers, so that when she's pushing for more, you can remind him if what he agreed was reasonable.

And keep a calendar/diary of her visits too, so that he can see how often she is visiting, just in case he loses count . . .

Is your DH aware his brother moved to Scotland to get away from her for the sake of his marriage? If not, I’d be telling him that and saying you are now worried about the future of yours.

You need boundaries such as she must call before visiting and if she doesn’t then don’t answer the door.

As well as setting your own, I'd suggest discussing boundaries with your DH too. How often is he expecting to/prepared to host his mum? What is he going to do if she comes round three days in a row? Or phones up wanting him to fix a lightbulb during dinner? How many days a week will he leave his kids in the evening to pop and see her because she asked? Get him to think it through now, find some boundaries of his own and write down his answers, so that when she's pushing for more, you can remind him if what he agreed was reasonable.

Good idea

Nothing wrong with her living near her son as it's his duty to help his Mum out.

However he needs to instil firm boundaries about your personal space and your own home.

Your situation exactly like mine. Widowed MIL, very healthy woman but insists she will died soon because if old age despite she is still in her 60’s.

My MiL move to exactly next to my house. OH MY GOD! What a nightmare!. No privacy whatsoever, pop up everyday, everytime my car go out i can see her face from her window like she is spying on me. my biggest mistake is giving her the key when she asked for emergency and for baby sitting when me and DH go out late. Since she got the key, she come unannounced, everyday. Please if you can dont let you MIL move closer to you, or at least never give her the key.

Ring camera and a bolt on the door so she can't just walk in if when your DH gives her a key.