To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

Time for a wee chat with him. But yes very unreasonable of him. Is he usually like this? What did his partner say?

What was your response to him saying that?

She's having another baby in her 50s? Is she a medical miracle?

I just laughed and went “I don’t think so!” And the convo awkwardly moved on.

You are totally not being unreasonable to feel that way, can you follow up with your Dad and make your feelings clear? Although, is there another option? Realistically if something were to happen to them, is there another relative who would be in a position to take them in?

IVF

This is ridiculous..he needs a proper legal agreement over who will care for his kids if he dies young and you can of course say no so he can find someone else. Is his wife in her 50s? My husband is 53 and I'm 42 we are having a baby, but I have no intention of dying young and leaving my kids to his grown up son to look after!

No you're not being remotely unreasonable to be annoyed.

But how are they having another baby if his wife is in her 50s?

There are other older relatives, but I just don’t understand why they haven’t put thought into this. They know they are older parents, this should have been a big discussions for them.

Yeah that would be a big fat nope from me.

At some point you need to be crystal clear that you wouldn't be taking on any of his children. Its a conversation that's unlikely to be received well.

YANBU at all.
Hopefully you'll never end up in that position, but just to assume with no prior discussion is madness. I'd be furious. I had my children in my early 20s and now have a 17 and 19 year old. I have absolutely no desire to be a mum again (or time or space) and I'd be furious he'd just assumed. It's a BIG assumption.

Does she have grown up kids?

When you have kids it seems sensible to make plans for what would happen if something awful happened to you, the parents: appoint a guardian. This doesn't mean that person would have to take them in, but would be responsible for making decisions on their behalf.
In your situation, the DW would have to become incapable of looking after them, as well as your dad. It's very unlikely to happen. He should've talked to you before mentioning it, but sounds as if he was put on the spot.

What if you died first and nobody wanted your children? How would you feel about that? These children are your siblings.

I'd be the bluntest/ cruelest you could be to ensure there is no grey area.

Dad and Step mum. Your children will go into care before they come to me. My child rearing days are over. For good.
I am not even a consideration in any capacity.

Wow, that’s harsh.

If they are in their 50s, chances are that at least one of them will survive long enough for the baby to reach adulthood, so it's all hypothetical now and I wouldn't worry too much about it. Even if it does happen, you can always refuse to take them in and your dad won't be able to argue back as he'll be dead. Not your kids, not your problem.

Why? They aren't OPs responsibility. She hasn't made these children.
She has finished having children

The parents of these children need to make the correct provision for them.

I’m childfree by choice but if I had siblings who were orphaned I would absolutely take them in and raise them. How could any normal person let their siblings go into care?

Indeed if my mother suddenly plopped another kid out I would certainly not be taking it in.

I stopped at three for a reason and had them at an certain age for a reason. Not to end up raising a sibling because my elderly mother suddenly wanted another go at parenthood.

And yes I would take in my child’s child. That would be an unexpected death but an old person dying is pretty expected.

I think if you’re child free then you don’t really understand the weight of this decision.

I doubt OP has a fulfilling sibling relationship with these much younger children.
So she would never benefit from them.

She has 1 life. Its now hers to live.
The parents were selfish in creating these children. This is very much their problem.

Not every problem in the world is ours to fix. Sometimes you've just got to let it go.

I don't think it's harsh either. It is the harsh reality they have chosen for their DC. They have a higher than average chance of not getting their DC to adulthood due to their age. They should have thought about the 'what ifs' in more detail before having them.

I hope the kids were’t around to hear, I still remember being the subject of a very similar conversation 30+ years later 😅

He definitely should have had a conversation with you about it before. At least he knows it’s not an option now so he can start thinking about it seriously.