To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

I'm childfree by choice and wouldn't take on anyone else's children. No thank you.

Everyone saying that ‘it is very unlikely that the baby will require a surrogate parent’ should consider that a baby with a father of this age, and a mother who is unable to conceive naturally because of her age ( who is supplying the egg?) has a higher than average chance of having serious health problems which may continue into adulthood.

So that might be a lifetime commitment.

I assume they are very rich? I'd take the children in in case of a sudden death, provided they promise a nice inheritance...

Are you missing the point on purpose? OP is fuming that two people in their 50s are popping out kids and their back up plan if they die young is that OP will raise them, without asking her first. The question of whether OP would actually raise them or not if that happened isn't really the point.

How about you focus on the actual issue in the OP?

@PortaSix

You and your husband / partner, and your dad and his wife need to sit down and talk.

You need to ask them if they have life insurance and if yes, how much they are covered for.

You need to ask them if they have made wills.

You need to tell them straight up that you are not going to take in your half siblings in the case of both of them dying when the kids are minors, if this is not what you want to do. If you think it might be a possibility, then the life insurance and wills are going to be extremely important matters, and you will all need to consult a solicitor and a financial advisor.

Somebody needs to be the grownup here. Sadly, it doesn't look as if your dad and his wife are playing that role.

Seriously - wtf are this pair of idiots thinking...

You’re entitled to be furious, I would be. Parents should always ask before assigning other people to be their child’s guardian, it’s basic manners.

We asked two of DH’s siblings if they’d be willing to look after our children if anything happened to us. They agreed and they’re named in our wills. It’s a huge responsibility and parents should never make assumptions, because it could be very damaging for their child.

And as @mathanxiety recommends, we have enough life insurance to ensure that their expenses would be covered. Luckily ours are older now so it wouldn’t be such a responsibility (only DS needs a legal guardian at this point) but still, they’re provided for.

Wow. This is such a reversal of the common dynamic of people taking advantage of the grandparents! Your father sounds like an immature prick, honestly.

There is no possibility.
OP has said no.
The will, insurance etc are of no concern to her.
If they both die the children go to someone else or care.

@PortaSix

In essence, your dad is saying that YOU are having 1-3 more children whether you like it or not. I know, it's not 100%, or even likely, that you will ever be called on to fulfill the role of guardian, but that's his attitude. He can reproduce at will because YOU are there to fulfill HIS commitment to HIS young children.

I know you made an off hand remark during dinner, but it's highly unlikely he took you seriously. And this is a situation in which there can be no misunderstandings and no assumptions.

It's going to be unpleasant and it may actually get real ugly, but you really have to have a very serious discussion about what you will and won't do with regards to your (I assume half-) siblings and that he and his wife will need to look elsewhere for someone to take on raising these children. It sounds as if you are an only child since you don't mention having other siblings they could look to, but does his wife have older children or is the 'drive' for her to have another child at 50 because she didn't have children before she married your dad?

I'm going to sound horrible I'm sure but I really don't think you should be able to have IVF in your 50s

How gross to have IVF at their age when they already have children. There are much younger people who cannot access it.

Your father was unreasonable to say what he did but he probably just said it off the top of his head. I can understand your shock but, seriously, if anything did happen to both your dad and his wife while those children are still young, you are their sibling and will probably love them. I'm sure you wouldn't want them to go into a home or to strangers. Let's hope they both live at least another twenty years, irresponsible and selfish pair that they are.

I agree with you.

Such an unbelievably selfish move by the parents. Those poor kids.

I'll be 53 when my DS is 18, I thought getting pregnant at 35 was bad enough, couldn't imagine doing it in my 50s!

They need the life insurance regardless, and they need to have their wills made. This is sensible for any parents, not just older ones, but it's especially important for older parents.

On the off chance that the OP changes her mind - the children are her half siblings after all - the idea that she would just take them in and everyone would live on bread and gruel from that day forth is unthinkable.

Her father and his wife need to start acting like adults. She should read them the riot act if it turns out they do not have wills made and do not have life insurance. This is vital given their ages and the ages of their children.

They both have fifteen or so years of employment left. They are entering the prime years for heart attacks, and the specter of a cancer diagnosis hangs over everyone the older we get. Their health isn't guaranteed. Their employment isn't guaranteed.

If they have a mortgage they should actually have mortgage insurance too, at their ages.

It may well be but her dad is bang out of order to just assume that without prior discussion

I’m 31 and my kids are 10 and 8

I don't think you sound horrible at all 😕

They can name you legal guardian in the will but doesn’t mean you are obligated to take them in and raise them just means you can choose who should take care of them. Wouldn’t get het up about it at this point.

parents can die at any age, so can children. No guarantee.
Why get all worked up, the situation hasn't arisen and all the op needs to do is talk to him.

If it comes up again treat it as a joke because it’s so blatantly ridiculous. If he presses the point say no, not happening and you don’t want to be asked again. He’s an idiot.