To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

why would a 50+ year old woman have IVF to have a third child!!! she clearly needs her head looked at!! I look after full time a 14 year old and a 16 year old at 70 so I know just how knackered she is going to be!! going to be well into their 70's before kids leave uni etc!! that is if they are still alive at that point! it is no fun I can tell you!!

They're selfish imo. There's a reason why 50year old + women can't conceive naturally.

The nerve of the man is staggering. And how many children does he have now?

It's so unlikely to happen, I wouldn't be so furious about it. Even if it does happen, there is zero legal responsibility on you. Whether or not you take them in, will be entirely your choice at the time.

Given they are having a baby in their 50s, they probably have other issues and I assume this is just tipping point for you. Let it go. This is not the hill to die on as it's so unlikely to ever materialise.

Just remembered to ALWAYS say NO to every single babysitting request that will come your way. I think it's more likely they will ask for more and more help as they get more tired, but you need to say no from the beginning.

Writing as someone who had an older dad and older half-siblings, this is quite upsetting. These children are your half-siblings, not just some kids! Your Dad isn’t exactly old at 50 though - my DF passed away well into his 80s, so in reality you’re unlikely to have to consider yourself as a carer for them - but the fact you would consider seeing your siblings go into care says a lot about you OP. It’s not good.

That's the sort of conversation a couple having kids in their 50s should be having before getting pregnant if they are expecting OP to look after her half siblings after their death.

As my DM - who had my DB and me at 21 and 24 - once remarked about women like this - "She needs her bumps feeling". Having had my third naturally at two weeks short of 39, I have to agree. Madness.

@Namerchangee that is not what she is saying and that is not what this is about. It's about her father making very irresponsible life choices and assuming OP will be his back up plan. If I were OP, I'd be miffed too. There will be other relatives out there too, why should OP step up? It will be a decision made at the time, depending on everyone's circumstances.

I'd be really annoyed too that he hadn't had that conversation with me .. let's hope this never happens. But I think I'd look after them if they had no parents

A baby in their 50's who the hell things this was ever a good idea medically?
So selfish to the future child on so many levels, hit 20's and possibly a carer for their aged parents when they should be living their young lives as they should.

you need to take him aside and gently or not so gently tell him this won't be the case and state what you have said here
take it as good opportunity he disclosed this view to put him straight

I was in an age gap relationship. My husband's daughter was also in an age gap relationship. The result was that she had a baby when her partner was coming up for 60.

I recall asking my husband whether they had put any arrangements in place to ensure that the baby would always be looked after. DH actually got quite annoyed at me - he thought that I was hoping to "inherit" the baby. Nope!

The daughter's partner had a fatal heart attack when the wee one was about 8. Fortunately, the daughter was fine...but she had just given up her job to be a SAHM and it turned out that her partner had never made a will. On top of that, he had failed to nominate anyone to collect his substantial work pension. He had two adult children and was still paying maintenance to his ex.

It was an absolute sh*tshow.. According to the daughter "We didn't think that anything was going to happen."

Some people can just be thoughtless. I'm glad that you've set your father straight, OP. Now he knows that he needs to sort something out.

Leaving aside what I might think of two people in their 50s having a baby, the reality is that it's unlikely that they will both die in the next 18 years, so the whole thing is a moot point really. They could be as young as late 60s in 18 years. It's unlikely that they'd both die prematurely. I've known people die in their 20s/30s and 40s leaving young children behind - there's no guarantees in life.

So, on the balance of probabilities, they'll be able to look after their children until adulthood.

Nobody of any age should be making assumptions that someone else will care for their children if they die. Being so presumptive is ridiculously rude.

Every parent should have had a hypothetical conversation with the people they think would be the obvious ones rather than merely assuming.

We've ended up with care of my DN because an assumption was made that a childless sibling would 'obviously' take him on. It came as a huge surprise to the person to discover the expectation when her sibling was terminally ill. They tried and it didn't work out at all and the child has ended up with us (which the mother wouldn't be happy about as we weren't their choice because we have multiple children of our own). With proper conversation earlier on an extra layer of upheaval could have been avoided.

Have you made provisions in your will for your children? It's a hard one because obviously anyone is well within their rights to say no but I'd find it hard to look at family the same way again if they said they couldn't support my kids in the untimely event of my death. However I was a bit more sensitive in how I asked

I understand why you're annoyed Op, it's that word assumed that's the problem. If your DPs are still having DC in their 50s then they should be making wills and appointing a Guardian just in case, but you have to ask first if someone's prepared to take your DC in, you don't assume.

OP, could he possibly have been joking? Surely nobody would assume that a relative will take on three children, one of them baby, without even being formally asked?
My guess is that he believes that he will live and be healthy forever and that any talk of his children needing care is a fantasy.

Up thread poster with step dd 'didn't think anything was going to happen'. WTAF?
Of course things happen, her dp died, we are not given an age when we drop of the mortal curve and it could happen anytime. What planet was she living on? Or even OP's parents for that matter.

I don't think you're cruel or harsh to say no. It's extremely selfish and thoughtless of them to continue having children very late in life with no plan in place.

This has come up in my family. I'm in my 40s and never wanted or had children. I made it clear that I'd keep in touch with the children and work with SS to ensure they were given a good home, but I absolutely wouldn't care for them myself.

Don't worry about it, go no contact or something similar.
Don't let your father's arrangements take over your life, you don't owe him anything.
It's a huge decision for adults to have children, with huge consequences for these adults.
That's why I never had any.

Edited - yes, I know it's extreme.
This is how I would have been forced to react, if in similar situation.

And you were never your siblings problem.
Just as these aren't OPs.

If she was to be burndend with them she should've been able to veto their conception.
As she wasn't consulted they can deal with it.

I would assume that they will already be putting a shedload of money into a trust to care for the child should they die before the child is 18. With the assumption that this money will go towards nanny fees, or whatever else to ensure you have to do the minimum for the child. If that is not acceptable to you, then I guess you need to assume that any inheritance will go in total to the new children. Unless they are showing signs of ill heath, or there are family health issues in the past, there is no reason why they cannot both still be alive in their 70s by which time the children will all be adults. There is also the higher possibility of genetic issues with the unborn child.

I have no idea. She was the kind of person who always had to be right about everything.

To be fair, her partner came across as being very fit. Only after he died did we discover that he'd taken "a turn" while travelling one day and had refused to seek medical attention.

I’m child free and with you, OP. It’s breathtakingly entitled to expect you to take them in if anything happens, without even so much as asking before they started IVF.
It makes me wonder how much of a serious discussion they actually had about having this baby?

OP they are bonkers and very irresponsible. I've nagged my AC to make sure they have a guardianship plan in place should the unthinkable ever happen. It needs to be clearly thought through, including financial arrangements and agreement from all sides. Its absolutely not something that can be left to chance or assumption.