Page 20 | To be absolutely furious with my father?

PortaSix · 2024-12-06T13:51:15+00:00

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them. We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in” Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way. I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

Gorgonemilezola · 10/12/2024 15:06

Snoopdoggydog123 · 09/12/2024 12:48

We do put others first. Every single day.
And most of us are saying hell no to taking on more children because we are doing exactly that.

Our own children and spouses.
We are putting their wellbeing, their needs and their quality of lives above that of someone from outside the family who will then deprive us financially and emotionally thus leaving less for them.

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Excellent point. It would be like putting a bomb under the Op's family. Takes in 3 other children to the complete detriment of her own children.

AnnaFrith · 11/12/2024 07:14

Calliopespa · 10/12/2024 08:06

It is indeed never zero - and, incidentally, the choice of stand-in parents is never perfect either: you want to be there for them yourself. But the parents are in the best position to choose and it’s far better to have it addressed than leave it for others to grapple with when children are freshly bereaved. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but swallowed it must be.

Also, I think it can be important to keep updating and revising thoughts. A grandmother with mobility issues who is very close to and shares of the same interests as a DD might not be the best choice while DD is a leaping, bounding toddler; but she once DD is a 14 or 15 year old who can catch the bus etc, GM might now be the perfect guardian.

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This is one of my reasons for NOT naming guardians in a will. I have a close extended family, all of us would be prepared to look after each others children should tragedy strike.
But who would make the best guardian would depend on the circumstances at the time.
It is actually very unlikely that two adults of any age would both suddenly die without warning. The causes of death that become more likely with age, such as cancer, would usually allow time for these discussions before the parent dies.

TheaBrandt · 11/12/2024 07:36

It’s irresponsible not to have named guardians in your will if you have minor children. . If there is no adult witb PR alive the LA have a duty of care so will become involved. The will can at least give guidance as to who they deal with. The decision as to who is guardian will be made in the children’s best interests at the time anyway. If they are Gillick competent their views will be taken into account too. It is rare but it does happen I have seen it happen on numerous occasions.

Pompeyssy · 11/12/2024 07:38

With most couples both working until retirement it is a huge ask of anyone.

Everyone I know had the comversation with family when their first child arrived.
We put it in our wills.

Discussed, sorted, wills made, forgotten about then.

Says s much about her fathers entitlement that he would say that so casually.

I would be putting them both right and I wouldn't be particularly diplomatic about it either.

Having reared my own I would be saying firmly, absolutely no interest in committing to raising anyone else's.

Your father is a prize entitled twat.

Calliopespa · 11/12/2024 07:42

AnnaFrith · 11/12/2024 07:14

This is one of my reasons for NOT naming guardians in a will. I have a close extended family, all of us would be prepared to look after each others children should tragedy strike.
But who would make the best guardian would depend on the circumstances at the time.
It is actually very unlikely that two adults of any age would both suddenly die without warning. The causes of death that become more likely with age, such as cancer, would usually allow time for these discussions before the parent dies.

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I have to be honest and say I’ve not felt quite so convinced by the “50 year olds will likely die” comments on this thread - though I do accept the risk doesn’t get any smaller. For me it’s the ever-present base risk of car accidents etc - and parents do travel together in cars, go on holidays together . Tragically both parents do sometimes die in one fell swoop. I’ve known two families myself where this happened. And that can just as easily be when parents are in their twenties. You just have to make the provision for guardians and keep revising it.

TheaBrandt · 11/12/2024 07:52

Also as the kids get older if this happened and they realise you haven’t even been arsed to go to the trouble of appointing guardians for them..

StormingNorman · 11/12/2024 07:54

I couldn’t see siblings or any family end up in the care system. Presumably with both parents dead and money for IVF, there will be an inheritance to pay for nannies, boarding schools etc to help with their care.

It is incredibly selfish of them to keep having children into old age and to assume that you’d take them in though.

NewBootsWeather · 11/12/2024 08:53

StormingNorman · 11/12/2024 07:54

I couldn’t see siblings or any family end up in the care system. Presumably with both parents dead and money for IVF, there will be an inheritance to pay for nannies, boarding schools etc to help with their care.

It is incredibly selfish of them to keep having children into old age and to assume that you’d take them in though.

Money for a nanny and boarding schools?

Not all people have this kind of money.

NameChange2589 · 11/12/2024 15:01

I think you're getting a bit too worked up over a hypothetical situation. You clearly don't agree with them having more children given their ages which is fair enough.

But realistically what sort of plan / arrangement could they make anyway, given the like of appropriately aged support.

You telling them you absolutely won't step in to help if the worst were to happen to them won't change the reality but will impact your relationship probably.

I think just do as they're doing and don't think to much about, if it happens it happens and it will have to be figured out then.

I think many parents young and old don't guardianship arrangements in place if the worst were to happen but given that they don't hold any legal weight, I'm not sure how much difference they would really make in this context.

mumedu · 14/12/2024 19:50

SorcererGaheris · 08/12/2024 00:44

I am speaking honestly - the fact that you yourself would take on other people's children is a wonderful thing to do and you are clearly very empathetic and kind-hearted in this regard.

But - just because YOU would choose to do this - that does not mean that you should expect other people, who either wish to remain childless, or don't want any additional children, to make the same choice as yourself.

Taking in other people's children is a wonderful, kind thing to do. But if someone chooses not to do so, that doesn't make them unkind.

So true!

Doubledenim305 · 16/12/2024 07:13

StormingNorman · 11/12/2024 07:54

I couldn’t see siblings or any family end up in the care system. Presumably with both parents dead and money for IVF, there will be an inheritance to pay for nannies, boarding schools etc to help with their care.

It is incredibly selfish of them to keep having children into old age and to assume that you’d take them in though.

What a brilliant solution 👏 yes make sure they have sufficient insurance policies or equity in their house or finance in genetrql o cover the financial implications of paying for childcare.
Very good thinking! That is actually the answer.
U bring them into the world, if u want me to help in the event of your passing, make sure the money is there for their care.