To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

I feel like taking a nap just thinking about having a baby at 50+.

OP YANBU.

What? Are you kidding? I’m a child of a father who was very old and they made provisions for me, not my older siblings from his first marriage. They were totally irresponsible having a child without planning for this

Your choice

IVF

Guessing you won't be genetically related to this "sibling" then?!

'but the fact you would consider seeing your siblings go into care says a lot about you OP. It’s not good.'

The only people it says anything about and not in a good way are the foolish parents. Considering the possibility of foisting their child on the OP with no serious discussion, selfish in the extreme.

Where on earth did they find an IVF clinic willing to deal with someone in their 50s. Totally irresponsible.

IVF at 50?? Seriously? In this country?

So you would be totally fine about becoming the full-time carer of three children without any discussion at all?

OP said that she had her kids in her early 20s so that she would be prettty much done with child rearing by the time she is 40. Having half siblings who are younger than your own children will mean that you don't have a normal sibling relationship as you did not grow up together.

Her father and step mother are the selfish ones. I wonder what sort of relationship OP had with her dad after his relationship with OP's mother ended. If he was an absent father, I'm not surprised that she would have little inclination to take on his 2nd family in the event of his and her step-mother's death.

Now if you had said they were going to foster a child without a permanent home I might feel a bit kinder to them -as it is I would feel as you do

These threads always attract people who claim that no matter what they would take on any number of children rather than them go into care, they usually end up throwing insults at people who say they wouldn't.
The point is its OP who is (theoretically) being asked to do this and she doesn't want to, which she has every right to decide.

I'm 47 and have one 18 year old. The thought of having a baby in my 50s is totally batshit.

OP I agree, your half-siblings are NOT your responsibility. DF should have worked all this out before having his younger progeny. It there a w
will on place? Do you have any grown up siblings or did DF just assume you would take them in as the only daughter? His entitlement is astonishing.

Jesus christ no - this is the stuff of nightmares. YADNBU

Several things here are true.

1. Having IVF when you are in your 50s is a stupid thing to do because it's not fair on the child.
2. Losing both parents while you are still a child is rare these days but far from impossible. (I still remember a school assembly where it was announced that a girl a bit older than me had lost both her parents in a plane crash. Awful to think of.)
3. Expecting someone to take on guardianship of minor children if you die without actually asking them is rude and selfish. Children need proper arrangements in place. Nobody should be manipulated into becoming a guardian without genuinely wanting to do it.
4. Children who lose both parents while still under age and end up in care have very poor life chances compared with other children.

If I had a blood relative whose only chance of avoiding care was to live with me I think unless I was very elderly in extremely poor health I'd have to agree to take them in. No matter how bad their parents' decision-making had been, I couldn't let a child go through even more trauma if I could help. (Easy for me to say, though, as there is no realistic chance I'll ever have to make a decision like this.)

Agree that YANBU.
These children are going to go to school and their parents are going to be older than some of the grandparents.
It is so absolutely selfish. Maybe the 10 year old was ok if they were in their 40’s but what on earth are they thinking of? What are they trying to prove?
These children may be loved, I understand there are children in the world who aren’t, but how are they going to look after three children?
I am in my fifties, been through menopause, what she’s putting herself through all this for I have no idea.
Well, tell your father that by the time he requires care he will have to three very youthful carers to look after him!

I have a much younger sibling, parents younger than 50s. As soon as I turned 18 they put me in the will as her guardian (she was around 2) with my younger brother to become joint guardian when he reached 18.They didn't ask but TBF didn't need to.

It seems the sort of mindset that makes you think having IVF in your 50s (when you have multiple young children to boot) is a good idea also leads to incredibly feckless disregard for the wlefare of those kids if bad things happen, as they can. I'd be having a very serious conversation with them.

They may be on their 50s but the chance of them both dying within 20 years is quite small, surely?

I would talk seriously to him and suggest life insurance for both is what is needed to make sure that if one gets ill / dies there is money for lots of childcare support.

Have you got guardianship / support in place should you not survive all your children reaching adulthood / finishing Uni?

Is it really ethical to give IVF to a 50 year old woman who already has 2 children even if privately funded??

I am the only adult child and my dad and his wife are both youngest siblings. So I’m the only one of reasonable age.

The IVF thing is from embryos that they’ve had frozen since their first child 10 years ago so the new sibling will be a genetic link to me. I just find it all so bizarre. Why would you want to have children younger than your grandchildren?

Yes my brother and sister in law will look after our children. They were asked properly and it’s all in our wills.

The conversation should have only been about that once you made your statement, like "What do you plan to do now that I've said I won't be taking in this child? Please tell me that you have someone else in mind and put in place the necessary paper work that they are at the very least aware of what may be coming down the pipe to them"

I feel you missed a trick here by getting them to focus on what they are doing.

I am in no way equating one to the other in my next statement but wouldn't it have been easier for them to get a dog instead of going through IVF and all that entails??

No one should just assume a family member will take on their children. You are not being unreasonable. Have a proper conversation with your father about this. Tell him you are not prepared to take responsibility for his children at any time and he should make proper arrangements for them to be taken care of in the event of his and their mum's deaths.

Seeing the age of your own DC I can see why you were annoyed Op, if Heaven forbid their DPs died you'd be left with five young DC, that's a lot to ask of anyone.

Why would you guess that? IVF can use the sperm & eggs from the parents, it doesn’t mean donors

Presumably the OP's husband's brother and his wife?