To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

The fact your Dad and his wife are in their 50s and are having a third child, is absolutely crazy! They already have a 10 year old and a 3 year old! I don't agree with women having IVF at this age to conceive, it's irresponsible. Both your Dad and his wife should have thought and discussed about guardianship, before having the 10 year old, let alone the others! It is completely unreasonable to expect you to take in your half-siblings, if something should happen to their parents. It should have been a discussion between you, your husband, Dad and his wife, prior to having the eldest child. It may be unlikely both would die prematurely, but it's always a possibility. Your Dad most certainly shouldn't have assumed. Unfortunately, this is now a real issue that does need addressing, and a honest conversation is needed. When my son was born, my husband and I asked both my sister-in-law's if we could add them as guardians, in the event we died. We would have never just assumed.

Indeed. I would take in any of our family's children if they needed it. Or any friend's. Most neighbour's even. I wouldn't see any child I care about going into care, regardless of how their parents have behaved.

I think that's a bit different though. Siblings having children at a normal age and then dying is very rare. Your Dad and his new wife doing this in their 50s is quite different. It's a half-sibling conceived when they probably should not have been; not the same as a niece/nephew being orphaned in a more typical set up.

It’s a huge undertaking to look after someone else’s children. Three of them. Admittedly it’s a moral quandary for parents with frozen embryos. What to do with them? But then if your DF can contemplate having a child in his 50’s then by that fact alone he’s a selfish creature. Not inevitable, but the odds are higher of parents being ill or incapacitated or dying when their children are relatively young if becoming parents to a newborn in their 50’s.

A larger issue is how this feels like another example of how, as individuals, we’re being led to believe that we can and ought to have anything we want. Nothing ought to be off the cards in our search for individual happiness. I’m alright Jack. Aided and abetted by science, technology, marketing and profit. However, this inward focus does not make us happy nor is leading to a happier, more contented society. Doing the opposite.

My great grandmother had her last child at 52 (having started at 15) I have a very strong sense that had reliable contraception been available back then, this wouldn't have happened. She spent months thinking she was in menopause apparently.

Utter madness to seek it out, isn't it?

And yet still not OPs problem.

That's lovely and everything. Well done you. Give yourself a gold star.

I wouldn't want three extra kids dumped on me when mine had grown up because my late-middle-aged father and his wife can't make responsible choices about parenthood.

I might, in extremis, possibly take them in but I'd be rightly disgusted with their parents for not thinking through likely scenarios for elderly parenting.

I would. If the alternative is wasting my own life.

Yeah sure this happened.

So?

I would struggle to say no, but it's not a position anyone should be forced into.

WTF. How irresponsible.

Even less of a reason to want someone else's child foisted on you. Someone has made a considered decision to remain child free. They should not then be expected to take on someone else's child/ren.

I presume that they must be loaded - private IVF is expensive. Especially since the majority of private clinics still won't consider it for a 50+ year old. So if their money goes with the kid, you may want to reconsider?

He sounds very selfish OP. Having been a crappy dad to you when you were a child and a crappy grandfather to your children, he expects you to take on the responsibility for three children that you hardly know and with no discussion about any of it.

Half siblings she barely knows, 300 miles away and sees twice a year?

"Happy" doesn't enter into it. "Not prepared to blow up her own and her children's lives" might be more accurate.

That's a bit OTT!! The OP doesn't need to do anything other than make it clear she won't be in a position to care for the children, so they need to make other provision.

The odds are that if won't ever come to that anyway.

I also think it's a bit hard to say "you don't owe him anything" of her own father. Technically no, but unless there's a dreadful backstory, a little love and loyalty wouldn't go amiss? Doesn't make her obligated to have the children!

Apart from anything else, I'm wondering how the OP would be expected to manage financially, never mind timewise. She already has her own children to put through university. How on earth is she supposed to take on another three?

Quite!

Their money may all have been spent on fertility treatment. Besides, money is not the only issue. OP would be expected to manage a large, blended family. She never agreed to that.

OP has said that he was a crappy father to her when she was a child. He is a good dad to his new children though. He isn't a good grandfather either so OP owes him nothing.

My half brother and my friend were named as guardians if anything happened to us and agreed to it. Well brother emigrated to America and my mate emigrated to Australia. Fortunately DS is now 23. Personally I would only take on own granchildren or that half brothers kids.

They have lots of money. They’re both doctors (ironically!)

They’ve already made it pretty clear I won’t be inheriting much from my dad so I don’t really know what to think. It’s not a conversation I can be assed to have. I’m going to tell them that if they were being serious then it’s a no. My husband and I have plans for when our children are grown. We have bought property for our 2 children so they don’t need to worry and they can move out at 18 and go to uni and live their lives. I can’t take on extra kids which is why we decided to stop at 2.

Indeed. I would take in any of our family's children if they needed it. Or any friend's. Most neighbour's even. I wouldn't see any child I care about going into care, regardless of how their parents have behaved.

Good for you. Does that mean everyone should do this?

I've gone out of my way to not have children. I've never wanted them and don't enjoy the company of children. I would be enormously ill equipped and ill suited to take in a child.

Why should someone be obligated to take on children that were produced because of someone else fecklessness?

I think you’ll be ok - if she’s 50 then she will most likely live to see the baby become 18+.

they are staggeringly selfish but hopefully this is all theoretical