Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

I hate confrontation so would probably email the colleague rather than speak in person, and say you’re aware she made a complaint about you occasionally using the wrong pronouns for her client but that it was not done intentionally. But I would say that you have no problem using their client’s preferred pronouns, and that you have also done that, as she presumably has seen, it was simply an error and you’d rather she remind you directly than going above your head.

Pretend none of this ever happened. Try to use the desired pronouns. Keep your feelings towards your colleague to yourself.

Sorry, OP, you're on a hiding to nothing if you do anything else.

It's a crazy world.

As above! 'It's quicker and easier for me to correct myself if you just tell me when you spot a mistake'.

Sounds nice and unconfrontational

Just leave it.

Your manager seems to have dealt with it the right way - informally - and politely told your colleague not to do that again. No point making any more out of it

I'd leave it be.

I think the thing with Pronouns is if someone's going out of their way to want them used correctly, it's pretty damn important to get it right. If the non-binary person will see anything you've written/goes in a file they might have access to, it basically says to them that they are unimportant, you can't be asked to learn the facts, and their wishes aren't being respected. I think this is particularly important if you are supporting someone vulnerable - even a simple mistake could make them feel like the world is against them.

Just double check in future. Presumably you read it back to yourself anyway to check what you're sending, so check for uses of 'she/her' etc.

This

I view pronouns as learnt, we've been taught for life right from birth how to refer to someone, so much so that it becomes instinctual.

Your name is whats individual, i'll call you any name you want (and I might forget it as many people do unless they know you well enough), but when you start to expect people to go against their natural goto for pronouns, especially if their pronoun contradicts their name (Sheila is she, Harold is She vs Sheila is He, Harold is He), then you have to expect people to make mistakes, and its not because they are purposefully trying to offended you... its that they have been taught one thing their whole life.

Anyone that complains about that, to a manager first off rather than having a word, tells me more about their character than anything. I'd be stepping lightly and keeping my distance from that person, they want drama and chaos and trouble, and they will drag anyone into their space of chaos.

Bloody hell is she the Stasi? Ignore and don’t trust her again

Your colleague has shown themselves to be completely untrustworthy so note that

i like @SingaporeSlinky ‘s wording but I would have it as a conversation rather than email. You’re not waiting around wondering if she’s read it yet and you can watch her squirm

No such thing a non binary. Can't stand all this fighting natural instincts to avoid offending people.

Please don't feel bad about the mis gendering as that's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Your colleague sounds like a pita and actually quite ungrateful for the help you've been giving.

I'd go carefully around this colleague. She, he, it or they are or is looking to make trouble.

I would very childishly start using “she” more, just to annoy your colleague. You are correctly sexing that person

I think you should just park the reason she complained (petty as it may be) and just say to her, in future, if there is any issues with me it my work please speak to me. I like you and get on well with you, so I hope we can speak together to sort out anything without needing to involve LM. You could mention it's company policy to approach it this way as well. If you are quite friendly I'm sure it won't happen again.

What she is really saying, is that even though you are across this case for longer, even though you think you can explain to her the complexities involved- you can't. Because you can't even get the pronouns right.

She is establishing herself in the office. With your manager.

If this wasn't the case, then she would have approached you directly.

I wouldn’t comment to her but all my future communications would be extremely distant and formal. I would proof read your emails carefully and make a mental note to not forget her actions.

a simple heads up from her would have been fine and more professionally courteous

It's tough to get it right all the time - I'm similar at work, especially when a person has just recently changed their pronouns.
I like a PP email idea to your colleague, you should go with that if you feel comfortable. It's pretty awkward that your colleague would go to your line manager, and quite unfair especially if you get on well with each other!

I'd probably do a 'Find and Replace' before sending any documents and find 'she' and replace with 'they'. Whilst muttering under my breath about the crazy world we live in and what a waste of time it is. I wouldn't confront the colleague and otherwise ignore it ever happened.

I would completely ignore her and not give the silly little tattletale any oxygen. She's only doing it for attention so don't give her any.

I would find it hard to get right all the time. I can't even remember people's names and misname my own family some of the time.

I completely agree with this.

I get that some people have a keen passion for choosing and monitoring the use of alternative pronouns for others to use when referring to them; but for the vast majority of us, they're just a boring, mundane part of grammar for which we've learned the simple, basic rules from a very young age, and to which we don't give a moment's thought when it's our native language.

No different really from if somebody took issue with standard prepositions and wanted others to start talking about, say, putting the milk ON the fridge, sitting OVER your desk, travelling AT the bus etc. It might be very important and make complete sense to that person, but it would be a big confusing bin-fire to the rest of us, if we were expected to use and remember the new (and, to us, totally illogical) changes whenever we spoke.

I wouldn't kill myself helping her anymore.

I think that it was appropriate to go to management because it isn't for ger to explain the situation. It isn't difficult to get used to using names and 'they'. You should have had diversity training, has that not happened? That's a issue for management to sort out. I'm GC, but if you work with vulnerable people who have triggers (your client group), you don't deliberately trigger them. That appstore anyone who has MH/isn't ND/has Trauma etc.

She is a player.

This isn't about pronouns. She wants you to think it's about pronouns. You are tying yourself up in knots over pronouns. If it really was about pronouns she would have told you directly.

This is about her undermining you. Whispering in your boss' ear. She is planting seeds.

No one does this unless they are a player.

I wouldn't say anything as it has been dealt with, and I would be guarded around her going forward, she isn't your friend.