Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

God why does it always default to this nonsense.

People with genetic abnormalities STILL are either male or female. The abnormality is sex based, it is not some new third sex.

Ironically, the people who accuse us of denying trans people's existence are the same people saying we don't need a word for biologically female people and that there is no such thing as biologically female anyway.

So who is really denying whose existence?

Yeah let's ask Budweiser about this shall we?

There are far more than just XX & XY, if we tested all non binery people it may that they fall into the other categories without knowing.

This is a highly fanciful theory. Non binary doesn't even have a coherent meaning.

😂
yep, they massively fucked up didn’t they!

It’s like people forget that evidence comes first.
Now it’s ’I want a thing to be true and despite no evidence that it is, I will just state it to be fact’

Because they know that nobody is going to go around testing the chromosomes of every single human being just to find one that doesn’t fit neatly in to male or female

Any 'transphobia' is removed immediately. What you are in fact suggesting, is that womens rights is 'transphobia. And what therefore you need to consider, is that you are saying that Mens Rights - re-badged as 'transphobia', and misogyny - is acceptable.

I would refer to the client/patient as their name , in full every time. Can't do the NB pronouns, particularly in written communication - the discordance makes me want to scratch my own eyes out.

As for the colleague, I would either ignore the issue or explain it's easier and more collegiate to raise any minor issues directly instead of bothering tattling to the boss. And smile!

I'd never trust this colleague again.

I never said it was a third sex, try re reading my comment again. I said it’s likely those that feel outside of m or f may have the other combos of x&y & that may contribute to them feeling outside the binery of xx & XY because if they have a combo of XYY for example that could the cause of feeling ‘non binery’

There is absolutely no evidence for that however. It's entirely supposition your part.

There seems to be zero correlation between identifying as trans and having a DSD, so why you think 'non binary' would be any different is beyond me.

What is a feeling of non binary? How will I know it when I feel it? And is that feeling sufficient for me to claim NB status? And then compel the speech of others?

I said it’s likely those that feel outside of m or f may have the other combos of x&y

It really isn't likely, it's nonsense

What is a feeling of non binary?

Whatever you decide it is.

How will I know it when I feel it?

It's up to you, if you fancy you feel something you perceive makes you different to all the other boring npcs of your sex, you can call that feeling that and it's completely unfalsifiable.

And is that feeling sufficient for me to claim NB status?

Hell yes.

And then compel the speech of others?

See previous answer.

Thank you- good to know!

Tell her you actually believe that sex is immutable and that there is no such thing as non binary or binary and we use pronouns to differentiate between male or female. It’s no different to languages like French using La or Le.

Pronouns kinda annoy me if I'm honest, it feels like compelled speech, and I couldn't care less about policing how others refer to me when I'm not present (which is generally when we use pronouns anyway).

However.

In a work setting, I keep those opinions to myself, and if any of my direct reports are ever pulled up about not using pronouns correctly, I would handle it like this manager did, low key, don't make a big deal of it if it's a genuine mistake/someone finding it difficult to get used to. If someone is point blank refusing to use correct pronouns, I'll have a word and just try to understand where they are coming from, but ultimately the rules of the workplace are the rules. We are no longer forced to declare our own pronouns (hurrah), but we are asked to respect others' wishes about theirs. Which I can get on board with. Even though I kinda think the whole non binary thing is a bit tedious and attention seeking.

It is entirely a supposition on my part, I’ve made that quite clear in my comments several times along with never saying I believed there was a third gender/sex. I honestly do believe that in future there will be something discovered biologically that explains transgender/non binery

Are you saying that I want something to be true so I will state it as fact? I’m not sure where I’ve ever stated it as fact, I’ve actually said in my opinion, I think etc. are you talking about someone else in the thread?

You feel it’s nonsense, I feel differently. It’s funny that how we can have different opinions & don’t all have to think the same…

You feel it’s nonsense, I feel differently.

Cool.

You are entitled to your feelings.

I just don't understand why they should have any impact on my speech.