Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Oh for goodness' sake. You say airily "it isn’t difficult" but it clearly was difficult because the OP didn’t do it deliberately - I don’t understand why you talk disapprovingly about "deliberate triggering" despite what she has said. How on earth would diversity training prevent someone automatically and unconsciously using a female pronoun for someone with a female name?

I understand if the colleague felt awkward to raise the matter herself, but making a "complaint" about it was the wrong way to approach it. I would say to her that I was disappointed that she didn’t simply raise the matter with me herself, that of course it wasn’t deliberate and do please tell me if I make the same unconscious error again, so I can correct it.

...about someone whose pronouns are she/her

God this pronoun stuff isn't difficult if you just make an effort, come on , do better🙄

I really hope your job doesn't involve anything to with reading because your reading comprehension skills are terrible.

We aren't allowed to use people's names in emails and we are a charity who only support women so I have been using 'she' routinely for years.

If you only support women, why has somebody referred a non-binary person to you in the first place? By their own admission, they are not a woman and so the support that you offer is not appropriate for them.

Would a biological male who identified as NB be referred to your charity for support?

I think it should have been a conversation between the two of you. In general I prefer to use names as I feel it is polite to do so.

Tell "them" verbally to speak to you to resolve, I wouldn't email "them" just in case "they" uses that against you and accuses you of bulling "them".

Absolutely this. She is trying to undermine you. Luckily your manager handed it well.

I would be wary of this person. I would not be helping her anymore or only the bare minimum required.

we are a charity who only support women so I have been using 'she' routinely

But if the individual in question doesn't identify as a woman, why is the charity supporting them at all?

It's hard to use singular they for a known person. It doesn't come naturally and people slip up, even genderists. The sooner it's recognised as controlling behaviour and people are cut some slack or allowed to conscientiously object due to rejecting this ideology the better.

Oh christ here we go...

I think because your manager handled it so well. Just leave it. However - going forward just understand that you can’t trust her.

Watch her like a hawk and only speak to her about work. Make notes of any mistakes and report it.

Do not socialise with her outside of work.

If you’re a charity that inky support women then she’s a she surely

Oh bollocks to that. The client is a woman, she, OP and OPs twatty colleague all know she's a woman. She's going to get called she all the time what with actually being a she.

Client is using a service thats just for woman, FFS, shes a she.

Stop pandering to the bullshit.

What a nasty, shit stirring twat your colleague is.

Couldn't give the smallest shit about the pronoun thing (as in, I wouldn't bother worrying about it).

Of the employment tribunals where women have been found to have been discriminated against because of their gender critical feminist beliefs, a significant number revolved around "non binary" people. And the counsel on both sides slipped up, witnesses for both sides slipped up on the pronouns and referring to the sex of these people. It isn't easy.

I think most people know its madness, but we got bills to pay, mouths to feed, ain't nothing in this world for freeeeee.

No it means that the "she/her" in the OP is the colleague. Its the female named client who prefers "they".

The fact that you couldn't read the post before responding suggests that perhaps a different activity would be better for you?

Because it would be unfeminist of an organisation that helps women to refuse a woman help on the basis of her beliefs, however silly you might think those beliefs are.

I sometimes wonder whether all the pronoun stuff is an issue on the continent in places like France where everything is masculine /feminine etc. Is it causing issues?

Stop pandering to the bullshit.

Exactly - just stop it now. And stop telling people they are wrong for denying reality and using the natural terminology that their ears, eyes and brains recognise.

I don't even believe half this crap is real - it's too bonkers.

I refuse to engage with people who insist I use they/them, why do their feelings get to trump mine?

OP: If you have previously worked well together I'd simply say "another time just point out the error" or similar. I agree with PP - someone running to management in this kind of situation is either too immature to have a normal colleague based conversation or shit stirring and finding this a handy issue to use.

Your colleague undermined you

Suggest you think why she would do that