Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Strange world we live in...
How times have changed.

When I was younger it was seen as rude if I, or anyone, used the term "She/Her" in reference to a person I'd have got a stern reply of "who's she the cats mother".

Using 'preferred pronouns' when talking about someone when they are not present is quite different to challenging someone's 'gender identity' while they are in the room.

My opinon is that if you are dealing with potentially vulnerable women or girls, you should insist on the use of female pronouns in any professional interactions.
Using male or gender neutral pronouns makes is harder to maintain awareness of their extra vulnerability caused by their female sex.

I have refused to use 'preferred pronouns' and recommended that others don't use them either in these circumstances. Not had any kickback, but I live a long way from Brighton.

This is a good idea. I’m the same, mix words up all the time. (I’ll say shut the door when I mean open the door). A speech therapist referred to it as my brain going to the wrong drawer to pick a word - the drawer next door in my brain.

One of my kids have a friend who wants to be referred to as a gender neutral they. I’m more than happy to do it. But I always mess up. I just try not to speak around them now, which I know isn’t a great long term solution.

Be careful, your colleague is a shit-stirrer. I have one of those, went to our manager complaining that I had not said hello to her one morning, and how horrible is that, so rude, creating such a hostile work environment.
After some questions, had to admit that when she had said hi, I was in fact talking to someone else and yes, probably had not even heard her.

If she was concerned about the client's feelings, she would have just reminded you that hey CandyCane, remember this person prefers we use 'they/them'.

This

OP I agree with all the pps.

First, don’t worry about your actual mistakes - easily done, no harm done if the client wasn’t even present, totally understandable in the circumstances.

Second, I’d be wary of this colleague. I wouldnt criticise her actions in any way in case she tries to use this against you. Just say “thank you for raising the pronoun issue with my manager. Please feel free to raise it directly with me if I make that mistake again”. And then withdraw your help and support. She doesn’t deserve it, whether she is awkward or not (suspect she knew full well what she was doing).

Agree with this. Regardless of views I don’t think it’s a big ask to use chosen pronouns, in the same way you should use the correct name and pronunciation. It’s just basic manners.

Leave it be and CEASE GIVING HER ANY SUPPORT. Unless a client's wellbeing depends on it. If she won't support you, there is no reason for you to support her.

I would say just don’t use gender in email going forward. I’ve used ‘they/them’ as a sweep all for years. Largely because in big multinational companies it’s not always obvious what someone’s gender is by their name. But as non-binary language has become more common, it’s become an easier way to ensure emails don’t cause offense.

Meanwhile my obviously female (and fairly common!) name is often misgendered, misspelt, and mispronounced. I’m not running to anyone’s line manager over it 🤣

Are you obliged to provide her advice? If you're not, I'd just ignore her requests for same from now on. If you are obliged, I'd keep it as brief and succinct as possible. It might be worth telling your manager that, on reflection, this woman leans more heavily on you than you'd expect from someone adequately qualified to do their job, so perhaps there is a training issue (one that would appear to include a lack of interpersonal/conflict resolution skills). You can suggest the latter under the guise of importance of discouraging a toxic work environment (for which snitching is one of the main drivers).

I do find it mildly amusing that in my part of the NHS misgendering in patient letters has been rife for years, as there are many hospital consultants who don't have gendered pronouns in their first language.

I find patients are generally so grateful to have actually seen a consultant they're not worried about them using the wrong pronouns.

Ohhh dear, yup.

My youngest and her friends are cats atm. I think? Or foxes? I just use their names 😅

The world has gone nuts and I’m not even old! People seem to care more about bloody pronouns then they do about many more important things. It encourages people to be selfish and self involved. I don’t care what people identify as that’s their business. But everytime I see a person online making a fuss about their pronouns being correct I think how utterly selfish, talk about me, me, me. Is that all they have to contribute to the world - outrage about their pronouns?

Rant over.

Do nothing OP but proceed with caution with this person, I wouldn’t trust anyone who went to a line manager in such circumstances instead of politely correcting me. Your line manager sounds sensible and dealt with it.

In a sane world your colleague would be reminded that pronoun use is not obligatory and that being GC is worthy of respect in a democratic society.
But we're definitely not in a perfect world so I'd do nothing, however, as someone else suggested, I'd be pretty unhelpful towards her from now on. She can go fuck herself, frankly.

It's not basic manners at all, and it is a big deal. She is a she and it's basic manners to not try and force us all to pretend otherwise.

Personally couldn't care less if I was a they or a she. Doesn't get me bothered either way

Oh yay we haven't had pronoun thread so everyone can bash non binary people for two whole days 🙄

This would get my back up. I wouldn't say anything to her as she's shown what type of person she is. Going forward I'd be keeping my interactions with this colleague to a minimum and I'd be guarded around her.

She could have easily said something to you without turning it into a big deal.

@Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee I will use he and she as it is proper grammar and they/them isn’t.

It is now. Language evolves, and the singular "they" is now widely considered acceptable for referring to people whose sex is not known or who prefer not to specify. See the U Chicago English Language Institute and Merriam Webster.

It hasn't "evolved", it's been forced on people due to a few loud activists lobbying for it.

You're putting the responsibility on your colleague when that's not her job. She shouldn't have to pull you up on using the wrong pronouns (you shouldn't be doing it in the first place)
her response to speak to your LM was appropriate.
youre clearly just angry / embarrassed at being called out for doing something wrong that you're laying blame with her for 'not handling it correctly' when actually if you hadn't done it in the first place this wouldn't be an issue.
the blame is 100% with you, stop blaming other people for your mistakes.

It's just nuts OP. In most cases supporting vulnerable people their sex is relevant. If your agency only supports women and you aren't allowed to use names then it's all the more farcical. I'd be pissed off at them going to management too, and trying to police you and your (factual correct) use of language like that. I'm not suprised you are ruffled.

1. Sorry if people's actual real life problems bother you. Perhaps don't open it?
2. Non binary isn't a thing that exists, and nobody is getting bashed. If you don't like people talk about others making up identities that don't exist and compelling us to join in....well tough, basically.

You're putting the responsibility on your colleague when that's not her job. She shouldn't have to pull you up on using the wrong pronouns (you shouldn't be doing it in the first place)

It was a mistake, she isn't a fucking robot. They/them for a known person isn't a natural form of speech.