Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

OP isn't contacting the NB person, she is contacting their caseworker. So not triggering anyone.

Generally in emails at work I think Pronouns are to be avoided. It’s really odd if the person is reading the email or gets it forwarded to them in future. It comes back to older people in childhood saying ‘who’s she - the cat’s mother’.

It avoids these issues entirely.

I’d just say ‘oh yes thank you’ and move on. Nothing will be gained by getting snotty with your colleague, meh colleagues can go to your line manager if they wish.

It doesn’t sound like this stuff was written for the patient, it was advice for the colleague.

Absolutely!!

And it is really difficult to get used to using new pronouns! Where do you get the idea it’s easy?

The thing is that this makes it clear that the complaint to the line manager was taken further and that the OP got some form of telling off, which is what this person wants.

Ignoring it sends the message that their behaviour has had zero impact and that nobody in the organisation is impressed by it.

Elements of this remind me of this recent case.

www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/roz-adams-rape-crisis-centre-constructive-dismissal-gender-critical-b1192476.html

True, technically OP (now I'm afraid to use wrong pronouns here 😅) could use the name or just the letter A or whatever and then caseworker can edit as they see fit ... that is, if its in OPs job description to be doing this other persons job...

The fact you have just used "she" and "her" throughout your post on purpose/without caring suggests that perhaps a different job would be better for you.

Unless the client in question has access to the paperwork yoy have created with her correct sex based pronouns used, this colleague is just a shit stirrer.
If the client in question does see paperwork, then I guess you have to either play along, or refer to this person by their name at all times. Or just use their initials, for speed.
JT decided that JT would prefer not to take that particular medication, as it had adverse affects on JT in the past.

It reads like a bloody robot wrote it, but who cares? JT is smugly self satisfied at forcing articulate and educated adults into complying with JT's mental delusion, your colleague can't complain and you can try to do a crossword or something to rebuild your lost brain cells.

The fact you have just used "she" and "her" throughout your post on purpose/without caring suggests that perhaps a different job would be better for you.

No it doesn't. So you want the women's sector to be left to self absorbed people with gender identity issues entirely, do you?

I don’t think the op should particularly care whether the colleague will appreciate her talking to her about it or not. That’s not the ops problem how the colleague feels about someone addressing someone in a professional manner, its something the colleague either clearly needs to be better at, or its a power play like others say.

Let it be. But be very careful around this colleague.

The problem is that F&R can be a blunt tool, so you could end up with some interesting substitutions when any words contain the letters 'she' together.

The charity Shelter would have to become Theylter!

Never mind Sam Smith's already-bizarre 'fisherthem', it would now become 'fitheyrthem' - looks like a word that JRR Tolkein came up with in Middle Earth!

It's not necessary for the OP to do anything either, yet here she is.

I used she and her to refer to my colleague. Who uses she and her. Is that not allowed either? My God.

And don’t put anything in writing.

I would honestly just give this colleague a very wide birth, as much as you can, OP.

Only about the colleague? She’s not the non-binary person here, that’s the client.

Aaargh berth!

She's asking for advice. My advice is indeed that she does absolutely nothing.

This is a small error, which was a mistake especially as you are using the preferred pronouns in other places.

I agree that the person has brought this up to the manager rather than you for another reason. She might be undermining you or she might be sensitive about pronouns for some reason that you don't know about. The reason doesn't have to be malicious.... BUT document all communication from now on, follow up emails after conversations to back up your take away from the conversations.

It's not about appreciating it though. It's about how easily she goes to management about things. If the OP confronts her, she might see it as an attack and make a further complaint about the OP. The manager dealt with it. There is no need for the OP to flame things.

Leave it be. An email is a paper trail after all and can be used against you should things go south.

Let this be the warning that SHE is a snake and for the watching.

I'm petty, so I'd say nothing now but come down like a ton of oomska on any tiny and inadvertent mistake she makes... why should pronoun mistakes get special treatment?