Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

Because it would be unfeminist of an organisation that helps women to refuse a woman help on the basis of her beliefs, however silly you might think those beliefs are.

It would, but it does highlight the cake and eat it nature of gender identity ideology. By her own definition she isn't a woman.

Well that's just silly. I have an unusual name and when I first moved to this country people often didn't know whether I was male or female and often referred to me as he/him and so on. Because in my line of work it's mostly men. I would have far preferred people say they as it's neutral. Other languages don't have gendered pronouns and they cope just fine

But in reality everyone knows she is one.

Yes, that's my point too.

This might sound flippant, but it reminds me of the old Fast Show sketch with Ted and Ralph, where Ted and his friends at the pub are playing a game where they have to add in the name of a vegetable before each word in the sentence - e.g. "Carrot right onion who cauliflower wants parsnip another potato pint?"

Obviously, the game is deliberately designed to confuse and trip you up, and it's only a matter of time before somebody will forget and make a mistake, at which point everybody else laughs at and makes fun of you for your failure.

It was a genuine mistake op, and easily done whatever your views on gender. Your manager rightly saw this and kept it low key. I wouldn't bring it up with colleague - they are clearly looking for trouble. Just be on your guard around her from now on.
Whatever your views on gender, this kind of role does require you to respect the pronouns people choose for themselves. But respecting and remembering to go against your natural flow of language 100% of the time are two different things.
I had a colleague in a similar type of role who constantly misgendered everyone - English wasn't her first language and she would interchangably use all of the pronouns in noted e.g. "She came to the appointment with his support worker". She was never chastised for it, just gently reminded when it was spotted.

Whether they identify as a woman or not, they are still female and therefore entitled to use the service. It is not even this person who is causing the issue. We don't know if they would be upset about the OP accidentally using "she" so I don't know why people are being nasty about them.

If the person in question doesn’t have a cock and balls it’s a she so you were spot on.

It happens frequently on TV and radio, even when the reporter/presenter is very sympathetic to somebody's preferred pronouns.

There was an awful lot of accidental 'misgendering' when Sam Smith 'came out' as NB and it was discussed everywhere.

You work for a charity that only supports women. “She” is the third person singular pronoun for females of any age (not always humans). Its only natural to use she particularly if you are thinking about the more complex aspects of your client’s cases. I would tell your manager this.

Your colleague is being underhanded and sneaky and I would not trust her.

So it's a charity that only supports females? I'm surprised that your client wants to be involved with such a thing? I really feel like tearing my hair out, this non binary person does not like being called she, but is happy to be dealt with by a charity set up to assist females. Talk about having it all ways!
And your colleague is a snitch. I would be polite but not overly helpful in future. It's taking advantage of your experience and then kicking you in the teeth.

You have a far bigger issue here than innocently forgetting an imaginary pronoun. Your problem here is you have a new colleague who has only been there five minutes but is quite happy to stab you in the back without hesitation. Say nothing to her. If you say anything she will be complaining you are bullying her next. Be very careful with your interactions here because she has shown herself to be trouble and it won't end well.

Non-binary is a made up term, we all know that. I'd just try to refer to her by her name instead of some silly made up term. That way she cannot complain but you're also not bowing to stupidity.

Refuse to help further tell them your a bit busy and your sure they can manage "feel free to run it past me and we can take it from there"

So do you still prefer people not to refer to you as she, even when they've met you and/or spoken to you on the phone or received another strong clue as to your sex (e.g. been told you're on maternity leave)?

'They' as a singular is legitimate when you don't know the person about whom, you're talking.

I would avoid this colleague wherever possible unless it's necessary for your job to communicate. You can't trust her, she's a snake going to your manager without even raising it with you. Preferred pronouns should be just that, preferred, not enforced by management. FFS. I'm so sick of all this crap. It's causing division and intolerance.

Obviously, the game is deliberately designed to confuse and trip you up, and it's only a matter of time before somebody will forget and make a mistake, at which point everybody else laughs at and makes fun of you for your failure.

Yes. Or they report you to HR. It's a power trip.

I thought we had a good relationship. Was there a reason you went to line manager without discussing with me first?

To adapt another fast show line, she thinks she is a considerably better human than yow.

This.

I agree. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the colleague is trying to cause trouble. Maybe she is, but maybe she's just awkward and doesn't know how to raise the subject with you directly. OP, you know your colleague: which do you think is the case?

If you think she just lacks the confidence to have raised the pronouns issue with you directly, the best thing is to encourage her and set her a good example by talking to her in person about this, but in a very calm and reassuring way. Help her see that it's possible to ask a colleague to do things differently without it being a huge scary confrontation. I'd be as breezy and cheerful as humanly possible: "Oh by the way, my line manager said you'd mentioned I'm getting ClientName's pronouns wrong sometimes. Thanks for helping me keep on top of it! I do sometimes make mistakes and need reminding. Can you just mention it to me straightaway whenever you spot a mistake? Thanks!"

Personally I’d distance myself from the colleague and also bring up her complaint when there’s an appropriate time. I wouldn’t worry about misgendering someone if you didn’t do it in a spiteful, intentional way. I will use he and she as it is proper grammar and they/them isn’t.

Your manager dealt with it well. So say nothing, but privately recognise that your colleague is not to be trusted and will stab you in the back in a heartbeat over the most insignificant issues. Keep that in mind for any future contact, keep it formal, and polite but nothing more and don't help out unless it's something essential to service users.

Since you can't even comprehend OPs clear message that this was a third person the colleague was referring to perhaps going back to school is required for you, rather than suggesting a new job for OP?

I would state a preference not to work with this person. She sounds like a troublemaker. I would t say anything to her. If you do have to have any dealings with her keep them strictly to the point.

I hate the pronoun bollocks but I'd go with an email.

Hi colleague, manager has relayed that you spotted a mistake with my work and asked her to feed that back to me, noted. Please shout if you spot any more mistakes so I can correct them.

The sit on your hands so you don't accidentally tell her what an arse she is.