Colleague has complained about me using wrong pronouns

[CandyCane103]

Name changed but have been on mn for a fair while now.

I work in a role which requires me to do casework supporting vulnerable people. I am supporting a member of staff with some cases that fall under my specialism. We've always got along well and I've really enjoyed working with her. I've been here a number of years, she is 6 months in. One of her cases is a non binary person, and she emails me occasionally for advice as it is a long and complex case (has been ongoing for months now since before she joined the team). I usually get it right but have occasionally written 'she' by accident. They have a female name and I am not intentionally using 'she', it just naturally happens. Instead of speaking to me about it, she has made a complaint to my line manager, who has had a word. Line manager was fine about it and it wasn't a telling off. More of a passing on a message.

Now feels very awkward and think my line managers advice to her was that she should speak to me in the first instance. I really want to raise with my colleague that she should have spoken to me instead of running straight to my line manager. Not sure how to handle this as I've never had a complaint from a member of staff and it has ruffled my feathers.

Would you just leave it be?

OP I had pronoun issues because at the best of times I mix up things including calling the dog by the kids names and vice versa - I learnt with the pronoun thing to just use the name.

Sandra is feeling well today, Sandra came in this early morning and Sandra was complaining of stomach pains. Sandra lives alone and Sandra will be going home alone.
Literally no use of she, he, they, them. FAILSAFE!

I would give this colleague a wide berth and treat her with caution. She’s ready to stick a knife your back at any time.

Anyone else sometimes want to scream "stop the world, I want to get off!"

I litterally cannot get behind people wanting to be called they/them. I refuse point blank to do it and refer to them by their name instead.

Ultimately this person is one of those people who supports this utter madness in society. You're right to be cautious. Don't trust them at all. Just be distantly professional and make a note to triple check any written correspondence (ctrl+f for she).

I would say nothing, leave it a few weeks. And then whenever you email her amend your auto-signature to change pronouns and then complain when she gets them wrong. And I would never help her at all (save for doing what you need to do to be professional, never do anything additional to that for her).

I agree with this and would be coolly professional from now on. She has tried to undermine you and is not to be trusted.

'@toomuchfaff

I view pronouns as learnt, we've been taught for life right from birth how to refer to someone, so much so that it becomes instinctual.
Your name is whats individual, i'll call you any name you want (and I might forget it as many people do unless they know you well enough), but when you start to expect people to go against their natural goto for pronouns, especially if their pronoun contradicts their name (Sheila is she, Harold is She vs Sheila is He, Harold is He), then you have to expect people to make mistakes, and its not because they are purposefully trying to offended you... its that they have been taught one thing their whole life.
Anyone that complains about that, to a manager first off rather than having a word, tells me more about their character than anything. I'd be stepping lightly and keeping my distance from that person, they want drama and chaos and trouble, and they will drag anyone into their space of chaos.'

Completely agree with everything you said.

I had two colleagues go to my manager and claim I had been 'rude' in a meeting for simply asking someone to clarify what they meant about a project (they were really vague and it was unclear what support the were asking for).

I lost all respect and trust in these two people, who I had always had gone out of my way to support and praise, for not raising this with me first. Not to mention that my manager was unable to articulate/give me details what I had said that could be considered 'rude'...

I also agree that it is easily to have a slip of the tongue when it comes to pronouns. I am a manager and used to have a staff member who struggled to remember to use 'they' for a particular client at the beginning. She was the kindest and most dedicated of person so I had no doubt it was not done on purpose/maliciously and was just an instinctive use of the pronouns we have been taught to use from childhood.

That colleague is just out to create drama...

It is hard to get used to it though. We aren't allowed to use people's names in emails and we are a charity who only support women so I have been using 'she' routinely for years. I also think that if you want to progress in your role you have to show that you can explain things and speak for yourself rather than going to management for everything. It has happened twice in email and twice in conversation (apparently, I don't remember) but I feel that if in conversation the right thing to do would be to just correct me and say 'ah, sorry, just to remind you they're non binary and use they/them'. It's not hard.

I would say nothing to her directly and I would be extremely careful in all communications with her in the future - basically keep to the absolute minimum, by email where possible, and check everything carefully.

^ This, and avoid/watch your back with this person. To reassure you, your manager is probably just as 🙄as you.

Or, like 95% of MNers, she "hates confrontation" and so did it indirectly. Which the OP has been advised to do as well.

Sounds as though the manager has handled this pretty sensibly.

Definitely don’t email the colleague! The last thing you want is colleague picking up any other perceived transgressions. I would just not say anything, and leave her wondering.

Going forward , I would not be available to help/ advise colleague beyond the minimum requirements by of my own job. If colleague asks for advice and you are obliged to support, offer a face to face conversation rather than anything in writing.

If your own job requires that you must give written feedback for this particular case, I would avoid using pronouns completely and just use the client’s name.

I definitely wouldn’t email the colleague - anything you put in writing could be used against you later, plus as others have pointed out, it’s an avoidant or even passive aggressive way of dealing with the situation.

Depending on your relationship with this colleague and what you want that to be in future, I’d either have a word where you say that you’d have appreciated them coming to you rather than your manager, or more likely just leave it. Your manager has already told them this.

It's not just you!

'They' IS used legitimately to refer to a single individual, but it's done when you don't know who the person is/will be and is thus distant and generic.

Once somebody meets you and/or gets to know you, your sex is one of the first things that becomes apparent - and then, that person will know which pronoun (as dictated 'traditionally') is appropriate to use for you.

It seems madness to me to then want to maintain that distance and make somebody refer to you as though they don't know you, when they do. It would be like expecting a person who is familiar to you to keep referring to you as 'this person' or 'somebody' rather than as Kate or Robert or whatever anybody who knows/has met you actually refers to you as.

Just seen your update about names- in that case, I would just use ‘the client’ or whatever wording you use, but still no pronouns.

It wasn't necessary for her to do anything.

I would guess your manager was inwardly rolling her eyes when your colleague brought it up. Your manager has dealt with it in a low key appropriate way. Leave it there.

Is the support you have been giving your colleague a mandatory part of your role? If not, stop doing it. When she comes to you, say you're too busy at the moment. Be apologetic even. But don't help her ever again. If you have to do this work with her, do the utter bare minimum. Nothing extra ever.

Maybe use the word "client" or "A" or an ID number? There has to be a solution so that there is no offence caused in light of this all. A concrete way. What a shame OP the other person/colleague sounds untrustworthy though be careful. Maybe offer up to higher ups that you want to suggest we use ID numbers etc so no one gets pronouns wrong or offends vulnerable people. Tell the higher ups to find a failsafe system or solution to occasional human error.

Other comments are really good with advice on the situation, I'm not very good at that but I'm practical so I'd be asking if there's an alternative way and I'm also petty so I'd be ott about how we need to make sure it never happens again and if they can find a solution for it because human error will always at some point happen.

I'd go carefully around this colleague. She, he, it or they are or is looking to make trouble.

YY.

Do not address this with the colleague. She did not want to confront you about this issue, so she will not appreciate you confronting her about it now. It went to your manager and your manager dealt with it. Leave it there. You know what she is like now. Keep communication with her short and to the point.

Was going to post exactly this - I never use pronouns for my work colleagues, I only ever refer to them by their name. Yes it can sound a bit clumsy, but it’s worth it to avoid finding myself in this kind is situation, and before anyone posts to say ‘how ridiculous!’, someone I worked with had a similar experience to the Op & it was quite difficult & stressful for them.

Also agree with previous posters, keep a professional distance between yourself and the staff member who reported you to your manager - it was really unnecessary to speak to your manager & I would question their motives for doing so.

I’d say to her that you would appreciate her flagging up any complaints to you first in future and is probably be too busy to help her moving forward.

It is hard. And it's an abuse of the staff to make them play along with it. And it's, honestly a form of abuse for you to tell the OP that she's in any way in the wrong here and that something that is objectively difficult is easy. You owe the OP an apology, tbh.

No such thing as non-binary. Poor you op. I don’t have any advice but hope this nonsense will end soon.

I agree with this. I'd ignore the comply but I'd stop helping her as much. Keep it professional and do your job but don't go above and beyond to help her do hers any more

When she asks for advice direct her to policy/ training etc but don't give advise her as to how to proceed. Unless it really is your role don't discuss her cases more than necessary. Try to dial back on the ' helpful scale' to what you job requires of you and no more .