How do I become 'hot'?

[DonaldGumbo]

After years of giving 0 thought my appearance, it's finally getting me down a bit.
I'm struggling with bad skin, bad teeth, sagginess, mental hair, terrible clothes and no real motivation.
I also have no money.
Help a girl out.

@healthybychristmas yeah I'm not entitled as I have a 'good job' but not really much for a mortgage, bills etc, but that is another thread.
It's awful isn't it but sugar gets me through the day sometimes.

Definitely going to try with the water.
I have a walking pad which I use but even using it for an hour a day, the calories burned are minimal (200 ish) it's not really cardio is it?

Have a look at the wavy hair method by Charlotte Rich on facebook, it promotes cheap products and methods to make curly hair beautiful and non frizzy. It's really good.

When trying out make up, go online and try the products on yourself online. This can save you time and money.

Join the second hand groups of your favourite shops on facebook. You can save a lot of money that way.

Good luck!

I'm in a similar position to you OP time and money wise. I have been doing the curly girl method for a year and love it.

I felt the same as you about 6 months ago and have started a few things which I feel help.

I use super drug's own brand curly products (shampoo, conditioner, leave in conditioner, curl cream) which are cheap and great.

I use skin tint, liquid blush, mascara and tinted lip salve... Again all cheap and cheerful from superdrug and very natural looking. I also feel weird about obvious make up.

I buy clothing these in vinted/charity shop. I make an effort to wear earrings every day, and a jacket with a bit of shape which makes me look more put together.
I feel better for doing these things.

Some national hairdressers chains offer cheaper haircuts. Also local hair and beauty colleges are good for haircuts and treatments. They are checked by qualified people before you leave. Good choice if you don't feel comfortable cutting your own hair or don't want to spend too much.

I changed myself around over 18months , been a journey and a half for sure and if I didnt have that one photo of me, I certainly wouldn't see how far I had come because its been gradual

I. had weight to lose. Thats where I started and for me that was the trigger to start looking at me as a whole

Unemployed when I started so money was tight ( non existent )

I got a hair cut, one that suited me, face shape and what I could do with it. Im lucky that its not expensive for a hair cut where I live, £20 well spent. However I do also live near a beauty college and have many a time booked in there for a cur and colour over the years, most I paid was £10 for cut/colour and finish but I was in there hours

Eyebrows. They lift the face when shaped and tamed. I pay £8 to be threaded , I use a lass with a chair in a shopping mall - 10 mins

I joined these boards and read up on what everyone was using on the face, without the budget some have I had to use supermarkets, but at least I knew what active ingredients to look for , and just starting the most basic of routines, my skin has improved considerably . I have rosacea , not the spots anymore, just the rosey cheeks, but even thats a lot better. Cos I have a typical oily t-zone, I didnt realise a lot of my face skin problems were due to dryness, started to moisturise and bam - I now have near enough normal skin

So of course I was losing weight and seriously the best thing I did was get fitted for a bra. Can not believe what a HUGE difference it makes. I have boobs sat where they should be , they are contained, they arent oozing out under my arms nor am I resting my chins on them, plus I went down a dress size just by getting my bra size right

Its difficult to fit in the exercise, I dont have kids, just an elderly mother , a husband and now an early morning job , and these past two weeks Ive been out there at 5 am in snow, fog, gales, -5 temps and if I didnt have a dog Id not be doing it. It is hard. Im out at 5 with him and again mid day when I finish and again at 4ish and it feels like I am forever out there pounding the roads when Ive so much to get done at home. But in the same breath, if I dont get at least 3 miles a day in, I feel like crap. So I dress for the weather, stick on the high vis and out I go

Just take on board the bits you can fit in/afford. I started because I needed to lose weight and become presentable enough for customer facing roles, and now I even put a bit of make up on with confidence - just bought some lip stick and eyeliner but not sure about those yet. - they both feel very frightening :) Im just going baby baby steps and Im even going to wear a dress in two weeks cos Im actually going to go to a works night out ( Ive always dodged them because I didnt feel comfortable because I felt ugly ) Im never going to be a stunner, maybe just about hit pretty, but Im HOT - Because I have confidence

You could do something as simple as:

1. moderate priced hair cut and style
2. rub your facial skin, arms, hands, neck with (ultra cheap) sorbolene.
3. shower/bath with a synthetic loofah that is (very) mildly abrasive ... lends itself to exfoliating 'dead'/dryish skin [and allows the sorbolene to do its job afterwards]
4. use a budget priced whitening toothpaste 3-4 times per day
5. in between teeth care, gargle a half-teaspoon of mouth-wash all around your mouth, throat and gums. DO NOT spit it out yet! Grab your toothbrush with the residual mouthwash and scrub your gums (front and back) then your tongue. Spit now!
6. Feed yourself helathier, nutritious foods.

You will see minor results in 4-5 days and a big impact in 18-28 days.

Start with one thing. It’s easier than it seems.

Personally, I would start with easy, high impact things that make an immediate difference. Facially, hair or brows would be my recommendation- as both really frame a face and are often the difference between looking put together without makeup, or just plain scruffy.

If you choose hair then look at hair styles worn by celebrities with a similar face shape and weight to you. Choose a cut you like and then book a hair consultation to learn which colour best suits your skin’s undertones (alternatively there are apps you can use to try different hair colours). Book a hair appointment for your chosen cut (and colour if applicable). Before you leave that appointment book in your next one for 3 months’ time. Between appointments maintain daily and weekly. Daily overnight curls take no more than 5 mins, weekly wash and condition takes no more than an hour. I do overnight curls with a sock or dressing gown tie after brushing my teeth, and cover my hair in a silk bonnet to sleep. In the morning I take out the curls, brush my hair and go to work with perfect waves. 5 mins in the night, 1 minute in the morning. Very rarely use a curling iron or hair straighteners these days.

If you choose brows it’s a similar principle. Book your plucking and laminate brows or microblading appointment. Before you leave book your next appointment for 6 weeks’ time. Between appointments (1) fill your brows with a brow pencil and brow gel daily - it only takes a minute for both brows once you’re used to it, and (2) pluck the newly grown hairs weekly to maintain your brow shape between appointments - literally put a time block in your calendar for this.

Once you’ve got into a good routine on that one aspect, introduce the next change. I was always into clothes and fashion but the above is how I became well maintained and put together (as when I was 22 I wanted to go from a relaxed, messy boho look to a Parisian girl look). I started with my lashes, then my brows, then my hair, then my nails and then my lipstick/ eyeliner. Took about a year to achieve the look I wanted as part of my normal easy routine.

I’m now into Korean makeup and going through a similar process- I regrew and reshaped my brows during the summer, and relearnt how to do brow makeup in September. I then spent October and November updating my skincare routine and products to achieve clearer skin for that more natural makeup look. Now I’m now relearning how to do my foundation/ base.

I find it really fun but take it slowly, and only add a new step in the routine once I’ve perfected the previous step. You can’t change it all at once as these things take time to become routine and easy. If you stick to it a year will make a huge difference!

Start small book a dentist appointment. Facials helped for my rosacea and cutting out alcohol. I bought a green calming cream from boots no7 as well as a calming balm from the beauticians. Matt oil free make up from no7 too. Have a google its trial and error as everyone is different. I dye my hair myself but go to the hairdresser every few months. Also love hair straighteners! Self care - I walk everyday, swim when I can too.

I feel you OP. Looking after yourself is a habit like any other. I bet you’re a lot more attractive than you think - as the Beatles said, ‘it’s all in the mind you know.’

I’d say exercise makes me feel hot, not cos it’s hot to be thin (that ship has saaaaaaailed) but when I’m fit and toned then I’m the best version of myself. Even if I’m still larger than I used to be I’m not wobbly. That helps me out mentally.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like you actually have any real time to exercise with the gruelling schedule, and I can imagine you’re knackered. Would suggesting 15 minutes of some sort of YouTube HIIT every other day in your living room be ludicrous? A burst of cardio and some strength makes a difference to how you feel within a few weeks. Kids will often do it with you if it’s Joe Wicks or whoever (anyone who doesn’t make you want to scream). Or at least they’ll watch you and laugh, doesn’t matter, at least they’re getting entertained and also seeing their mum exercise.

Rosacea, doctor can help. Skin is not as noticeable to others as it is to us either, and can be toned down with BB cream for red skin. So you won’t look like you’ve totally clarted yourself. I find avoiding spicy food, nuts and cheese helps. I do eat them but sparingly.

You say your hair is naturally dark. Is it dyed?

Reason I ask, I am naturally very dark too but went grey at 20 and was dying dark for years. Then that looked unconvincing so I bleached it. Whoops. Bleaching screwed up the curl pattern of my hair and made it frizz. So if you’re bleaching it maybe consider whether it there is another colour you like which is less harsh on the condition.

And if it’s not bleach, ignore, but could you go to a hairdresser who specialises in curly cuts and get them to show you how to style it curly? Frizz is often caused by fighting nature.

Have a look on Instagram for curly hair styling and cuts. I found the curly girl routine did work for me eventually but only when I wasn’t bleaching the crap out of it. I don’t think there’s a substitute for a good haircut, and it’s worth every penny. Get a head wrap for sleeping. Some Noughty curly conditioner and curl creme. Treat your barnet like it’s precious 😂

As to feeling guilty about spending £40 - could you reframe? Say, think about it in terms of how whatever makes you feel better will enhance your kids’ lives as well. You work full time and more - you’re entitled to the odd haircut. Even if it’s only a few times a year.

You probably feel fucked cos life is hard right now and your schedule leaves very little room for you as a person. But you are only young. I would love to wake up 35 again tomorrow - give me more of that sweet youth! You have so many years of your prime ahead of you.

Don’t get overwhelmed by the journey, just tweak a couple of small things and see how you get on. You really matter and don’t always need to come last.

Haircuts (and scalp care advice) for curly hair at home by following along with a hair stylist:
https://www.youtube.com/@ManesByMell/videos

Styling routines and inexpensive UK product recommendations for curly hair:
https://www.youtube.com/@sophiemariecurly/videos
https://www.youtube.com/@hanzcurls/videos

Products for rosacea from Boots here (tester sizes of 30mls available if you don't want to commit to large sizes):
https://www.boots.com/the-ordinary-azelaic-acid-suspension-10-10267775
https://www.boots.com/the-ordinary-natural-moisturizing-factors-and-ha-100ml-10279249
https://www.boots.com/the-ordinary-glycolipid-cream-cleanser150ml-10328369

Same here with the hair. There are many curly hair products out there. Some like Only Curls are more expensive, the Aussie range available at Superdrug not so much.

The ranges generally comprise a shampoo, conditioner and curl creme.

Learn the plop and scrunch technique! It's changed everything for me 😃➿

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8WwvU6rSkjU

The hair and the teeth (to some extent) are fixable. Start with those and then deal with the rest.

For clothes, have a look on the Uniqlo website and see if you like their style.

It is plain, amazing lightweight quality fabrics and staples and very reasonably priced. So comfortable to wear. My trendy teenagers, young adult children wear it. I recently bought a few pieces to update my 'mum' look. As the clothes are plain, you can accessorise to add interest. It does not look try hard.

I have curly, frizzy hair. The Aussie Bouncy Curls is the best stuff I have ever used and it's on offer in Tesco for 3 for £10. Also, the olaplex bond strengthening mask once a week. It's expensive but worth it. For a decent cut, you really need to find a curly hair specialist but they are super expensive and usually need to do a pre appointment consult to look at your curly pattern, hair texture etc.
Make sure you get good sleep. Try to drink 3liters of water a day. Eat plenty fruit, veg and wholegrains.
Daily exercise, a combination of cardio and strength. You can do this at home using YouTube videos. Yin yoga is brilliant for flexibility and for stress management. A couple of sessions a week will help almost everything.
Fresh air every day, even if it's just for 10 minutes, but walking outdoors is brilliant for physical and mental health.

A dental check up, scale and polish if you can get a dentist and then get some whitening toothpaste.
Vinted and depop for clothes or charity shops. Make sure your clothes and underwear fit.
Stand up straight, walk confidently and believe in yourself.

I pop some Rimmel light foundation under my eyes as I have quite dark circles so it conceals them. Other than that I never wear foundation all over my face.
Then i sweep blusher up and away on my cheekbones then black mascara on top lashes for daytime.
That’ it and my face looks ok.

I never wear lipstick but slick Vaseline on my lips throughout the day.

The reality is, unless someone is a supermodel to begin with, they cannot be ‘hot’ in their mid 30’s onward. They can definitely be well presented, very attractive, stylish etc, but ‘hot’ really is the domain of youth (again, unless you have the most unique set of genes, which would mean you’d already be a supermodel at that point anyway).

There is nothing wrong in aiming for well presented, attractive and stylish though but you do need to realise you are never going to be a 20yo again.

Exactly. Come across so many people and see it in posts here that makes you think the exact day you turn 40 is the day you invest in good elasticated slacks and hush puppies and give up on life. It’s young, just out your 30’s, not directly before the grave. Make the most of it!

There are loads of YouTube fitness videos that your kids could do with you. Or, if they are older, they could point, laugh and slag you off, like mine do. You could make it a family activity, especially in the winter when it's harder to get out walking.
Proper sleep, loads of fresh fruit and veg, loads of water and some fun exercise every day are honestly the best things you can do for yourself. Your confidence will improve no end.
If you're eating a sandwich on the car for lunch, add an apple and a banana. Or, instead of a sandwich, make a salad wrap with some protein in it or a tub of couscous with roasted veg. Add some blueberries to your breakfast and, as a change from peas, get some of those frozen bags of microwave steam veg or bags of salad leaves and some cherry tomatoes. All quick and easy.
I know exactly how you feel and it's very daunting. You just need to take things slowly. Make one change at a time and stack your new, good habits.

It sounds like you're in the survive phase of your life but you'll be the thrive phase at some point and you can do more for you. For now if you have no time then I'd think some key clothing items that feel you, jazzy jumpers or statement bomber, box dye or hair cut. Decent jeans. Do some YouTube exercise videos if you can't get out the house to exercise. You'll feel some much happier in your body. It's not just about being hot it's about feeling good and feeling like you.

Alldaychemist

Your yearning and seeing it in others because you don't feel it in yourself.
The effort,the look, the "societal type" is down to you and ypur own feelings.
The other woman's hair or look or clothes won't fit and rock on you because they aren't yours!
You'll feel weird. And no matter how you copy them it won't feel right...you'll think it's you....you'll think you can't pull it off.
But firstly you don't know she feels it. And she won't if she doesn't feel it inside or is copying whst she believes in "perfect" or ",hot"
She will be looking at who she copied off and wondering why she can't pull it off.
Plus some people shape themselves in societal beauty acceptability. Ok bully for them. For a wee while.
They will be OK. Praised feel good because our world is then catered for them.loving and coveting or thinking they are great for their beauty. Eventually they will fall. As inside, and the effort to be that will pull them under.
Or they will live a disordered way of life forever.
Woman have wacky fashion. Really vintage. Or rags. Or slim fit. Or baggy. And it looks good when they choose it. From the place of THEM as the chooser.
And finally not giving two fucks for others.
Might the shallow or ego world hate on them. Perhaps. But God they'll be happy because they will still not give two fucks.
That takes strength. That takes heart and persistence. But when you find you. Choose you. Your food. Ypur clothes. Looking in the mirror suddenly makes sense.
And it's from the inside out. Otherwise you will never match up. Because it was never yours to be in the first place.
You feel bad abiut your current because you jave learnt to from what the world ha e taught you is or isn't beautiful. Or acceptable or fuzzy or frumpy.
Who.made them bad?
When a baby or toddler did you bwleive it?
Nope. The world taught you.
Time to fuck the world or you'll be striving forever

The physical -

Lose some weight. This is 90% diet so don’t make excuses about not having time to exercise.
Skin - if you have clinical issues like rosacea, see a dermatologist. Wear light flattering makeup.
Hair - dry frizzy hair is not hot. Keeping your hair in good condition and well styled is time consuming, not going to lie here.
Teeth - get these seen to asap
Wardrobe - flattering, well fitting clothes that show off your new (slimmer) figure. Proper underwear - no droopy saggy boobs. You don’t have to show a lot of skin to be hot. Dresses and heels are an automatic shortcut on the hotness spectrum. Wear red if it suits you, no mumsy florals and prints.

Non physical - confidence, the way you hold yourself, walk and move. Posture. Smile. Learn to flirt.

If you aren’t used to wearing make up I’d recommend getting a tinted moisturiser instead (nothing too orange, ask someone in the shop to help get the right colour), it’s very light and absorbs easy, it would help even out your complexion a bit with the redness! Also some tinted lip balm. I don’t like the feeling of wearing make up and am very pale with red cheeks and this helps my confidence whilst looking very natural and a lot cheaper. Also keeping eye brows under control makes a big difference, get them waxed a couple of times for the correct shape and tweeze / trim at home after to maintain it.

Definitely exercise. Walking is good enough. I make sure I get 15k steps minimum on a work day by walking inside if I have to. But obviously an outdoor walk is better. Lots of online exercise videos too. I’d lose some pounds and get some new clothes, even if charity shop or cheap online stores.