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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

190 replies

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:31

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 05/12/2024 19:33

No, and it sends the message to your child that his possessions aren’t really his, it takes his control away. Not only very hurtful and confusing, but also likely to lead to bingeing and jealousy, selfishness, all sorts of unpleasant outcomes.

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 19:34

Definitely not unreasonable at all!

I can't believe he suggested just eating the chocolate and sweets without even so much as asking your son. The teens presumably get treats from DHs family and their mum and her family they don't need stuff from yours and they certainly don't need to take stuff from their 5 year old sibling.

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:37

Thank you!

I think if you were to really dig with DH, it would probably be mixed with a bit of hurt that his children aren't massively integrated into my family or seen / thought of the same as DS. But that isn't DS's fault and to be honest with you, I feel like it's partly his. Admittedly my family don't make a huge effort and never have done with DHs older DC, but then neither has he to really involve them and bring them along to things like this (where they would always have been welcome to go if he wanted).

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/12/2024 19:37

YANBU. I never asked the DC to share, but when I was given chocolates and sweets I would share with them. They soon started to offer their treats too, but it was their decision to offer and they obviously controlled how much was given away - as it should be.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2024 19:39

One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Why didn’t you give the teens their selection boxes to eat if they were complaining there was nothing nice?

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:40

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2024 19:39

One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Why didn’t you give the teens their selection boxes to eat if they were complaining there was nothing nice?

They've already eaten them

OP posts:
notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:40

But DS has a lot left because he was given more.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:42

I always asking my DD to share edible things with others. Other things no but sweets & choc, yes. Not shared equally but just giving others some.

AlertCat · 05/12/2024 19:42

Thinking about this, it’s also giving the teens implied permission to take DS’s stuff whenever they want to. It’s really not an ok thing to suggest!

Why doesn’t your H buy them extra stuff if he feels miffed that they get less than the child who actually goes to the family party?

FriendsDrinkBook · 05/12/2024 19:42

Your husband needs to get more snacks in for the older kids. It's really unfair to offer to share your little one's treats without his consent.

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 19:42

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:42

I always asking my DD to share edible things with others. Other things no but sweets & choc, yes. Not shared equally but just giving others some.

Edited

Why?

thepinkcow · 05/12/2024 19:43

No definitely not, I have 2 dc and if one finishes their snacks before the other then tough that's on them. They are his so it's his decision whether he wants to share imo

Stormyweatheroutthere · 05/12/2024 19:44

Wil dsc be bringing stuff their dgps gave them to share with ds? Guessing not.... Your dh is a sap. Surely he tells them they are ds's stuff and keep their stick mitts off not bloody help yourself??

FriendsDrinkBook · 05/12/2024 19:45

@StarDolphins why? Can't they save them for when they want them?

It really grinds my gears when adults disrespect children by not allowing them the final say over their own possessions.

Would you like it if you were told to give up any of your things?

RosieLeaf · 05/12/2024 19:45

Yanbu. DH is being massively UR. He can go to the shop for treats if his poor complaining teenagers don’t like what’s around. Or they can go themselves.

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:47

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 19:42

Why?

Because I think it’s manners. Probably not in this situation actually because I’m not actually sure the son was there. But if my DD was in the company of other kids & was eating sweets/chocolate, I would expect her to offer something.

user2848502016 · 05/12/2024 19:48

No I don't think he should have to share in this situation, they were his Christmas treats!

If he was sitting eating a bag of sweets in front of people it would be nice to teach him to offer them around- but that's different to what's happening here

fanaticalfairy · 05/12/2024 19:49

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:42

I always asking my DD to share edible things with others. Other things no but sweets & choc, yes. Not shared equally but just giving others some.

Edited

Why though? Is she not allowed to just have things that are hers to enjoy?

AlertCat · 05/12/2024 19:50

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:47

Because I think it’s manners. Probably not in this situation actually because I’m not actually sure the son was there. But if my DD was in the company of other kids & was eating sweets/chocolate, I would expect her to offer something.

In this case the teens have eaten their selection boxes though. If one kid still had some sweets left, but the others had scarfed through everything they’d had, I certainly wouldn’t make the one who’d saved stuff share it.

fanaticalfairy · 05/12/2024 19:50

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:47

Because I think it’s manners. Probably not in this situation actually because I’m not actually sure the son was there. But if my DD was in the company of other kids & was eating sweets/chocolate, I would expect her to offer something.

I'm sure you share absolutely every treat you ever get...

fanaticalfairy · 05/12/2024 19:52

Id push it back to DH/older kids and say, fine, I'll just help myself to your selection boxes next time.

No need for you to ask and they can't complain one bit

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:52

FriendsDrinkBook · 05/12/2024 19:45

@StarDolphins why? Can't they save them for when they want them?

It really grinds my gears when adults disrespect children by not allowing them the final say over their own possessions.

Would you like it if you were told to give up any of your things?

Edited

If she said to me while I was eating a box of chocolates “can you give some to “Alby & Eadie” (her friends), I would say of course! Although, I’d have offered before she said. I would only give them 2 each & the rest would be for me! That’s all I expect of her.

If her friends come & she said I don’t want anyone to spray my sol de janeiro (or whatever). Totally fine.

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/12/2024 19:53

It wouldn't come to my mind to come home with treats and not share them with everyone in the house. And that's how I was raised as a child (big family, sharing was important).

If it was something special or rare I would get it, but for chocolate i find it weird to be so protective.

prescribingmum · 05/12/2024 19:53

Certainly not unreasonable in the expectation that he should not be giving away your child’s sweets without even considering his feelings.

It should be considered if he has that many chocolates and sweets, is he really going to eat them all? If not, would it not be acceptable to ask him to pick his favourites which he’s going to eat and some others to put into a family bowl to share with all? Still agree dad should not just be offering them round without a second thought but sharing isn’t a bad thing

LilacLilyBird · 05/12/2024 19:54

Basically your DH is a stingy and lazy sod

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