To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

[notunmewatch]

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

I agree with this. If someone got a hand decorated chocolate Santa, yes, all hers. But a bag of sweets or chocolate, just share. It’s hardly a prized possession.

I'm trying to think back to myself as an older teen (almost, if not actually a legal adult) and imagining wanting to take sweets off a five year old sprog. Nah. The indignity! Anyway, what five year olds like and what appeals to seventeen or eighteen year olds isn't necessarily the same. I'd want things that had been bought with me in mind.

@StarDolphins a bag of sweets that an adult sees as inconsequential might mean a lot to a small child.

The rule in our house is that treats need to be shared. What goes around comes around and it all works out in the end.

Good practice then for when they’re an adult!

I’m with you. Treats don’t have to be shared.

I thought this, then saw that they'd already eaten them...

Growing up the youngest of three in bygone years, when i was 5 my grandparents made sure my brother and sister left my chocolate alone if they'd wolfed theirs down ahead of me.

Boundaries are essential in any family and allowing the older ones to take the sweets from a 5 year old isn't good.

If he has 'a lot left' even after a selection box he was obviously given far more despite him only being 5. Most people would buy less for a much younger child not more. This time of year chocs and treats are pretty cheap so it feels a bit shitty of your family not to just send stuff for the teens too? Tubs of chocs are less than a fiver? Cheap selection boxes are under £2 it feels like they made minimal effort there.
There are teen step relatives in my family and we'd just have got all the kids the same treats, why not?

And did they thank the person who gave them to them?

Why didn't he just give them a bit of money to go and buy snacks for themselves, if they're in their teens?

Personally I think if you choose to eat your sweets in front of others, and they don’t have anything themselves, then you should be encouraged to share - most dc I know would do this automatically. I don’t mean necessarily dividing up equally, but handing the bag round so everyone gets one.

But it’s never ok for someone else to help themselves or hand out somebody else’s sweets, and that includes their parents.

Absolutely shocking behaviour by your DH! Your poor little one! As a matter of interest OP, was your youngest there at the time?

I initially voted yanbu but changed my mind as depending on the amount of sweets involved (sounds like a lot!) I frankly wouldn’t want my child consuming so much, even spread over time, so would rate it got shared out a bit. But would explain to DC the reason why

The whole "be kind" bs again. No, having reasonable boundaries is not a bad manners. A person, even a child, has a right to his own possessions and is not required to give away his personal Christmas gifts to other people, even if they really, really want them. In this case, the child was not even asked. The OP's husband wanted to give away the chocolates that were gifted to the child without even asking him.

YANBU. Your DH doesn't get to share out your child's treats. My mother used to make me share EVERYTHING and to this day I find it easier to give give other people gifts than to buy stuff for myself. It's crap.

Yanbu.

Very cheeky of your husband, your sons gifts are not his to re-gift.

I don’t think they should help themselves but teaching your child not to share isn’t a particularly great lesson either. There’s a half way house here.

Why couldn’t he just give them a few quid to buy something they wanted?

Was he there? Was he even asked?

Even if the older kids weren't step children, the situation would be the same. A 5 year old often gets more stuff like that anyway, because teenagers get treated in different ways. It would have been ok to ask the five year old if they want to share though.

YANBU in the slightest. Gifts should only be shared if the recipient wants to.

MN probably considers me the devil for having slyly eaten half my kids Halloween chocolate.

Sharing is because they want to share their gift in this house.

The sweets were a gift to the young lad from his family. Unless he said hey sister would you like a tangfastic. They are his.

Isn’t Christmas a pain in the arse?

I think the biggest issue is that a five year old was given so much more than teens. They should have had the same amount each (even if you/DH had to buy more in to even up the piles), and then when they've finished their equal share it's all gone.

Yes, expecting a 5 yr old to give away their chocolates is wrong, but so is a 5 year old having so many more than his siblings. Bad (and hurtful) messages all round.