To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

[notunmewatch]

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

Just get some other festive snacks in earlier and allow all the children to tuck in. I agree these sweets are DC but you also have 2 other children in the family to consider, and so it would be wise to stock up on fun festive snacks for them so they feel included.

It's all well and good saying treats need to be shared but the teens didn't share anything from theirs with the 5 year old by the looks of things, just scarfed the lot and whined like actual toddlers for more. I'd be willing to bet the teens wouldn't be so forthcoming with sharing of the shoe was on the other food too.

Sharing isn't taking things without asking the person who they belonged to either, it's up to the owner to offer and since the child wasn't around to offer them the adults shouldn't unilaterally make the decision to pinch things.

I think it's right to ask your DS whether he would like to share one of his treats with his older siblings. He should have the choice; steer him away from giving too much as he likely would feel under duress.

The older teens have eaten their box of chocolates, which were kindly given, and really they should consider going to the family Christmas fun time next year rather than raiding their young brother's gifts.

I think it would be nice for your DS to share something from his stash but it needed to be his decision (even if he was “helped” to come to that decision) and your DH should not have told them to help themselves as that will just result in the whole lot being raided.

TBH, he sounds like a Disney dad, staying at home so they don’t have to go to family gatherings and letting them take what they want. They’re either part of the family or they’re not, they can’t have the best of both worlds. Plus they’ve already eaten an entire selection box in just a few days, do they really need more?

also ask your DH if the roles were reversed would they share any of theres with your ds ?

But that’s not what’s happening here, OP’s DS was not eating his sweets.

In your haste to #BeKind, you’ve assumed something that wasn’t happening.

Asking the younger DC to share is fine and tbh, to be expected in a family. Even if he said no, a conversation can be had and a good teaching moment.

However, unilaterally deciding that his sweets are there for the taking and telling the other kids to help themselves is wrong and lazy.

A lot of PPs saying it's rude to sit and eat sweets without sharing. I agree. But we have no evidence that the 5yo WAS sitting eating them. If they were put away and the dad's suggestion was that they go and get them and help themselves that is not on.

OP does DH suffer from dad guilt that he doesn't see them much? I would suspect that's what drove him but he was massively out of order. He needs to find better ways of dealing with it.

I do agree with the sentiment of what you’re saying, but it’s just not that deep though, it’s chocolate.

Have you tried telling a child ‘it’s not that deep’?

Not the point of the thread at all, but I'd have been looking to get rid of much of that candy crap anyway. What 5 year old needs boxes and boxes of chocolate and other sweets? It's making me nauseas just reading about it😂

If you want to teach a kid to share, you teach them by sharing your stuff with them, not by demanding the kid shares theirs (when they already have much less control over their lives).

The teens, on the other hand, should just walk themselves to the shop if they didn't freely and generously share with their little sibling earlier.

No one's making YOU eat it.

No, I never make DD share if she doesn't want to and if I have some nice chocolates I don't feel the need to share all of them either. Sharing should be spontaneous and because you want to, not through obligation. However, I do teach her it's rude to eat Infront of others (that aren't me) without sharing.

You should ask him whether his DSC's Mum's parents are planning on sending treats for your DS! If they are getting treats from 3 sets of grandparents then your son should be too.

Surely if the teens have eaten their share and are allowed more chocolate, the dad can just pop to tesco? I would be rather miffed to be made to share my sweets if they didn't share theirs from their other side of the family. I still haven't forgiven my brother for nicking my toblerone in 1989 though, so I know how to hold a grudge!

I feel sorry for your DS. The olders teens didn't bother going to your family get together (depending on their ages when you got together I don't think your family are obliged to treat them the same, especially if they're not interested in spending time with your family). They then ate theirs without sharing by the sounds of it (and i expect they get things from DH's side of the family that srent shared), and now DH thinks it's okay to give away some of DS's.

Not unreasonable. I hate it when people expect children to share everything. I teach my son that it’s nice to share, but also tell him he doesn’t have to share everything and definitely not his favourite things

Bloody hell, it's christmas. Of course they don't need it! Just like I'm sure you don't need your phone/computer that you're using to post on here.

No one's making YOU eat it

Sounds like someone's had too much sugar and its made them lose their sense of humour🙄

It sounds to me like DH was trying to score brownie points with his teens by showing ‘hey look I’m willing to take sweets from your brother to give to you’. I’m glad you hid them away.

If you’d taken time to read the whole thread, you’ve wouldn’t have needed to clarify what I’d already clarified!

But the kid is only five. I doubt he’s at the point of seeing beyond the joy of being the owner of a lovely pile of goodies from his lovely relatives. He hasn’t had that many birthdays and christmases to remember that feeling and get a sense of perspective about it just being chocolate.

Absolutely not being unreasonable.
aside from the actual treats, it would give DS the message that his stuff doesn’t matter. They are his to eat or share as he chooses

Christmas is a time for sharing... but it should be DS's choice whether he wants to share his things and who he wants to share them with.