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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

190 replies

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:31

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 20:33

I’m not telling her to ‘be kind’🤣 I’m saying it’s not manners to sit & each sweets & chocolate & not offer a small amount to other kids. Especially if you have loads & they don’t. I would also want her to be offered in the reverse of this. And she is, not one of my friends has let their child eat loads of chocolate in front of her without saying ‘offer xxx one please’.

In my opinion, teaching your child to guard edible things like prized possessions doesn’t do them good in the long run. It’s standard sweets & chocolate, not a limited edition box of Hotel Chocolat opulent truffles!

We all have different opinions. And that’s ok.

Wellingtonspie · 05/12/2024 20:34

mrsm43s · 05/12/2024 20:28

I think the biggest issue is that a five year old was given so much more than teens. They should have had the same amount each (even if you/DH had to buy more in to even up the piles), and then when they've finished their equal share it's all gone.

Yes, expecting a 5 yr old to give away their chocolates is wrong, but so is a 5 year old having so many more than his siblings. Bad (and hurtful) messages all round.

He was at his families gathering where multiple family members gave him sweets.

His half siblings where given a selection box each even though they did not attend.

Im sure if they had attended they would have also been given bags of sweets.

However this is a blended family and of course all the children will be treated different by their own extended families.

Cam29 · 05/12/2024 20:35

Why not just share? When you weigh it up what’s the worst thing that can happen if your son shares his chocolate (that he got a lot more of)… it’s not like it’s something sentimental. And your right your husband can go out and get more chocolate, so its really not a big deal if they share is it? unless there’s something deeper, it’s just not an issue imo

Allthehorsesintheworld · 05/12/2024 20:37

Your DH was taking the lazy way out. He should have got off his arse, gone to the nearest shop, or sent teens with a fiver each if feasible.

ToNiceWithSpice · 05/12/2024 20:37

The problem with sharing is in cases like this it's always the 5 year old who has to share

Their dad should have given them some money to go buy themselves more treats if he wants them to have some more

TheHateIsNotGood · 05/12/2024 20:38

It's just some sweets, chocs, etc - they're just a bunch of kids of different ages with variations on parentage that happen to be living the version of 'family' life they've been presented with, currently in the home you share with their dad and half-sibling. They just fancy some chocolate right now and the only thing similar in the house at the mo is your ds's treats/gifts.

Just let them have some (after ds has gone to bed) and replace it later. You could even insist that DH pays for the replacements. Really not a hill worth dying on right now.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/12/2024 20:38

We've always had a rule that you don't eat treats in front of people without offering them some.
However the issue here is your DH offering out DS's sweets. That's not OK, it's for DS to choose to share them or not. They are not DH's to offer!

AlertCat · 05/12/2024 20:42

Cam29 · 05/12/2024 20:35

Why not just share? When you weigh it up what’s the worst thing that can happen if your son shares his chocolate (that he got a lot more of)… it’s not like it’s something sentimental. And your right your husband can go out and get more chocolate, so its really not a big deal if they share is it? unless there’s something deeper, it’s just not an issue imo

It’s not sharing if the parent basically commandeers the child’s gifts and distributes them to other people without the gesture being instigated (or willingly agreed to) by the child whose gifts they are. Doing that won’t teach him anything about sharing, just that he has no security of possession and that his things can be taken away and given to other people.

Maybe the dad could have said “hey son, how about offering Big Sibs some of your Christmas chocolate” and the child could have said “oh yea great idea” or “no dad I don’t want to” and a conversation develops from there. But doing it unilaterally is not a positive way.

Westofeasttoday · 05/12/2024 20:42

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 19:42

I always asking my DD to share edible things with others. Other things no but sweets & choc, yes. Not shared equally but just giving others some.

Edited

Absolutely this. I’m not sure I would want my five year old to have loads of sweets and chocolate all to himself.

Yeah we share in our family.

Eenameenadeeka · 05/12/2024 20:43

Nope. If he brought them along and tried to have them part of your family and your family purposely left them out that would be different, but if they don't make the effort to come along even when they are with you, then it's reasonable that your DS got more, and his things shouldn't be given away without his permission. Plus they did have some which they already ate. If one of my children has treats that their siblings don't have (say from a friend's party) then I think it's kind of they offer one to their siblings (and they do without prompting) but I'd never say "oh you want a sweet? Go take one of your sisters" that's not really fair.

Vaxtable · 05/12/2024 20:44

YANBU. And maybe sit your husband down and tell him what people have said on here, that actually what your ads gets isn’t his but all of them, however you can bet if they get edible stuff from their side of the family they wouldn’t share it

your family got them a selection box, that’s their treat from your family, your ds seemed to get more, but the teens were not even there!

I would also be pointing out that his older children have their own family members who buy stuff for them and not the youngest this is no different. If he wants them to have extra he can go and buy it

wafflesmgee · 05/12/2024 20:44

I thinkYABU it'd good to teach your child to share and a 5 year old doesn't need loads of sweets anyway. Whether you make him or not, please ensure you are consistent with the step children when this scenario is reversed. If you never expect the older two to share with your son, then crack kn, but I assume you want everyone to share with each other...well...model this. That is siblinghood.

diddl · 05/12/2024 20:48

If this always happens why hadn't he got stuff for them in advance.

If Ds opens a packet of something & wants to share fair enough.

I don't think that the teens should just help themselves though.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/12/2024 20:49

Christ what has happened to mumsnet recently.

The kid has got a load of sweets. Step mum doesn't want the step kids to eat them so she's hidden them. What on earth. It's just bloody sweets, they are easily replaceable! Why can't he share them? Is he selfish and spoiled, because it sounds like it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2024 20:50

wafflesmgee · 05/12/2024 20:44

I thinkYABU it'd good to teach your child to share and a 5 year old doesn't need loads of sweets anyway. Whether you make him or not, please ensure you are consistent with the step children when this scenario is reversed. If you never expect the older two to share with your son, then crack kn, but I assume you want everyone to share with each other...well...model this. That is siblinghood.

Edited

IMO how you teach children to share is to share WITH them. We never forced DD to share but we modelled sharing and sometimes would ask but not expect or force.

I am terrible at sharing and even things like tapas because my dad and brother forced 'sharing' i.e. taking a share, and it affects me now, as an adult.

Teenagers taking a 5 yo's sweeties? Really, that's awful. Especially as it sounds like the 5 yo is fairly good at regulating. Great way to encourage him to learn to bolt sweets so there's none left.

TheHateIsNotGood · 05/12/2024 20:50

My angle would be to say to dsc that if they helped get ds to bed than the sooner they could have the sweets/chocs/teethrotters. Consider it an investment in terms of familial relations and potential babysitters of the future; a Pact.

I speak as the mother of the younger half-sibling, the mutual dad fucked off years ago, but all the siblings get on well as do both of us mothers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2024 20:51

Is he selfish and spoiled, because it sounds like it.

Are the teenagers for wanting to take a small child's sweets? Is the DH for wanting to take a small child's sweets rather than going to the shop?

IveGotToGoToMeDads · 05/12/2024 20:52

If it was the other way round & DH teens had a load of sweets & chocolate would he/you tell/expect them to share with 5 year old?
I would personally share with every one in house hold, i'm sure 5 year old would not mind sharing if asked.

Newusernameforthiss · 05/12/2024 20:53

There's two separate discussions going on.

Saying the teenagers should eat the little kid's chocolates without his permission: rude

Sitting there munching a big box of chocs in front of others and not sharing: ruder

Really not sure which it is!!

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 05/12/2024 20:55

Youre making your child think hes better than the rest. He needs to share.
Healthier and fairer.

tachetastic · 05/12/2024 20:57

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:31

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

I think it is one thing, and admirable, for your DC to offer his sweets for sharing, but quite another for your DH to unilaterally tell his own DCs that they can help themselves. That is appalling.

Legoninjago1 · 05/12/2024 20:57

Up to the 5 year old I would say.

JMSA · 05/12/2024 20:58

Jeez, would it really have hurt to give them something from his stash? Chances are, he may not even have noticed Hmm

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 20:58

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 05/12/2024 20:55

Youre making your child think hes better than the rest. He needs to share.
Healthier and fairer.

We don't actually know if he would want to share them though because nobody thought it was worth asking him because he's 5 and obviously that means he should just accept other take his stuff when they finish their own.

I'm sure had they asked he would have happily shared it but the idea that they can just help themselves to his stuff because he's younger and has more left over is just frankly ridiculous.

Tess150 · 05/12/2024 20:59

They've already eaten a selection box this week and now they want more chocolate? I think their father needs to look at how much crap they are eating and tell them to leave your ds's treats alone and have some fruit.