To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

[notunmewatch]

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

Exactly this

This. Children of all ages should feel respected, especially at home. Taking things from children that are special to them (or bullying them into “sharing” their things when they don’t want to do) doesn’t teach them to enjoy sharing, it teaches them to associate “sharing” with feelings of powerlessness and having their wants devalued. Most adults can understand the difference in how they’d feel donating 10 quid to people in need in response to a polite fundraiser request and someone taking 10 quid from your purse without asking or a charity worker following you through a parking lot telling you how selfish you are if you don’t give.

This goes both ways of course - I have a whole herd of children at home with a wide age range, including teen step kids. The teens’ rooms are off limits to younger siblings without permission (as are the treats, nail varnish, etc they spend their pocket money on or receive as gifts) and they’re expected to show the same respect to all the younger children. They all do a great job sharing, but they know the difference between sharing/being shared with and a lack of respect for others.

Well done! Excellent parenting. You’re showing your son that his things belong to him and others can’t just take them at will.

I think your DH is being really disrespectful to offer your son’s things around. No boundaries at all.

I’d also add (as I have already responded) that I had an aunt (who was also my godmother) who treated me like I was sub-human as a child. (Ie. Would throw the door open as I was using the toilet in her home and get whatever she needed while I was there, leaving the door wide open. One time she watched me and shouted at me for using too much toilet paper.) Children aren’t less human or less worthy of dignity and respect than adults just because they are smaller and have less power. To this day, I remember those incidents and I’m almost 50. I have nothing to do with the aunt now.

Do you have any suggestions for how to stop them taking or destroying my kids stuff?

I have a similar issue with my two. My teenager DS is 14 and will plough through any sweet treats rather quickly. My youngest DD is nine and doesn’t tend to eat hers as quickly. In the past, I’ve had to hide DD’s chocolates and sweets because her brother will steal them. He has got a lot better since but does tend to complain that his sister has more than him. I have to explain that they both get the same. It’s just that she doesn’t eat hers as quickly as he does.

I think it is up to your DS. I always say if they want to share fine. If they don't, that's ok too. But, if they don't share, then be prepared that others may not want to share when the roles are reversed. I also illustrate that even if they do share, it doesn't mean others are obligated to share in the future. If child is not there I def don't share on their behalf. Also sometimes I'll bargain and say I'll replace what is shared. It depends on the circumstances really

perhaps they don’t attend the party because they get a selection box whilst others sit round and ‘swap presents’.

Perhaps if they attended the party, and had attended over the years, they would get more than a selection box. And 'swap presents' implies a two way exchange. What do they give to the people who give them a selection box?

Perhaps if they attended the party, and had attended over the years, they would get more than a selection box. And 'swap presents' implies a two way exchange. What do they give to the people who give them a selection box?

Why try to pin the responsibility on a couple of teen age kids? They didn't ask for the 5 year old's candy, the father freely offered it up.

In the OP's own words her family have put no effort into the relationship and neither has the kids' father.

All of these kids find themselves in this situation thru no fault of their own while the parents point fingers at each other.

@Ginaknowsbest probably rethink the relationship if the man and his children didn’t fit well with mine to be honest.

@Pippa12 We unblended the families.

Spot on....I'm an only child and find sharing anything ridiculously hard. To the point where I tell people before the situation even arises I can't share. I'm 56 and really really really struggle with sharing.
So please do encourage your ds to share, given how unhealthy sweets are anyway it may be better if he does. HOWEVER do not force him, he if says no. It's no.
Btw my problem is that I don't want everything to myself, but that I might be seen to be taking too much and being seen as greedy.

How is it his fault - I certainly wouldn't be forcing my children to be around people who don't want to have an integrated relationship with my children. The first time he brought them around your family it was down to your family to make the effort not him or his children.
You sound like you resent your DSC!

Is there more to this? You do not seem very positive about your husband or his children. I find it a little odd that you have a five year old yet the older children don’t really know your family. It is nice that one family member recognised them and sent a gift.

Definitely not. I remember years ago having a huge argument with exdh because sil had eaten some of dd1's easter eggs! Dd1 was given a pack of 12 kinder eggs for Easter by mil. I said she had to wait for Easter day to start them. Easter morning went to give them to dd1 and noticed a couple missing! Sil confessed to eating them as it was too much for a little girl.