To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

[notunmewatch]

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

Why? Is one allowed to have anything for just themselves?

Sure if a child wants to offer their sweets round but to enforce a rule sounds very draconian

Being the youngest can have its own issues, such as older siblings thinking they have a right to your stuff

Yes exactly. For me the step element is a red herring. As the youngest of 6 (full) siblings, I had little agency. My second youngest sibling in particular ran roughshod over me and would eat my treats. My parents were very loving but they they had little idea. I would have been very upset at my siblings eating my chocolate without my permission.

I’d agree it’s unfair to take his sweets. I think it encourages kids to hoof them down as quick as they can because someone else will be along to nick them.

I’m sorry you had that experience as a step child. But there is zero information to support that being the case in OP’s family. OP’s mentioned no other gifts given to her child besides chocolate and her family actually made a point of having chocolate to send to her step children who weren’t even there.

Inventing reasons that the teens are actually being unfairly treated so OP needs to make it up to them seems unnecessary and unhelpful.

That was a shitty thing of him to say. I agree fully. He should have bought stuff in, not made your child out to be of lesser importance and they can simply take from him,

how horrible of him, whatever chip he has on his shoulder, he shouldn’t make your child the one who bears the brunt, I’d be furious.

So DH couldn't be arsed to get his older kids anything to snack on so your family has to?
Does he always rely on other people to look after his kids?

DH is being unreasonable here. Our DC will.often share and we encourage but don't force it. Older kids will sometimes ask for younger DC sweets and offer to replace them if they cba to walk to the shops, younger DC are savvy enough now to say yes in return for a little something extra...everyone is a winner 🤣

Lots of people here confused about what the word sharing means. If you're forcing your child to share then it's not sharing. If you are taking something from a child against their will then it's not sharing. If one side gobbles down all their own sweets, and then expects a share of someone's else's on top of that then it's not sharing. Sharing should be done with consent, it should be mutual and it doesn't involving stealing.

Sounds like too many sweets for a 5yr old in the first place. In my culture we share all food that is being eaten. Don’t take it out if you don’t want it eaten. really i don’t think a 5yr old should have so many sweets that “belong” to him exclusively. We always share in my household

@AGoingConcern it clearly states the family ‘exchanged gifts’- ONE family member sent the teenagers a selection box.

In my family sharing would be encouraged if one person had a lot of surplus, and let's face it, very unlikely your younger DS is unlikely to eat all that chocolate before your DH can get to the shops and replace it.

But forcing a child to share unfairly (he's not had an offer of the older boys to share theirs with him) is mean and bullying. Do the older children's mother's side of the family get your younger child gifts? I doubt it from the way you describe your family as not particularly blended. So why does your DH want to punish the younger child?

Your DH should get off his butt and go to the corner shop if he wants the teenagers to eat more chocolate, not steal it from his younger child. Setting a pretty poor example.

I’ve been the stepchild. I had younger half-siblings who were given gifts by my stepmother’s family. At no point did I ever think it would be ok to scarf down all my own chocolates and then expect a share of any my younger siblings had left.

In the OP’s case, it’s easy enough for the dad to go out and buy treats and snacks for the household to share. Just sounds like he can’t be bothered .

They are his siblings and he should learn to share. Why does a 5yr old need to keep a load of chocolate to themselves? He will probably have treats you've bought for Christmas over the holiday, yes? And while out and about? It's literally just chocolate and he should be taught to offer. I think it's quite spiteful to deny other children some chocolate, especially when they're the step-kids, away from home, and it's the holidays.

I thought this was the season of good will? Or have we forgotten that and it's not the season of spoiled and precious snowflakes?

Chocolate isn't coming to an end, it's not going extinct. It's cheap and easy enough to buy and replace.

He will probably have treats you've bought for Christmas over the holiday, yes? And while out and about? It's literally just chocolate and he should be taught to offer.

This all applies to the teens as well and they’ll have it at two homes. They don’t need to take sweets from a young child that were special gifts when there are plenty others in the world, including their own gifts from this party that they already ate. Are the teens spoiled and precious snowflakes if they don’t always bring home treats from their time at their mother’s home to share with their little sibling? And I’m sure the teens enthusiastically tell their 5 year old sibling to help himself to their possessions when they’re gone, right?

I know mumsnet despises second wives and their wretched, interloper children but teaching teens that young children shouldn’t be treated with basic respect is rubbish.

@MustWeDoThis why aren't the step kids spoiled and precious snowflakes? They're teenagers who are moaning there's nothing nice to snack on. Teenagers who could go to the shops. Teenagers , who had a selection box each but ate it all .

Why isn't the DH a spoiled and precious snowflake who could go to the shops himself, buy his kids more treats, even out the chocolate haul if really that bothered, give them some money etc. Basically doing something, anything . Not just saying "go and eat your brother's chocolate " without even asking.

bit of hurt that his children aren't massively integrated into my family or seen / thought of the same as DS. But that isn't DS's fault and to be honest with you, I feel like it's partly his. Admittedly my family don't make a huge effort and never have done with DHs older DC, but then neither has he to really involve them and bring them along to things like this

The crux of the problem is all here in the OP's second post. Her family has never made an effort when it comes to the husband's older children and likewise the OP feels like her husband could have tried harder himself.

These posts making the teens sound horrible are ridiculous. They are treated as outsiders and that must feel like crap. Neither is the 5 year old a brat for not offering up his Christmas treats. He's 5 for heaven's sake!

None of these kids asked to be in this situation but they'll bear the brunt of it while the adults point fingers at each other.

None of this is really about a pile of crappy candy.

I'm sure he wouldn't expect his kids to share sweets that has been given to them by his ex's side of the family!

Why does a 5yr old need to keep a load of chocolate to themselves?

Why can't two teenagers cope without taking chocolate from a 5yo is the question!

Indeed why can two teenagers not understand that they have eaten their Christmas chocolate and leave their younger siblings treats alone.

I think DS shd have given a couple of things to yr DH other children. And in turn they should thank him. Job done.

Why does a 5yr old need to keep a load of chocolate to themselves?

Why shouldn't he keep it to himself? It was given to him.

Would you say 'Why does a 15yo need to keep a lot of makeup and toiletries to herself?' if she was given a lot by family?

I think DS shd have given a couple of things to yr DH other children.

Why?

Do they share with him anything they are given by their family?

And he never had the opportunity to 'give' them anything - he wasn't asked.

Agree with your DH. In fact, I wouldn’t need to be asked, I would suggest my dc share their treats with their step siblings, especially as he got ‘plenty of treats’. I think that’s just normal and teaches the right thing.

It's really surprising how many people think it's totally normal for small kids to have no say in what happens to their presents. If he offers that's great but it's not good parenting to unilaterally decide to make someone's gifts available for everyone. All it's teaching your young children is that anything they get can just be taken by those bigger and older than them.

YANBU and I completely understand the dynamic with your SC and their dad. Can I suggest that to avoid conflict at this time of year you stock the house up with treats? Ideally, your DH should be doing this.