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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

190 replies

notunmewatch · 05/12/2024 19:31

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 21:39

toucheee · 05/12/2024 21:20

Have you tried telling a child ‘it’s not that deep’?

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🤣 bit theatrical! No wonder teachers are struggling!

Stormyweatheroutthere · 05/12/2024 21:40

My younger dc knew their older siblings got loads of frankly shite off their df.. Did lord it over them a bit but they got over it.. I never insisted they share it out... .. Hasn't affected their now adult sibling relationships... The younger dc got to do more day to day stuff with me and dh.. They accepted things were different..

toucheee · 05/12/2024 21:42

StarDolphins · 05/12/2024 21:35

If you’d taken time to read the whole thread, you’ve wouldn’t have needed to clarify what I’d already clarified!

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But yet kept posting ‘just share’.

Cam29 · 05/12/2024 21:45

AlertCat · 05/12/2024 21:36

But the kid is only five. I doubt he’s at the point of seeing beyond the joy of being the owner of a lovely pile of goodies from his lovely relatives. He hasn’t had that many birthdays and christmases to remember that feeling and get a sense of perspective about it just being chocolate.

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Yes I do agree with this actually. I suppose my initial thoughts were just do the right thing and I do think that is to share, same if it was the other way round. But hopefully he will have been consulted before sharing any in that case!

DarkDarkNight · 05/12/2024 21:45

I think it would be nice if your son had offered something to his step-siblings. Not give them free rein to grab something whenever they want, but ask if they want something? I can’t bear when people are greedy around food and hoard things, my son can be like that and I make a point of asking him to share.

BlueSilverCats · 05/12/2024 21:47

DarkDarkNight · 05/12/2024 21:45

I think it would be nice if your son had offered something to his step-siblings. Not give them free rein to grab something whenever they want, but ask if they want something? I can’t bear when people are greedy around food and hoard things, my son can be like that and I make a point of asking him to share.

There's nothing in OP's posts to suggest that is happening.

Loub1987 · 05/12/2024 21:49

Absolutely no! I’m a type 1 diabetic and would get a selection box or Easter egg when I was younger. Obviously, it would take me ages to get through them but my mother used to eat it and let my siblings do the same. I’m still annoyed about it!

AlertCat · 05/12/2024 21:50

Cam29 · 05/12/2024 21:45

Yes I do agree with this actually. I suppose my initial thoughts were just do the right thing and I do think that is to share, same if it was the other way round. But hopefully he will have been consulted before sharing any in that case!

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Yes, agree. The OP doesn’t make clear if the 5yo was even in the room but I got the impression that he wasn’t, so not able to share or hoard, just discounted.

My dd’s father does this with her stuff when she’s not at his house and his gf kids are visiting. She finds it very upsetting.

Pippa12 · 05/12/2024 21:50

As the ‘step child’ I always felt so… well… ‘step’ compared to my Dad and his wife’s full child (my half sister). It’s an awful feeling and likely why they make no effort to come and sit with your family. I still remember to this day a scenario your explaining- sitting there whilst they exchanged presents and I got sweet F A. They were all very nice to me, but I was an outsider.

Personally I’d of let them choose a couple of treats and replaced them. There just sweets, that’s all. Not toys or something expensive. No harm done and the teenagers wouldn’t feel outsiders, again. Your younger child didn’t even have to know.

ChaosHol1 · 05/12/2024 21:56

I don't think he's unreasonable, in our house my three kids and we always just share sweets and things. My ds is the youngest and was the only one to go out for Halloween and shared happily with his sisters.

Inertia · 05/12/2024 21:58

How many of your stepchildren’s presents from their mother’s side come to your house to be shared with your child?

If your DH feels that his older children miss out on presents from family none of them can be arsed to visit, it’s up to him to redress the balance. It’s not his place to give away your younger child’s presents.

When children are forced to give away their own sweets to siblings who have already troughed their own, it just encourages poor eating habits as they feel that they either need to hide food, or eat it before it’s taken off them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/12/2024 22:01

If they’ve eaten a selection box each than that’s enough chocolate for the week surely.

allthatfalafel · 05/12/2024 22:02

If DH was intending to just do the quickest easiest thing and replace the chocolate eaten, I don't see the problem as your son wasn't going to eat it all in one go anyway.

Also maybe you should have more snacks in the house to prevent these issues.

toucheee · 05/12/2024 22:03

allthatfalafel · 05/12/2024 22:02

If DH was intending to just do the quickest easiest thing and replace the chocolate eaten, I don't see the problem as your son wasn't going to eat it all in one go anyway.

Also maybe you should have more snacks in the house to prevent these issues.

Shouldn’t it be the children’s dad who has more snacks in the house to prevent these issues?

CulturalNomad · 05/12/2024 22:04

I still remember to this day a scenario your explaining- sitting there whilst they exchanged presents and I got sweet F A

I'm sorry; that sounds terrible and I have no idea why adults would allow this to happen. When you know you're going to have kids at your house when presents are being exchanged then you make damned sure that those kids have something to open. It's mean-spirited and rude to do otherwise.😡

allthatfalafel · 05/12/2024 22:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/12/2024 22:01

If they’ve eaten a selection box each than that’s enough chocolate for the week surely.

depends on the size, a lot of them are a few mini packs this year, absolutely tiny.

pizzaHeart · 05/12/2024 22:11

It sets a very bad example just to take something of someone, DH was welcome to share HIS sweets and treats but not DS’s .
Plus they’ve eaten theirs, I’m sure their mum’s family got them some as well they just didn’t brought them to share with DS.

MargaretThursday · 05/12/2024 22:18

And will he complain if next time your ds eats the lot on the way home and is sick?

After all the older ones ate all theirs and so didn't have to share.

Timetosortmyshitout · 05/12/2024 22:18

Even I don't eat my 6 yr old ds' 'stash' even when I could chew my own arm off wanting chocolate. He has no agency at that age over what he gets, when he eats it etc... whereas I decide what I have and when.

The SDC have already had selection boxes which was nice of your family to include them (considering they never actually go to visit them). They will just have to wait until tomorrow or when the shopping is done next.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/12/2024 22:20

God no. But also they’ve already eaten a selection box, how much bloody chocolate do they need. My kids would eat one item and save the rest. They are greedy.

Pippa12 · 05/12/2024 22:25

@CulturalNomad thank you. I still cannot believe my Dad allowed this to happen. It’s really tough being ‘the step kids’. I really had very little to do with his wife’s side of the family as soon as I was a teenager. It also created jealousy between me and my (half) sister as I felt she was ‘more’ loved and important.

I suppose that’s why I couldn’t get worked up over them having a ‘treat’.

BlueSilverCats · 05/12/2024 22:30

ChaosHol1 · 05/12/2024 21:56

I don't think he's unreasonable, in our house my three kids and we always just share sweets and things. My ds is the youngest and was the only one to go out for Halloween and shared happily with his sisters.

Did he choose /was asked to do so?

Or did you tell his siblings to just take whatever they want and help themselves, without him even knowing?

DaisyChain505 · 05/12/2024 22:31

Unless your step kids are bringing their treats from their mums side of the family over to share with your son then no your son shouldn’t be made to share.

They were given their selection boxes and ate them. That doesnt mean they get to dig in to other people’s gifts.

LatteLady · 05/12/2024 22:34

I was the youngest of four, and my mother made me share everything with my siblings, think a slice of birthday cake cut into four... I should at this point add that there were 9, 12 and 18 years between me and my siblings. And yes, I still begrudge it, many years later. I am not sure what it was supposed to teach me but I am not sure I actually learnt anything from it.

If you husband is acting this way, then I assume your son has carte blanch to take anything he needs or wants from them?

Katyfour · 05/12/2024 22:44

This.

OP you are acting like the chocolate is a bunch of gold bars or something. The 5yo has more chocolate than he can eat for now. Why not share it with the teenage stepkids? Does DS even need it replaced? December is a chocolate fest anyway.

This possessiveness over chocolate is something that I've only seen on MN. I have a DH and 2 teens. Nobody cares who eats what chocolate. DD fancied some chocolate today. I had some in my advent calendar so I gave it to her. DH didn't like the one that he had in his so I ate that. Really, why can't families share chocolate? It's not like your DS has been given a set of engraved keepsakes that your DH thinks ought to be shared.