To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

[notunmewatch]

Each year my side of the family has a get together in early Dec as we aren't always able to meet up closer to Christmas. Gifts are exchanged (typically not opened but just given and taken home), however the children usually get given some sweets/ chocolate to open there.

Our DS is 5 and the get together was last Sat. My husband shares two older teenagers with his ex who weren't there at the time so didn't come. They have never really been, not necessarily through lack of invite but more just because they don't know my family that well and as teenagers tend to have better things to do anyway. In previous years if they have been with us, DH has opted to stay home with them instead.

Onto the issue! Our DS naturally got quite a bit if choc / sweets from his various family. One of my family members also gave us a selection box each to take home for DHs teens.

Cue tonight when said teens were complaining there was nothing nice in to snack on and DH helpfully suggested they could help themselves to DS's sweets/chocs that he got for Christmas from my family.

I've said that's not fair, it's DS's. DH thinks it's unfair that DSC only got one box and DS has "loads" (his words).

Aibu to say DS shouldn't have to share his Christmas treats from his family? DSC I'm sure will get plenty from their side of the family at Christmas.

They also go through sweets and things at a much faster rate than DS, given the age difference, so I don't think it's fair that just because DS is slower at going through his treats, he should have to share them out with his older siblings.

I've told DH he should go to the shop if he wants to get something for DSC and I've put DS's things somewhere else so it's not raided.

Hmm my quote went awol

meant to be this one:

Pippa12 · Today 21:50

As the ‘step child’ I always felt so… well… ‘step’ compared to my Dad and his wife’s full child (my half sister). It’s an awful feeling and likely why they make no effort to come and sit with your family. I still remember to this day a scenario your explaining- sitting there whilst they exchanged presents and I got sweet F A. They were all very nice to me, but I was an outsider.
Personally I’d of let them choose a couple of treats and replaced them. There just sweets, that’s all. Not toys or something expensive. No harm done and the teenagers wouldn’t feel outsiders, again. Your younger child didn’t even have to know.

Yes, your father was in the wrong but his wife's family were either exceptionally thick or a bunch of cheapskates. It doesn't take a lot of emotional intelligence to realize that you would naturally feel a bit of an outsider and they could easily have been more inclusive and welcoming.

As you can tell I am incensed on your behalf😂! I've never understood adults who lack empathy or generosity when it comes to children. They don't ask to be placed in these awkward situations and the very least adults can offer is to make things easier for them.

They will just have to wait until tomorrow or when the shopping is done next.

OP first posted at 19.31. I'm sure at that time the two teenagers could have foud a corner shop or supermarket open if they'd been that desperate for some goodies.

A lot of people are missing the point; this isn't about whether DS should share his treats. It's about whether it's OK for his Dad and elder siblings to take them without even asking.

And personally I don't see why he should share. They were given to him by people who wanted him to have them and enjoy them. The older boys always have the option of going out and buying more for themselves. The 5yo doesn't.

In my family, I was the one who used to save up my share of whatever treat was going - only to find when I went to eat it, that someone else had had it. That's not 'sharing'.

I think people are conflating two different issues here. Yes, if you have a load of sweets and others don't, it's generally good manners to offer them a bit. But this doesn't sound like what happened- from your post, it sounded like your DS wasn't there at the time and your DH told his kids to just help themselves.

It could be replaced, and it's only chocolate, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to get the older children into the mindset that they can help themselves to their younger sibling's stuff. Just as it wouldn't be a good idea to give your younger child the idea that he could help himself to theirs, but he's smaller and has much less agency than everyone else in this scenario. The best thing to do would either be to go out and buy more chocolate for the older children, or DH asks the little one's permission (with no pressure for him to agree) with the promise of replacing it later- and actually replace it.

Yeah, this was me too. Or I'd save my share and when I came to eat it, others would have finished theirs and want a share of my share.

I would have said to him no they belong to Ds but why don't you go to the shop and get the teenagers something and can you also get me some matchmakers whilst you are there? It's not like there is a shortage of chocolate and it's not like it's all expensive. Unless he had literally no money (which could be the case) then he should just go and get some more.

I'm getting g Trunchbull vibes

Much too good for step children.

This isn’t about your daughter though. It’s a totally different scenario.

You are not unreasonable. When my partners kids stayed here half the time I would hide any treats that belonged to my kids. They couldn’t eat any in front of the other kids, but otherwise the lot would be gone. I had a huge lockable cupboard that anything my kids had they valued were put in when partners kids were here.

I had a huge lockable cupboard that anything my kids had they valued were put in when partners kids were here

Delightful. And who says blended families aren't a load of fun? 🤐

This possessiveness over chocolate is something that I've only seen on MN

Same here! I think people have gone "no contact" over not getting chocolate eggs😂

Maybe it's more of a big deal/tradition in some families? We don't give candy gifts to kids that much and my son couldn't have cared less about getting boxed chocolates. He would have tossed them on the table where they'd be considered communal treats.

That said, I don't think chocolate junk is the point of the thread. Everyone has the right to do what they want with their own Christmas gifts - including a 5 year old. Dad shouldn't be sharing on the boy's behalf. He could have handled that situation better.

I think your DH is showing he lacks respect for your DS's things. If the older DC have eaten their selection boxes already and your DS has only eaten a bit of his chocolate what remains is his. It's disrespectful to snatch his gifts away from him. Let DH pop over to a supermarket if he wants to give the older DC more chocolate. Why can't they use their pocket money to buy their own sweets and chocolate?

Some of the “oh poor neglected stepchildren” nonsense in this thread is ridiculous. These are teens who weren’t at the party, and have repeatedly opted out of the party to stay home and do nothing in the past. Yet OP’s extended family made sure to get selection boxes to send home for these teens who have no interest in joining their family celebrations - that was thoughtful. No one is denying the teens any gifts or sitting there stuffing their mouths in front of them saying “muahahaha none for stepchildren.” Would they have received more chocolate if they went? Probably. But they almost certainly do other fun things at their mum’s house and have treats that their younger sibling doesn’t know about. I’m a step child all grown up with step children of my own and part of having two homes and two families is you miss some things at each of them, but the two add up and balance things out.

It’s ok for teens to learn that party favors are usually attached to attending the party. It’s also important for teens to learn respect for others’ things (this seems to be being overlooked in the “but how will your 5 year old ever learn to share if you allow him to keep chocolate for his own?” clamoring here).

Taking sweets or other prized foods from a child if they don’t eat them fast enough encourages binging and communicates that the child can’t have things of their own that are safe. DH and the teens can find another treat.

@AGoingConcern perhaps they don’t attend the party because they get a selection box whilst others sit round and ‘swap presents’. This is exactly what happened to me as a ‘step’ child (although I got nothing but they were all perfectly lovely to me).

@Ginaknowsbest honestly that post made me feel abit sick. A huge lockable cupboard for possessions to be locked away when your step children come round- yep! That will cement stamp step on the forefront of their brain! Good god!

YANBU. He doesn’t have to dole out his Christmas presents to save your husband from making a trip to the shop.

It’s sad that the concept of sharing is dying out over the concept over ownership.

sharing is a fantastic lesson to teach a 5 year old. He doesn’t have to share it all, but a token few chocolates, why not? It’s a kind thing to do.

💯

If all the sweets are being eaten then it’s fair enough to lock them up.

Some people seem to think that everything is fair game for step-kids.

I’d say the dad is more Trunchbull - much too good for a 5yo and trying to steal them for his teens.

But some kids don’t respect others’ possessions. My dd was upset a lot when she was younger by her father letting his gf’s kids play with her stuff- often they would break things, lose things, or leave her bedroom in a real mess, and all when she wasn’t there to defend her space.

Just because kids’ parents are together doesn’t mean the kids have to get on nor that all toys/possessions are communal. Valuable items (to their owner) can absolutely be put out of reach of other people and especially if there is a lack of respect for boundaries. I doubt the lockable cupboard was a first response from that poster, I imagine it was installed after some incidents which suggested boundaries weren’t being respected.

@toucheee surely it’s preferable to discipline the step children and create boundaries in the home (like you obviously have with the other child) rather than lock stuff away!!!

No one asked him to share. That’s the problem.

Also why can the 5 year old not have a huge stash of sweeties they might last him ages nothing says he has to eat them all in a week.

We have only last month got rid of the last Easter egg from my youngest it went into baking her choice. My teens had scoffed all theirs in a week but youngest will take her time, sometimes she actually barters her sweeties with them. She will also however just give away any she doesn’t like so she’s not a meanie hoarding but she shares on her terms since they are hers.

Being the youngest can have its own issues, such as older siblings thinking they have a right to your stuff.

Yes but how can that be done with a dad who will take from one kid to give to another?

If dad is not on the same page then I think it’s fair enough for OP to act on her son’s behalf and put his chocolate away in his absence.

Ds is 5, it’s not up to your Dh to make him share stuff he was given by your family. You say your Dh chose to stay home with the older dc when you’d go round to your family, so no wonder they’re not fully integrated. YANBU.