Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

You don't like her and seem quite excited by the prospect of her and the team having an epic falling out.

HR person here.

Have you got individual rooms or has everyone bowed to her demands?

I’d be giving her the head’s up that she isn’t casting herself in a good light and if she can’t be grateful/a bit more flexible/less complainy and controlling she shouldn’t be surprised if she gets left on her own on the trip. It isn’t everyone else’s job to ensure she has a good time. if she’s really unhappy, maybe she should stay at home.

It sounds like she's more worried about spending the 3 days alone in a city she doesn't know.

Staying 20 mins from the centre would probably make this more daunting.

Are there plans for people to spend the time together or will everyone do their own thing with the people they're close to?

This isn’t a generous work gift - it’s costing each attendee circa £1k of their own money.

What’s it to you if she’s going home a day early? She’s perfectly correct in being worried about being left out when people have openly said they’ll outright refuse to share a cab or table with her. Maybe that has something to do with it.

And I agree with the PP, you seem to be frothing with delight at the thought of this colleague being ostracised on the trip and having a falling out with someone/everyone over this.

I'm struggling to think where would cost £330+ a day for food and drink 😮

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP and haven't got the impression you're frothing with delight over this 🧐

It sounds like she is being unreasonable as she has a choice whether to go there and if sharing rooms was non negotiable then she should have checked that would be possible before agreeing to it. You are all adults so I don't know why anyone has to take responsibility for her.

She sounds like a massive pain in the arse, but maybe it's worth putting on your managerial pants and approaching it with "Janice you seem really upset, is everything ok" might help you segue into saying something about other colleagues being concerned about her not enjoying the trip.
It sounds like she anticipated you would all be doing things together and now you're not she probably wouldn't have chosen to come. FWIW if it's a 5km parkrun I would have loved to do it in a different location.
I am wondering where you are that is so expensive- New York or Las Vegas maybe ?

If I had to guess I’d say Reykjavik!

But then I suppose if you go to any city for a sight seeing few days and are going to be eating out and drinking in nice places every day you could easily spend that.

New York?

This. Her controlling sounds like it's coming from a place of anxiety.

I feel bad for her. Sounds like she’s just trying to make her voice heard. Is she routinely ignored and treated like an annoyance poor thing?

She probably doesn’t know what to do with herself when everybody’s pairing or grouping off and she’s left out, which is what it sounds like from your post. 🥺I’d find a way to include her in some of the plans, I definitely wouldn’t make the situation worse by telling her to stop expressing herself.

edited for spelling, bloody iPad

@AConcernedCitizen so she's paid £500 herself to leave early?

don't say anything. It's her choice. She probably regrets signing up for the extra bit. Just keep quiet. Why do you want to say anything?

She doesn’t sound that way. You sound like somebody that takes a dislike though.

I don’t think so, she sounds like she’s trying to make a really obvious point because she didn’t get her way. I’ve been on group holidays with people like this too, and they get really passive aggressive when they don’t get their own way on everything. It’s tiring.

This. A gift that involves people spending their own money isn't really a gift. I would be complaining.

She sounds like hard work to be honest. Just tell her everyone is going to be doing their own thing and you suggest she does the same.

You got all of that from one post? Do you do mind reading in your spare time?

She sounds exactly like my mil who can be very difficult and demanding but it comes from a place of anxiety and lacking in confidence. She struggles with any technology so finding routes to anywhere is impossible, she struggles with decision making so always wants someone to help/talk through with. Booking a flight a day early is exactly the kind of thing she does and it's because she gets in an anxious frazzle over some imagined issue and in a panic throws money at the problem without thinking things through.

None of this means that her problems should be effecting everyone else. You need to make it clear to her and the rest of the team that she can make any decisions she wants but noone else has any obligations to do the same or support her and they should focus on enjoying their trip in whatever way they want.

To her you could say that she is free to do what she likes but she needs to stop making demands or putting pressure on everyone else.

Switzerland, you could easily spend that on one meal.

We have our own rooms. Taxis are around £20 each way, but that would be between 4 people.

My worry was that her financial situation had changed since she agreed to come, but with her now spending all that money on her own flight I guess that's not the case. What we're most puzzled about now is why she didn't book a flight home directly after the work bit!

I think she presumed it would be be a jolly with all of you together but instead your all off doing your own thing

It sounds like she's the one no one likes and that she's very much going to be on her own for the 3 days whereas , presumably, others have paired/grouped off to go to bars etc and she's not found her "people" to go with. Her answer to this is to panic and leave.

Whatever approach you take be gentle and try and be sympathetic to there being something like this being the cause even if it's not articulated.

Let her go, she's been a massive pain in the arse with her complaining.

I agree though that it's very poor of the company to gift three nights but not give a meal and entertainment allowance as well.

She knew beforehand what it would entail though so she shouldn't have accepted the company's offer.

HR person here too!

I can see why the company thought of it as very generous, but considering the financial outlay from each person it isn’t really that great a proposition.

As a senior member of staff, I would be approaching it from a wellbeing point of view and checking in regularly with her. It sounds to me like she agreed to go as she had some false interpretation that everyone would be spending time together and doing group activities, not that it’s like a team holidaying individually. I don’t think many people would really be up for doing that?
She sounds nervous of being on her own in a foreign country which for a young woman who lives at home could be daunting. I would regularly check in with her, make sure she’s okay. But also not bow to her demands if she makes them.

Are you recruiting ? 😂

She sounds like a pain in the ass… 🤷🏼‍♀️I don’t get the impression you are frothing with delight at all. Did she have to go on this three day trip? If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it- but she should just get a flight back. Dictating what everyone else does is unreasonable. 5K run indeed!

I’d say look the majority want to do X,Y, Z and why don’t you come along?