Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

Las Vegas?

Really? I don't read it like that at all.

I'm glad I don't have such opportunities, not that I can imagine my work colleagues behaving like that.

Hope it does not turn out to be as bad as it sounds.

Oh wow! That's not the case at all. We're a small team and travel together constantly... everybody usually gets along as a group, and there are numerous sub groups who will happily go off together on nights out/meals etc

The idea of an epic falling out - with her or anyone - is my worst nightmare, mainly because I'll be the one keeping the peace 😭

I don’t know. I’ve been in situations where is clear the group are gonna separate off and I’m not wanted and I feel so bad for her.

Plus, it does sound super expensive

I agree with PP that she is probably anxious about spending time alone and navigating her way to the accommodation and back by herself.
As you are all paying your own way on a trip you have saved for and looked forward to for a long time I don't blame you for wanting to do your own thing and not wanting to be responsible for her though.
It sounds like initially she had FOMO and hoped you would all be persuaded to go along with her ideas, but as you aren't, she has decided to go home early at her own expense.

So she spent £500 on a flight to go home earlier rather then £20 can fare

£1000 for 3 days food pleasure sounds a lot if not paying for flights /accomdation

Complaining to who, about what? The company offered to pay for expensive flights, hotels and give everyone a week off work...nobody had to go, it was completely optional and we had half a year to prepare/save.

They're paying for a 'christmas' meal while we're there as well...all in all I'd say they're spending 2k PP. I'm very grateful.

She may have just changed her mind? Come to the conclusion that if the others didn’t want to do the things she wanted and she’d get left out, she’d rather take the hit and leave early. Is it that big a deal? She may regret not choosing to leave straightaway. What would be so bad if you just left it? Don’t make a drama out of it.

She could have offered to add it to a hotel room closer to the city centre too, if it wasn’t about having her own way.

One assumes you could just stay at hotel and pick up some cheap food at local supermarket if you wished?

So spend £100 rather than £500 for an earlier flight home if you are broke?

She ha being very weird!

I think that she’s anxious as well.

As her manager I would do a broad wellbeing check and see if she raises it. And if not say something like “I noticed that you’re leaving early next week. That’s no problem at all, but I just wanted to check you’re ok”.

If she does say that it’s anxiety I’d try and help her plan for “what ifs”. Make sure she’s got a city map, a couple of things that she would enjoy doing alone planned out and knows a way to get to/from the city.

Id also explain that she’s not able to dictate what everyone else does.

Hope this doesn’t spoil it, sounds like a really good perk!

I would just ignore it, don’t talk about her, don’t criticise her, let her do what she wants.
she is obviously struggling with anxiety/some issue but don’t let it spill over and ruin your trip. (Unless you are her manager)

Why don’t you just stay out of it! Best way

Sounds really thoughtful of your employer.

The comments saying they should give more are mad - there's always people that, no matter how much they're given, always need to bleed the situation for everything they can get.

Is that £1000 for 3 days - each? Or split?

She has said on previous trips that she's not keen on being alone, but she also talks about going here, there and everywhere quite a lot, and seems to have an active social life. It did feel like her side of things was mostly based around money, which is why we're confused that she's now bought a flight.

A few people have said they want to go to shop/bar/restaurant/attraction X, Y & Z, and a few people have said they just want to wander and explore. I don't think anybody has firm plans though!

We're all quite close to be honest and I can't see a situation in which she would be 'ditched' for want of a better word. But if she only wants to do things that nobody else does, her options will be to do them alone by choice or tag along with others.

I wonder how much pressure was put on her directly or indirectly to go on this break and how this was "sold" to her.

I am also wondering what would be said if she went home straight away instead of staying.
TBH It doesn't sound like you are the most welcoming group of people as I notice that you have used colleagues instead of friends which stands out more as your "team" seems to be locking her out.

She is clearly stressed and is spending a lot of money to get home early.

In your conversation I would be very supportive of her and her situation.

I would then encourage others to enjoy the trip as intended.

This whole thing will be over in a few days but you need to work together in future.

Stop fixating on the cost of her flight home. Maybe she’s borrowed that money, maybe it’s what she thinks she would spend in the time she’d stay - it’s clouding your judgement.

She said it was to save money, but that's as far as the conversation went.

I'm only contemplating saying something as a number of younger colleagues have asked me to, and I'd much rather do it ASAP than there be trouble in paradise!

That was my first guess, but I still think that's insane.

I've done some looking (mostly as I found bargain flights there last night and want to know if it's viable 😂)

The number 1 rated restaurant in Reykjavik in TripAdvisor, their 3 course set menu with 'selected wines' - their most expensive option, comes out at £102.

A bog standard KFC meal comes out at £16.

Then again, it's not a city known for its entertainment. So maybe Vegas? If so, it can surely be as cheap or expensive as you make it. For every expensive restaurant there'll be a cheap burger joint, and gambling is optional...

I guess I'm just intrigued. I'm a relative cheapskate - I don't drink and whilst I wouldn't be choosing KFC, a fairly average restaurant is fine for me. I've done New York, Tokyo, Orlando/theme parks and none have ever come close to this even including hotel costs for the night. So I'm nosy now.

We all just want to know where you’re going now @AConcernedCitizen

Monaco maybe? Dubai?

Not the point, but I don’t see this as a generous work gift at all. It involves spending loads of your own money AND having to socialise with colleagues. Bit different to an all expenses paid work trip where st least the boundaries are clear.
Was there a cash equivalent alternative offer for those who didn’t wish to go?

Who knows what her motivations are, but it's very easy for a whole team to get whipped up into a frenzy over nothing. What she does and how she spends her time is on her. If others have issue they either need to give direct feedback or speak to her direct manager (which from the wording isn't you?) You will do yourself no favours wading in to speak on behalf of others who, if they are already feeling guilt tripped by her, could just deny complaining leaving you looking like the ah. Stay out of it is my advice, you do you and let her do her