Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

How come she's having to pay the £500 return flight home if it was initially a work trip that took you all there?

What is the motivation for the younger colleagues coming to you?

I’m guessing Vegas.

Sounds like a great company OP no wonder you are excited.

if you aren’t this persons manager I would resist the temptation to get involved. Just enjoy it and let her sort herself out.

Why does it matter to anyone if she goes home a day early?

I agree that unless you're her line manager I wouldn't talk to her on behalf of others. People who have issues can speak up for themselves.

Google the karpman drama triangle...

But vegas has supermarkets where you could just buy a sandwich and eat in your room and enjoy the pool for free?

I can't think of many places where is £1k to just survive a few days. Sure you can spend that if you want but eise you can do things cheaper (breakfast in room etc)

Or…you could just not extend the work trip 🤷‍♀️

It feels like a bit of a strange works trip if you are all off doing your own thing.

She was expecting you to be doing things as a group and you’ve all basically said that you don’t want to spend time with her. I can see why she is annoyed.

Wow, I do not have words!
Remind her that the 3 days ARE optional.
That any team member that has decided to stay is there on their free personal time! That her complaining about prices, accomodation, taxis.... is grinding on others and could she please respect their right to a peaceful free time? Choose what she personally wants to do; there is no need for any team activities, at all.
I do not think this will go down smoothly, anyway. But, if you are not her manager, I would not say a thing. Let her manager do it. If you are her manager, I would not even bother to sugarcoat a single bit. She knows what she is doing.

Absolutely no pressure whatsoever, and no sales pitch. We were told as a surprise one morning, received an email the next day with a breakdown of what the company would pay for and what we'd be expected to fund, and given two months to confirm before flights were booked.

A number of people (older team members, myself included) were originally not going to go for various reasons (money, childcare etc) but changed our minds. She had said yes from the start. As I said in my OP, she has no children, lives at home, is well paid and single, so on paper nothing stopping her.

I'm honestly not sure how you've concluded that we're not a welcoming group, it's quite the opposite! We travel constantly, live in each other's pockets and work in an extremely high-pressure industry. Team fit is everything to us and a key factor in getting hired and passing probation. If we had even one person who didn't get along, what we do simply wouldn't work.

I use the term colleagues because that's what we are...some of us are friends too, but all but two of us met via working here. We're a varied bunch, men and women aged early 20s to mid 50s. Some have worked here less than a year, some over a decade. Some people are closer than others but there's certainly no 'locking out'.

You sound a little like you are this tight knit team and you have left her on the outskirts.

it is possible that she didn’t realise how much it was going to cost and is now coming to the realisation that she can’t afford it.

what is the public transport like? Is there a way you can travel without using taxis?

Seems to me she’s anxious about being left alone in a place she’s never been to, a place that most of you already have.

You’ve all refused to consider any group activities, and given you’ve stated she’s not a big drinker/eater it’s unsurprising that she doesn’t particularly want to spend her days traipsing around restaurants and bars.

You’ve sneered at her “ridiculous” suggestions for activities, and the one example you’ve given isn’t actually that ridiculous at all.

Your implication is that because she is childless and lives at home she should have unlimited funds - finances shouldn’t be a consideration for her.

The “bombshell” that she’s going home a day early - well, it’s blatantly obvious none of you want to spend time with her whilst there. No wonder she’s leaving early.

You’ve stated that colleagues are saying they will ostracise her by refusing to share cabs and tables with her. Nasty.

Your idea of potentially dealing with this, in a professional capacity as a senior member of staff, is telling her to “give it a rest”.

On the face of it, it sounds like quite a cliquey unpleasant group of colleagues. She’s probably deeply regretting not getting a flight straight home once her work commitments were finished.

To be honest you sound very dismissive of her. Even the post above the way you describe her life and the team makes it sound like you don't see why she could possibly have any issues with the trip or feel excluded.

Obviously something is going on and despite being so close knit and living in each other's pockets you don't know fully what her reasoning is but that doesn't make what she's doing in any way unreasonable.

But they are doing that.
Once the work trip is done, y
They have been GIFTED another 3 days of stay (non work related) if they WANTED to stay. So hotel room and return tickets are booked till and for 3 days after the work trip ends, for those who accepted the trip. That is huge! I would love something like that.

She seems to want to sponge from others. That is the problem....

She is being unreasonable.
Ignore her.
and
have fun.

AConcernedCitizen

You may want to rethink how close knit you are.
You have a team that is refusing to spend time with her, to the extent of refusing to share cabs and tables with her.
You seem to think that she should have lots of money due to living at home.
You have said that some colleagues are closer than others,
You have sneered at her suggestions of doing things as a team.
You say that she was in from the start but how do you really know as you don't seem to know this person at all.

Is there no public transport? Why are taxis the only option?

Also just wondering where this is!

She is weird to spend that much to leave only 24 hours earlier

Have I got it right that it’s £20 per person for a shared taxi, but would be £80 for your colleague by herself?

It would be a lot easier if we have at least a general idea of where this was.

Have you actually read the OP properly?

Why on earth would you travel to a country that's an amazing tourist place then go for a 5K run instead of site seeing?! That really is ridiculous!

And it's not a work activity thing - it's an optional extra few days that they could either take or leave. They're not isolating her at all, no one has refused to share a taxi with her (where on earth did you get that from?!?) - this person is just refusing to pay for activities/taxis and making everyone else feel bad. She is ostracising herself.

The fact that she has paid for a £500 flight to go home one day early just proves that.

@AConcernedCitizen Is it possible for the management to cancel her room and re-book her on the original flight if she wanted that as an option? I would take her to one side and say that you're worried that she is unhappy about the trip, and her negativity about it is starting to impact others, so would she like to cancel and go home after the work commitment.

I read it as £20 between four people.

Me too. I'm thinking the same thing.

TwinklyAmberOrca

They're not isolating her at all, no one has refused to share a taxi with her (where on earth did you get that from?!?)

The OP has said so