“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

Personally, I don't understand it.

When I had my first, I didn't really have a preference and my son was, and still is, absolutely perfect (he's 26 now).

When I had second, I assumed it would be another boy becaise no girls had been born into my husbakds family for over a hundred years. I briefly though it was a shame I probably wouldn't have one of each but them she was a girl anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I certainly wouldn't have carried on having babies until I got my preferred sex. Their personality, character and your relationship with them is far more important than their sex.

I wouldn't have wanted to be the third or fourth child my parents had because they were holding out for a boy, though.

It is one of those things MN don’t understand, will apparently never understand and don’t actually want to understand! I mean, I don’t understand why people sit on muddy banks with a wooden rod in a pond or river as a hobby but they do and I don’t have to understand that.

I really wanted a girl both times, it doesn’t make me the spawn of Satan, I promise.

Wanting a boy or girl isn't the issue. We all have preferences.
It's saying it on front of the kids so that they feel less important than their new sibling

I'm lucky and have one of each but the teenage years hit differently with a girl! I wouldn't have kept on trying for either sex though, you get what you are given and I'm grateful for that.

Thank you for this sensible post so early on.

Yes some people have a preference as to what sex of child they have. No it isn’t always to do with stupid gender stereotypes.

Obviously talking about it in front of the children and treating the children differently as the OP says is wrong. But desperately wanting a child of a particular sex is not wrong.

In our family there are 5 boys and one girl (my unborn child is a boy) so I totally get gender disappointment. Luckily my 2nd was a girl, by then we had my son and 2 stepsons. We had a 3rd child together after my daughter so this last baby my daughter especially wanted a sister but it's yet another boy

I had a colleague who had four boys and talked a lot about how she had kept trying because she desperately wanted a daughter. But she also kept going on about the expense of four kids and how they didn't have enough bedrooms, couldn't go on holiday etc. I do understand having a preference but not to the extent you financially cripple yourself or compromise your existing children's quality of life.

I have two beautiful ds, each time if I had the choice I would have chosen a girl (however after they were born I wouldn’t have chosen to change them at all)
I want a third dc, I’m not having a 3rd to have a girl. I just want another child whether they’re a boy or girl. If I got to choose however I would say girl. However, I of course would be equally as happy to have a boy! Having a preference isn’t a problem or mean I want them/love them any less.

I get having a preference, but it does seem a bit crazy to me to have more children than you'd ideally like, in the hope of having a particular sex! Kids are hard work. I have two boys and people have sometimes asked me, if would we'd have another if we could guarantee a girl. My answer is no - two kids are enough for me!

Also, I'm sure I've read that once you've had two of the same sex, your chance of the third being the same sex is over 50%.

A horribly judgey post.

I never experienced this disappointment, but people are allowed to feel this. I’m sure it doesn’t mean they love their baby any less.

People should be grateful for having a healthy baby.

Statements like this are always a point of interest to me as I don’t see them with any other sort of sometimes irrational thought / behaviour.

People should be grateful to have food, so why do some have eating disorders?

People should be grateful to have a job so why do some complain about theirs?

We don’t have to use our imagination much to recognise not every baby is planned, wanted or a blessing and sometimes even when they are the feelings in pregnancy and post partum can be complex. This idea of ‘gratitude’ rarely works. It’s generally a mishmash of feelings, often linked to some form of loss. Unpicking it can help, but people can’t because it is so very very taboo.

@muddlesandpuddles i don’t think you are the spawn of satan! It does interest me though, where did the idea of wanting two girls come from? Did you daydream about them from a young age / have pictures of what you wanted family life to be like?

I get having a (slight) preference but you should never shout if from the rooftops let alone talk about it in front of your children. You should only have another child if you want another child, not a particular gender.

I'm pregnant. I have a slight preference but I've only told DH! I don't want people to think I'd be disappointed with the other gender as I wouldn't.

I understand wanting a child of a particular sex. I do not understand trying time and again. I know of a family with 6 boys and 1 girl (the youngest). They barely survive, they live in cramped conditions and have the barest of necessities because they couldn't face not having a girl. And it's always a girl that's craved, I don't know anyone who has continued to have children to have a boy.

I have 2 boys and have had several miscarriages, so I'm afraid I subscribe to the "a healthy wanted baby is better than no baby at all" mantra 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly think people are disappointed in not having one of either sex because of other peoples stupid comments.
I had 3 sons prior to my daughter and experienced so much negativity towards my 3rd son in particular. Ironic really because I absolutely adored my time with him as a baby more than I have my others. He was just a wonderful baby. (Pita now 😂)

People don’t realise how much telling someone they’re disappointed can lead to disappointment.

MN is a great example, we get posters saying regularly family or friends keep asking if they’re upset they’ve not had a boy or girl.

Id have been happy with any children but I admit I was upset to hear from older mums regularly comments like “a son is a son until he gets a wife”. I think telling mums their sons would drop them like a hot potato without a seconds thought is unnecessary and cruel.

I am not saying people cant feel like this (I think it should be an inside thought); however saying it in front of the kids and treating someone different based on sex I will never understand. (See SIL situation)

Strangers constantly asking my dad if he wanted a boy in front me as a girl was horrible and has affected me. I honestly believed I was less worthy as a female due to the number of strangers that use to ask him.

@Microvavie it wasn’t so much that I wanted two girls, it was more that I really, really wanted a girl. I was actually 40 when I had my first child and so it was a bit touch and go whether we’d have a second at all and even then there was no way of knowing if it was a girl or not.

When I was pregnant with DS I was pretty sure he was a boy from the start, I am unsure how I knew this but I did, and DH wanted to find out so we did. Because I was already convinced it was a boy there wasn’t any real sense of disappointment or anything like that. I probably felt a bit wistful looking at pink baby grows and vests but that was it.

However, I did feel this need, this desire to have a daughter and I think if I hadn’t had this we probably would have stayed at one. Like most things of this nature it wasn’t a clear cut sort of thing, there were a myriad of factors coming into it. I got pregnant again when DS was two and this time didn’t find out the sex. As with DS though, I had a strong feeling from the start she was a girl but this time kept correcting myself as I would think of ‘she/her’ and then have to remind myself / check myself ‘might be a boy!’ I was worried all the way through pregnancy that I’d feel immense disappointment if she was a boy. I have no way of knowing if I would or not; I hope not. I do know when I had her and was told she was a girl it was a moment of absolute euphoria. I was just lying there laughing and smiling and crying all at once. And did I have that with DS - no. But it isn’t like for like; I had a horrible birth with him, it was during COVID (say no more!) and it was generally exhaustion and sickness that hit me after birth, not joy and laughter.

I do think a desire for girls - and it almost always is girls - is quite common and there are societal reasons for this and also individual. I’m quite ‘girly’ in some ways, not at all in others. I don’t take any particular pride in either traits, they are just me, what I like, what I don’t like I suppose.

Challenging the love a mother has for a child is always going to bring defensiveness and arguments with it but I am unsure if I loved DS at first or for a long time. I don’t think that was because he was a boy but I do think I’d have found the bonding process easier with a girl, that is pure speculation though.

This is one of those things it’s fine to think and feel it, maybe admit to closest friends, but never ever say in front of the children.

Boys and girls and men and women have different experiences as they grow up and go through life and are subject to different expectations. Maybe in an ideal world that wouldn't be so but back in the real world it just is. It's not difficult to see how that might feed into gender preferences.

For example, maybe some women would prefer to have boys to avoid daughters being subjected to the casual misogyny and inequalities that still shame our society. Maybe some parents would prefer to have girls because they think they'll be around more as adults and when the parents are elderly. You might think these viewpoints are invalid, but they're backed up by solid statistical evidence as to societal inequalities between men and women, one example being the expectation to provide unpaid care and labour.

Was ever thus unfortunately! V dumb.

I have 2 boys then a girl and I hate people might think we did that 😅 poor DS2!

I've experienced the same kind of comments and was surprised by how many friends I had to drop after they made that kind of comment in front of our kids. I have boys and no one is making them feel unwanted.

People are allowed to have a preference, it’s not rocket science. I imagine that some people believe they’re ‘missing out’ on the opposite sex when they have multiple children of the same sex.

If I had two girls, I’d probably have that feeling of ‘wanting’ a boy. If I had two boys, it’d be the same thing. I don’t really understand the confusion as it seems quite logical to me

A woman I met recently had two boys and said in front of them that she was on the fence about having a third baby because she would only want a girl not another boy. I felt awful for the poor little boys hearing that. I know you can't always control gender disappointment but there's no excuse for making children feel unloved because their the 'wrong' sex.

I never thought children were something to be "grateful" for, though.
Plenty of other things imo.