“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

threads like this make me wish that mumsnet had an eye roll as well as a thanks button.

I honestly don't understand it. I knew one family who had six kids simply as the dad wanted to keep going until he had a son. Pregnancy was really hard on the woman and her doctors told her no more after her third but she kept going. She nearly died giving birth to baby no6 but he got his precious son.

What's odd now is he does not even get ion with his son. He wanted a son who loved football and "manly pursuits" and he has a very gentle son who hates sports and likes playing piano and guitar. The son is 19 now and honestly they don't have a thing in common

I conceived first time with my son, and it only took a couple of attempts with my daughter. So am I permitted to ‘not’ be grateful, since conceiving a child was not something I struggled with?

See how easy it is to twist what someone is saying?

The problem is that people are trying to make it simple: it isn’t. I consider myself intelligent, articulate and level headed and I can’t express myself why I wanted a girl so much; I just did. I suspect at least in part it was down to the loss of my own mum as a teenager, my own catastrophic launch into early adulthood, but really who knows. This is probably the sort of thing is would be good to discuss objectively with someone like a counsellor but money is obviously an issue and people do find it so hard to be honest because we feel the need to add so many caveats and disclaimers that what we’re actually saying becomes meaningless - Of course I wouldn’t swap my son! Of course I’m not saying I don’t love my son. I don’t mean I didn’t want my second boy just that … I mean I was grateful, don’t get me wrong …

It is hard to get through all of that and it is a shame as we mostly recognise feelings aren’t rational, but with this people tend to take what you say as absolute truth and reflection on you and on your love for your child, even if that child is only a hypothetical one. The guilt I’ve felt at worrying I wouldn’t have loved a second boy who doesn’t even exist is bonkers!

I wonder if many of these people having child after child to get their desired gender realise how low their odds might be of having a girl / boy and therefore how risky this plan is.

I always thought having a boy / girl was a 50/50 chance for each conception but then I met someone doing a PHD on this. He explained that although it works out as a roughly 50/50 male / female split across the entire population, each individual man's chance of having a boy or girl is not 50/50. Some men are actually predisposed to have up to an 80% bias towards a particular sex of offspring.

So if that lady who already has 4 boys and is pregnant with the 5th has had them all by the same man, her chances of a girl might not be great...

It's hard not to think about as we assert gender stereotypes on them the moment they're born. Boys get 'oh he'll be a little charmer, the ladies will be all over him' whilst girls get 'how pretty and dainty, she'll grow up beautiful'. Girls are valued for their looks from the off. The way we interact is different with boys and girls. The clothes are different. Girls clothes are full of mice, bunnies etc (prey animals!) whilst boys have bears, dinosaurs etc. Then ofc as they get bigger, people expect girls to play quietly with dolls, whereas boys are expected to enjoy rough and tumble and get into more mischief. The sub conscious messaging is literally everywhere.

Men can't possibly ever understand sisterhood and the connection between women. Due to patriarchy, women share solidarity and connection in a way I personally don't think men ever can. Through those lens, it makes perfect sense why women often want daughters.

Sorry you grew up hearing that kind of thing. It must have an affect. Boys and girls are both equally as special and lovely, but imo it's not accurate to think men and women have no differences 🤷

This is it for me too, I think.

I've been through that process of growing from a girl into a woman, that sort of journey of self discovery, and as my children grow up my daughter will have experiences which are familiar to me and alien to my husband, just as my son will have experiences which are familiar to my husband and alien to me.

It's not about preferring one child over the other. (To be honest, my son is a much easier child to parent right now because he's going through an absolutely delightful phase at the moment whereas my daughter is right in the thick of the terrible twos.) I am just glad that I get to experience both and I hope that my daughter and I will have the kind of connection you mention, through shared experiences of being female. My son and I will connect in other ways.

I do understand it, there’s a tug when you see lovely girls clothes in the shops. I have a niece and lots of friends with girls and it’s like they have a little mini-me, so cute. Also, I don’t think it will upset the children hearing Mum wanted a girl- I know my Mum always wanted a boy and never felt less loved for it!

I am lucky because I have two healthy boys. I wasn’t unlucky because I didn’t have one of each.

I find it odd to have a preference over something you can't control. If it's to the extent they're going to be disappointed and treat them differently if the baby isn't what they wanted then it's probably best they don't have a baby. And it should never be said within earshot of their other children, how bizarre to not care if they hear that. Be prepared to have either and be happy. This is why I think gender reveals are silly as it's putting an emphasis on the baby's gender which I think can add to the overwhelm when parents learn it's the opposite to their preference. I worry about things for my daughter's future that won't be an issue for my sons. Someone commented that I could stop having babies now that I had a girl. I don't know why people think having babies is like picking out a Barbie doll. It's a strange mindset to have regarding someone's life.

It's not actually a 1 in 2 chance though.

I was shocked when I looked into this. Assuming you're having the children by the same man, if you keep having lots of boys or lots of girls that suggests he's very genetically predisposed to have offspring of one particular sex. Apparently no man is actually 50/50 in regards to whether it will be a girl or a boy.

So the odds are really not in your favour in these situations.

I think preference becomes an issue because it always seems to be about people wanting girls. So people are trying for a baby they are really trying for a girl and it's unfortunate and unlucky to have a boy. Pretty crap for boys, and their parents who are made to feel like they've not tried hard enough or something, and ended up with a consolation prize.

It's really easy to say I wouldn't have had more when you have a boy and a girl though!

Yes and you see, I actually don't think this is the perfect set up at all. All of these opinions are personal of course and I've enjoyed reading different views. For me having a same sex sibling is much more ideal than one of each. As a girl with sisters, I can't imagine not having a sister and that lifetime bond and friendship (hopefully). I have a brother too, lucky for me, who I am v close to but it's not the same.
I had disappointment that lasted a day as I'd love to have been the mother of a daughter, I think I'd have been a good one. My disappointment was for that relationship which I wouldn't have rather than disappointment about the beautiful son I was carrying. I am glad tho that they have that same sex sibling as I feel their lifelong closeness will be more likely and meaningful. Who knows. As it happens ds2 was an incredibly easy, calm, kind baby from the off so he was adored from the start and the sex he was didn't mean a thing. In the end you hopefully fall in love with and get to know the child, rather than the boy or the girl.

A lot of people assume I a m doing that, it drives me mad. I have 5 boys. I had them because I wanted to have children, I have not spent the last 20 years desperately hoping for a girl.

In fact my point is proven many times on this thread by people saying they are lucky to have one of each. So if you have only boys that's bad luck, as boys are not as wanted or highly prized/valued.

My DH had two boys when I met him and then we had another. It was no secret he wanted a girl (which we did have). I don't think the boys thought anything of it - it wasn't a reflection on them. They were quite chuffed to have a sister rather than another brother.

@Ladamesansmerci you've put everything so eloquently!

Men can't possibly ever understand sisterhood and the connection between women. Due to patriarchy, women share solidarity and connection in a way I personally don't think men ever can. Through those lens, it makes perfect sense why women often want daughters.

I really identify with this!

It feels like an uphill battle to be raising a boy to be a feminist in today's world and a bit depressing to think of giving so much to someone else for them to join the ranks of your oppressors. All these men posting sexist diatribe on the internet whilst their mam's cook their tea!

Read up on various studies regarding sex balance in various societies (usually not enough males due to war and too many girls from the phenomena described below).

Nowadays we may have too many boys because many families keep having boys in the attempt to have a girl, while most families will be satisfied with, say, just two girls and no need for a boy.

I have two boys, I'd hoped for a girl each time (but would never admit this to them), however now they are here of course they are perfect to me. My only fear is that as they get older, I won't have the same connection with them as I would a daughter. Most adult men I know are more distant from their parents than women. My husband/brother ect just aren't bothered about frequent connection with their family, whereas my mum and I message each other every day.

On another note, my toddler boy has longish hair and if often mistaken for a girl. It is interesting the comments thet get made to him along the lines of 'oh what a good little girl, sitting so still'. Once when I told someone that he is a boy I got told 'he's too pretty to be a boy!'

The point is whether you would have carried on having babies if both yours had been boys?
I don't understand fishing either. I'd much rather watch the fish.

Think you've hit the nail on the head with your post. I can already see the gender difference in terms of how they will be treated show up, comments about my daughter being a 'good girl' as she is generally good at self play and being calm etc and others around my son and how he's a bruiser. It's weird having one of each has given me an additional lens to view things from, and I feel even more convicted to raise a strong capable girl who knows her worth and can assert herself and a son who is emotionally intelligent and wants to leave the world a better place.

I do think men don't have community in the same way women do 100%, we rely on our community to raise children, build connection and keep us rooted and stable whereas with men there generally is an element of competition in relationships or more superficial connection.

I think ultimately I wanted a girl as I love being a woman.

If I honestly reflect, there was influence from a negative now ex H that skewed my preference.
Pregnancy 1, I initially wanted a girl as thought I'd understand a girl more, but so did exH so I actively reminded myself of my friend's cute and fun boys to try to change my way of thinking as I already loved my baby and so thought of it as a boy. Through a scan she was clearly a girl and I felt relief (and a bit of 'where's my boy?') rather than excitement as my exH was very, "I told you so".
Pregnancy 3, exH wanted another girl, scan showed a boy, exH wasn't happy. I was disappointed only because of the person I was with. He was a rainbow baby and very much loved.
I love having two and when people say you're lucky to have a girl and boy I think, no I'm lucky to have children! (And a better life without exH).

I’ve no idea re odds but I do know DH is one of three boys, who each have two boys and our first baby was a boy. Logically with those odds I should have concluded our second was a boy but it wasn’t.

People do the lottery with completely remote chances, after all!

As to would I keep on having babies to get a girl - no. Because I am pragmatic and sensible and because money is a consideration and my age and DHs preference. If those things were not as important then yes, I’d probably have been tempted to have another.

I do understand wanting a certain gender, I felt quite jealous of my friends who had one of each as it did feel to me like they would have the ‘full experience’. We have 2 girls and I would have felt the same with 2 boys. We don’t want a third, we’re at the max energy and finance wise, but both my husband and I felt a bit disappointed neither was a boy as we just wanted that experience too. However as they’ve grown our girls are quite different to each other in interests and personality and we are experiencing different children, without having to have a different gender.

Gender disappointment is complete bollocks and i don’t think we should be pandering to it.

It’s one thing to say you’d like a boy or a girl, it’s quite another to be upset that you’re not having one.

people come on here and talk about how they’re in tears and devastated and posters actually talk about it as a grieving process.

A couple of weeks ago there was a thread on here from a poster who said that she hadn’t been able to stop crying since finding out that she was having a boy as a girl was all she=‘d ever dreamed of.

And a poster actually came on and said “I’m sorry for the loss of the girl you won’t have.” And I thought that was disgusting. To compare not having a baby of choice to the loss of losing a child is abhorrent.

I have a friend whose parents kept trying until they had a girl. Their three boys all turned out to have good careers, decent lives, never caused any trouble, and their DD went totally off the rails as a teenager. Got into under aged drinking and drugs, was pregnant at 15 and had had two terminations by the age of 18. She’s got her life together now thankfully but I don’t think she was the lovely girl her parents had pined for.