“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

It may be reasonable to “want” one in the sense that you think in the abstract that it would be nice. It’s absolutely not reasonable to keep on having babies until you get the “right ” sex.

I am quite shocked that people think this is reasonable behavior: I think it’s appalling. It’s highly likely to damage the existing children who will grow up thinking they are “not quite right” because they knew you were desperate to have a child of the other sex.

Its also highly likely to create a situation where you have more children than you can afford.

Finally it suggests a moronically poor grasp of biology.

I think it's normal for a lot of women to want girls.
Every pregnant woman I have known has wanted a girl. And of course loves the boy that they then have and wouldn't change them.
It's not ok to mention it in front of the kids of course.
Ive always wanted a daughter - and no, it's nothing to do with pretty dresses and imaginary trips to the salon. My girls love the hulk and clothes of all colours. It's more about knowing what it's like to be a girl, a young woman etc, and guiding them through that. A boy is a bit of an alien concept... I've never been a teenage boy and feel I have less to offer. Plus the pressure of making sure they grow up to not be like the majority of men... huge.
Of course I'd love and cherish a little boy if that was in my path. But it's not wrong to want girls.

I think that this is a thing for a lot of women, but as someone with two daughters I've been shocked how many people asked my husband if we would try try again "for a boy" after DD2 was born. In fact his Nan asked it (with a sad, sympathetic tone) in the hospital when the poor kid was only about seven hours old. And it's no less offensive for the those daughters whose parents might be trying for a boy, is it?!

But no, of course if you're public about wanting one or the other and have a bunch of kids of the opposite sex, it's horrible for those existing kids. I had a boyfriend who was the second of four sons; two years between 1 and 2 and 2 and 3 and then a seven year gap before the final brother. His mum was clear he had been a last ditch attempt for a girl and he was hugely sad about this running "joke".

Just to put it out there - more male children are born every year than girl babies. It's a fact - but no-one can say exactly why. Plenty of theories as to why though

@crostini

I think it's normal for a lot of women to want girls

I don’t recognize this at all. None of my friends expressed a preference for either sex.

I have to be honest: I think it’s selfish, highly damaging and a bit stupid and if you think like this you shouldn’t be having kids.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Good job I've got my girls then

One of my friends had seven siblings as his Mum had kept going till she had a girl. I don’t think I had views one way or the other till I had dc and then I had two boys and thought a girl would be nice. I had twin girls and think four boys would of been a lot but 2 and 2 is just about doable.

@Greycarpet

When I had second, I assumed it would be another boy becaise no girls had been born into my husbakds family for over a hundred years

I think I read about you in the Metro. 😀

I pushed back very hard on suggestions that we’d be pleased if DC2 was a girl. I left no one in any doubt that if there was any expression of disappointment if baby was another boy they would not be seeing much of him. All delivered with smiles - but they knew I was serious.

No child deserves to be a disappointment, no matter how briefly.

I had no preference whatsoever when I was struggling to conceive. A healthy child was all I wanted.

4 children, boy, girl and then 2 girls, I understand why people want one of each, people dont normally admit to it irl. Friend in work had 2 boys and used to always say to me, I couldn't be doing with girls, they can be so devious, and me sitting there with my lovely girl at home, she had horrific pregnancies and said she was done, then got pregnant and lo and behold has the girl who is the best ever, our conversation about devious girls completely forgotten, people are mad!!

Agree with this 100%

This, that's all that matters surely.
To those who want a girl?
If you could have a boy born ok with no problems, or a girl born with serious health issues what would you rather?
Surprised people can't see it. Its strange.

Have you done IVF? The whole thing is a rollercoaster of things you can’t control, it’s shit and you being VERY unkind being so judgemental.

My second cousin did this. Four boys before she got her girl. And then of course said girl had no truck with the dolls and dresses her mother had spent the past decade accumulating. She just wanted to be like her brothers.

Growing up I always dreamed of having 2 of each and it's what I got. I still thank my lucky stars each day.

I definitely don't think that wanting at least one of each is a new phenomenon. I remember growing up all these families with 3/4 of the same gender trying for the opposite. Families were bigger back then so it seems most eventually got what they desired. You would hear the odd story of the family with 6 boys or girls but it was very rare. I do feel for those with disappointment, it's a real feeling and definitely not something you can just suppress.

I had a friend in my teens who was fifth girl in her family. Her father desperately wanted a boy and kept trying and pushing his wife until he got the son. It was sixth child. Her mother didn't want that but she was financially dependent on him so did it to keep the family.

By the time I met my friend she was 18, and her brother was 10-11. I remember her saying how her parents (even her mother) doted on the boy and couldn't care less about the girls once the boy was there. He was the golden child and everything was about him.

So everytime I see a thread about gender disappointment I think this is the way golden children are created. I know it's not the same with everybody but me being 45 I have seen this plenty. It is great if parents can hide they had a preference and manage to treat their children the same, but usually they don't and are the last to admit it.

I have four boys and a girl and, due to their birth order, most people think we kept trying for a girl…but we didn’t!

I had two DS from a previous relationship when I met my DH (who had no children of his own but had always wanted them). I wasn’t keen on having more but we decided to have one who turned out to be twin DSs. We decided to have one more and were honestly expecting to have another little boy, we even had a name picked out! We were extremely surprised to find out we were expecting a little girl.

However, the comments started almost as soon as we shared the news.

Ahhh you got your girl at last! Oh I bet DH is pleased - he will have a Daddy’s girl! You’ve waited such a long time for her, I’m so pleased for you.

It seemed that nobody realised or cared that we weren’t bothered about her sex at all, we hadn’t been ‘trying’ for her to be a girl, she wasn’t long awaited or even dreamt about. All we wanted was for her to be healthy.

As it is, she is an amazing young person, just like her brothers, I’m very proud of them all.

What I really. Hate is countries, usually places like China etc where having a girl is still perceived a second best and girls are still left to die in rural areas. Years ago I saw a programme called ‘the dying rooms’ with rooms filled with baby girls literally left to die. Ok attitudes have changed, but there are still countries where girls are not so valued.

Jokes on them, the countryside is full
of men who will never be able to get married. That is absolute calamity for a rural Chinese family. Especially as the bride prices have gone up, there is now money to be made with daughters (as gross as this is to mention, but it’s a very real thing among rural families)

It's horrible, but the problem in China was also the old one-child policy.
And then you have countries where sons will financially support their parents whereas daughters won't. If there's no welfare state, you can't really blame people in that situation for wanting a son.

What I also notice, living in a diverse country atm, is that my algorithm shows me pregnancy videos on ‘gender swaying’ and all the videos for Indians are on conceiving boys and all the videos for Westerners are on conceiving girls. Huge cultural divide here too

I wasn't judging her on doing IVF, I was judging her ridiculous reaction that her supposedly longed-for baby didn't have the right genitals for her.

YANBU. It's objectification, commodification, sexism, gender stereotyping.

And we wonder why boys are brought up so poorly.

A baby is an individual.

It's surprising parents think it is possible to hide gender disappointment from their children. "If it's not voiced or talked about, they won't know" - but of course they probably do, children know lots of stuff they aren't told. They will pick it up even pre-verbally.

That's why it is so important to be honest with yourself if affects you. Until you can acknowledge the feelings + start to own it in yourself and talk about/work through difficult feelings, it will be harder to mitigate any effects on your children.

It is very common. But it is also still quite taboo.