“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

As long as you don't treat it like you're on a gameshow - when you take the gamble and lose, the sad music starts to play and everybody knows how obviously devastated you are.

I know someone with 8 boys she divorced her husband after a few (he said no more) tried again with another man still boys I'm sure she wanted more just to get a girl

Several assholes people, when meeting my newborn DS2, asked if I “would try again for a girl.”

Shitheads.

I wanted a girl, I couldn't see myself as the mother of a son for some reason. Anyway I got my girl and she was, and is, a delight. I then had a son, and low and behold, I was more than able to be a boy mum as well, and he too is a delight. I do understand it though, and I think I would have been tempted to keep popping them out until I got my girl.

Aww it's always boys that are second choice, so sad.

Urgh. I hate this kind of attitude, particularly as it places such heavy emphasis on that girl (if they get one) fulfilling their preset expectations of what it means to be ‘a girl’ 🙄

Had this with ex-MIL & SIL (who had three boys), they put huge amounts of pressure on me (never ex!!) that I ‘must’ have a girl.

Had two sons first - their disappointment was palpable! Daughter arrived and it became obvious very quickly that she was also a ‘disappointment’ (to them!) because she wasn’t into frilly, pink, Dollie’s, etc, etc. Their interest quickly waned…

I have two boys. I'd have liked a girl, but not enough to try for a third!

Had this with ex-MIL & SIL (who had three boys), they put huge amounts of pressure on me (never ex!!) that I ‘must’ have a girl.

That's as ludicrous as on Deal Or No Deal, when somebody is pressured to open their box and told that they 'must' reveal a blue amount - like they have any say or agency in the matter whatsoever!

I'm not that poster but I'm one of two girls and all my cousins were girls so that's what I knew.
My preference for a girl was probably also born out of ideals of raising strong feminist girls.
Some of my friends wanted girls as they wanted wedding dress shopping and afternoon teas etc but I accept my daughter may want to move to Australia and she isn't into girly things in the slightest, it was more about identifying with her.
I don't have a son so don't know, some of my friends have lovely boys who I enjoy but I can't imagine having the same deep connection. Maybe I would have a boy and it would be the same, I don't know, but that's the truth.

There was a tragic case in Scotland several years ago where a family had 4 sons then had a girl . Sadly the little girl was killed and the parents went to court to try to win the right to choose the sex of their next baby to ensure they had a girl .
I remember reading about it and wondering how the bereaved brothers felt .

Meh. I grew up in a household where only boys were valued. As a female a small part of me is glad that girls are more wanted now, especially knowing that in many parts of the world boys are still valued very highly above girls. As pp said having a preference is fine but don't allow it to affect your dc.

Generally I don’t have much time for such displays, although it actually isn’t uncommon for people to cry at ultrasounds or the like so I am told.

But in a way a wail as per Sistine chapel followed by acceptance, followed by happiness is probably more healthy than years of pretence and quashing of feelings.

Fishing is entirely different to pumping out more and more children until one get's the preferred gender though.

I suppose, for the people who keep on having more babies than they otherwise wanted in the desperate hope for one of the opposite sex - at least they don't ever have to worry about them all not being able to share bedrooms once they reach adolescence!

Did you actually think I was comparing fishing to childbirth? 😂

If it wasn’t clear, the point is other people do things you or I might not. It doesn’t make them wrong and actually you don’t have to understand them because for the most part they aren’t your business.

I’m sure it in no small part has to do with what people themselves or those around them and definitely those on MN seem to do to their MIL. Always sidelined, often encouraging no contact because of horrible awful behaviour like daring to want to come visit and hold the baby, disrespecting you by eg feeding the kid a biscuit or having the gall to still want to see your son sometimes.
so scary prospect that some woman may treat you the same way one day. Easier to have a daughter…

It's perfectly reasonable to want a girl after 2 boys, or even after 1 boy. Why do people find this so hard to understand.

Boys and their mothers can definitely have a close bond.
I'd have found having a girl harder I think, but it all depends on the individual child.
An 'easy', happy child of either gender is going to be much easier to parent than a 'difficult' child.

Oh yes.. There is is much hatred on here for mothers in law, yet ironically these MIL hating women may well have sons who marry women who may despise them in turn..

They don’t deep down but for some reason MN hates it. My mum was the youngest of seven girls in a farming family. She was totally adored but her sex was a huge disappointment, there was a lot riding on having a boy in that family.

That's just bordering on crazy.

I have one of each and I'm really happy to have both. I come from a family of all daughters and was raised by a single mum so I could envisage more easily how I would parent a daughter and all the things we would do. We didn't find out the gender with either and my eldest is a girl, I won't lie I think if she'd have been a boy then second time round I'd have been more nervous.

My son is my younger child and he honestly completed our family in the most perfect way. As soon as he was given to me I knew I was done with children and we'd just been waiting for him.

If I had had two sons I wouldn't have continued to have babies for practical and emotional reasons, but I imagine there would have been a part of me that might have been a little sad that I'd never have the mother daughter experience. I know relationships in families are all different but coming from a big matriarchy I really wanted a girl.

Some of my friends wanted girls as they wanted wedding dress shopping

That sounds like absolutely madness to me - basing the perceived value and unique specialness of a new life that may last for 100 years on maybe two or three weekends shopping!

It's fine to have a preference/feel bad about it, but it's not fine to express this in front of little ones. I have a 6mo DD. My preference was a girl, but I'd have loved a boy all the same. And people can say what they want, but men are women are different (not as very young babies ofc). It's hard to pick apart which differences are sex driven, and which are driven by societal constructs. I'm I'm a same sex marriage, so it just felt more natural for us to have a girl. I also would have felt immense pressure to raise a 'good' man under patriarchy. I think parenting is hard anyway, but sometimes it feels there are so few decent men, and it would be hard not to worry about a little boy growing up in the age of easy access incel crap on the internet. And idk, it just felt like an innate desire to me to want a daughter, in the same way a lot of men want a little boy. I love and am friends with men, but idk, the emotional connection is just very different with other women and relationships with other women feel distinctly different to me.

And honestly, throughout history (and still in some countries) families have wanted boys, to the point girls are aborted and killed due to their sex, so I don't feel too upset about people having a girl preference on here 🤷

However, the point remains, that no child deserves to grow up feeling not good enough due to their sex, thought tbh I'm sure a lot of little girls experience this under patriarchy. And I agree it's ridiculous to keep having children for a specific sex. Have a child because you want one. Not for other reasons.

When I was in the hospital due to postpartum complication after my second boy, a nurse advised me to try for third one - she had 2 boys and she regretted that she never tried for a third. Well, I gave up the idea and never tried for a girl and gave no regrets. I somewhat hoped for the 2nd child to be a girl but it didn't happen and now I'm rather glad, I hope they will be easier to parent, fewer MH problems and more predictable. Being men, their lives will be easier, too, as we still live in patriarchy and things won't change in my lifetime.