“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

I have three of one sex, then an opposite. IMO the judging is about not having two kids. The perfect set up. One of each. People judged me when I had one, when I had my third and more so with my fourth. That's what seems to piss people off. Daring to not have the perfect classic set up.

I wanted girls, luckily my first was. I don't think I'd have kept having kids until I had one though! 2nd/last was a son, and although I had a slight preference for another girl I was happy either way. He is wonderful and now I'm not sure why I thought I wanted girls more! Wouldn't change him

People have all sorts of reasons. In my case I really wanted a boy first time because I am the oldest child and had a horrible relationship with my mother through the teenage years. I thought a boy might be easier to handle and as a child I always wished I'd had an older brother rather than a younger one. Second time round I was pleased to have a girl and therefore a balanced household and family. MIL has three boys and basically neglected herself for their football/music taste/activities to the point she barely seems female anymore! Not that that is inevitable by any means I know! Same situation with my grandmother now I come to think of it.

@Ladamesansmerci raising a good man under patriarchy! That's exactly the pressure I feel with my son, I didn't expect from a young age to think about the societal expectations of a boy or girl but I do. Your initial paragraph sums up so much of how I feel about a girl or a boy (I do have one of each) but coming from a female dominated family having a girl just felt more natural to me.

100% agree that no child should feel different due to gender, I come from a culture that traditionally favours boys and heard a lot of comments growing up from people not closely related about what a shame it was we were all girls. And the older generation were over the moon when I had my son as we hadn't had any boys in my generation at all even amongst cousins which reminded me a lot of all the times gender preference annoyed me as a child.

I have one of each. When I was pregnant with my second, my husband and I discussed whether we'd ever consider having a third. He said that if we had a second boy he might be more up for having a third to try for a girl. I felt the opposite, that if we had a second boy I'd be less likely to want to try for a third because I would never be completely sure that we hadn't done it just to try for a girl, and I would never want either of my boys to feel that they weren't what we wanted. We ended up having a girl second time round. Now I would be up for having a third (and I wouldn't care whether we had another boy or another girl) but my husband is done.

I am glad I have one of each because we get to have the experience of raising a son and a daughter. I absolutely adore my son, but if we hadn't had a girl I think a part of me would have regretted not being able to share the experience of womanhood with my daughter. But we have no control over these things, and I think it's horrible to keep trying in the hope of getting a child of the other sex, or to make your existing children feel unwanted, for such a silly reason. That's easy for me to say though, because we got what we wanted. I can't imagine loving a second son any less than I love my first son or my daughter though.

I'm lucky and have 2 boys. Having one of each isn't better, it's just different.

I knew a family like this. Had 3 boys then a girl and said they would have carried on if it was a boy until they had a girl. I had 3 girls and he asked my husband when we were having another because we had to keep going until we had a boy. He wasn’t a proper man without a son 😂

Oh no absolutely I know plenty of people with 'mummy's boys' who rightly adore their lovely boys.
I definitely don't have an 'easy' girl, she doesn't sit down and comply at all and her behaviour is objectively worse than some of her friends who are boys!
I think,and this is for me, I imagine identifying less and less with a boy as they grow into a teenager and then a man. Whereas with my daughter even if she can be difficult and probably will be a nightmare teenager, I still feel just a profound sense of identification and connection that I can only imagine will grow as she grows into an adult woman.

Now what I imagine what not be the case at all but it's partly what drives my preference for girls. It's hard to convey what I mean!

I do often wonder why, when there is gender disappointment these days, that it's when a boy. I have yet to hear someone be disappointed that it's a girl. (Not for the past 35-40 years anyway.)

I'm not saying people don't want boys, and many are happy to have a boy; just as happy as if they had had a girl ... But it's just when there is gender disappointment, it's always when it's a boy. (Largely in the Western world. In other cultures they revere boys, and are very disappointed if the first born is a girl.)

I had two girls. I definitely wanted a girl 100%. If my second had been a boy, I actually wouldn't have minded. But I'm so happy to have two girls ...

I genuinely wouldn't have been happy to have two boys. I can't explain why... I just always had a very, very strong desire to have a girl. DH really wanted girls too, but like me, would been OK if the second one had been a boy.

I mean, of course, you still love them, don't you? But I am so happy we had girls. No way in hell would I have kept having more to try and get a girl if I had had 2 boys though... I did used to know quite a few families (when people used to have a lot more children pre-late 1980s,) who had 4 or 5 boys as they had just kept going to try and get a girl. I also knew several families who had all girls though, who kept going to try and get a boy!

I do think (if their IS gender disappointment, that more women are disappointed with a boy ... I wonder if there is some deep rooted thought in a woman's head that tells them that if they have a girl, they will have a friend for life, and someone to look after them when they're older - because men tend to be more likely to be lazy and thoughtless. It's always the girls/daughters who look after the older family members. Very rarely the boys/sons. IME most men do fuck-all for anyone but themselves.

I mean, you're not guaranteed that a girl is going to be a friend for life and help you when you're older, or that a boy will fuck off and do his own thing and not be arsed with you 90% of the time, but those scenarios are more likely than not to be fair. In the experience of most people I know/have known.

Some women I know (mostly 50+) had/have a mother who wanted a son, and ended up with a daughter, and never stopped letting her know how disappointed she was. Some went on to have a son after, who could never do wrong, and was her clear favourite. These mothers never hid that fact!

Feelings are feelings and not something that is right or wrong. What you do or say about those feelings is different and can be very wrong!

I’ve got 4 boys, yes a girl would’ve been nice too but clearly someone thought I was destined to be a mum of boys, I didn’t ’keep trying’ to get a girl and I was over the moon with each lovely boy I brought into the world.

I did feel a bit of a stab of jealousy when a friend had her 4 th after 3 boys and had a girl. She’s tries to rub in all the ‘girly’ stuff they do together in since, we aren’t friends anymore mind you. I have a lovely niece and 2 nephews. So I don’t judge others, difficult sometimes to not feel a bit envious or disappointed we are all human after all! Doesn’t mean we aren’t happy with our lot, I love my 4 boys and can’t imagine having had girls now

I think its a shame. My ex was 2 boys and a girl (youngest) she was definitely treated like a princess. Went to school with a boy, one of 11, there were 10 boys and the 11th was a girl.

A friend has 2 boys and has a 3rd (girl) and all the comments were about how wonderful it would be to finally have a girl and she rightly came back and said ALL the lovely things about her boys.

I understand people have gender disappointment, which is a shame, but to literally tell the kids that - when some people can't have children and would love to be in their position with "unwanted" gender children.

My opinion may be controversial but all this "gender disappointment is real" is absolute bullshit and of course it affects the children, even if these parents tell themselves it doesn't.

I'm a mum of two boys. After many years of infertility and ICSI treatment, in extremely grateful to have two healthy children.

After 8 years of fertility issues followed by problems during pregnancy I absolutely do not understand. I think some people need a reality check.

I feel so lucky to have a wonderful son, so the idea that anyone would feel disappointed to be in our situation makes me feel sad for all those boys.

i think having boys as the preferred gender of a child was the norm for centuries. a few mothers wishing for daughters seems like a drop in the ocean in comparison.

I don't think anyone suggested I should try for a girl after my second son was born. Maybe the 10 year age gap was more socially astonishing than having 2 children of the same sex!

Has it occurred to you that in an alternate universe where the first borns were girls they may be trying for a boy? IE that the point is to experience parenting boys and girls both; and to give the kids siblings of both sexes?

however in a world where girls are literally selectively aborted (the only logical explanation for the skewed stats) in certain (Australian and probably also British) areas that align with a certain sex being culturally favoured by the local population,) I think it’s no terrible thing if a few girls are sought and waited for and desperately wanted.

https://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/articles/2018/release/gender-bias-leads-to-more-male-births

I completely agree. My mother was disappointed with having me as a child. Growing up feeling unwanted and unloved has a life long impact.

I bet this is really common. I've been asked more than once if I will try again for a girl. People think boys and girls are so different that you need one of each to complete the set. Also lots of people comment about having "girly" days and such with their daughters.

In France you are not allowed to find out the sex of your baby until after the legal time limit for abortion has passed.

What was your friend doing to be 'rubbing in' all the girly stuff that she did with her daughter.

Do you think your jealousy and resentment because of her having a girl is the reason you're not friends now, rather than her 'rubbing your nose in it' that she had a girl (after 3 boys...?)

(You did say you felt a pang of jealousy...when she had a girl...)

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Gender disappointment threads on here always seem to be about having boys. Maybe it's because it's mostly women and I suppose being female feels like something we 'know' whereas boys are a bit more alien?

Anecdotally I thought I wanted a boy, no idea why I could just see myself with a little boy, had a boys name I loved etc. She was a girl and now she is here I wouldn't have her any other way!

There's an Instagram influencer who is currently pregnant with her 3rd after 2 boys and it actually annoys me how OTT pleased she is about her baby being a girl- she actually posted that 'a daughter is the universes ultimate reward for me' or something daft, I feel sorry for her boys reading that one day!!

I don't get it all.
Probably as I felt the opposite. I wanted a boy. A lot of people I knew had boys around the time and took to motherhood quite easily and had easy babies. I'm not girly anyway and was convinced I didn't want a girl.
I didn't find out the gender because I thought I'd feel huge gender disappointment if it was a girl.
Guess what- she was a girl!
And it was so so hard. I've never had another as she's never been easy. Totally full on, doesn't sleep much.
Are boys easier?
I've heard my friends who have one of each saying so.

It's irresponsible and daft to keep having babies to get the gender you want. I know a few people with 4 boys or 4 girls who kept going and still didn't get the gender they wanted.

Not if the other option was something you really didn't want.
Especially as both options are babies, who need to be loved and cared for either way.
I can see why people have a preference, that's ok, but desperately desperately wanting something that you might not get is not a reason to have a baby.

I have 3 boys, didn't hope for a girl with any of them, didn't mind at all, not an ounce of disappointment. However, I would have loved a DD, and would have a 4th if a girl was guaranteed. But it isn't, so we are done. Never understand people who keep going until they get what they want. Preference is one thing, but to keep having babies for that reason alone is mad.