To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

How old are they? How incredibly strange of her.

I find that weird, Im thinking that others wont. How old are they?

4 and 5. One has sensory issues surrounding having her hair washed/brushed as well so the whole process is pretty traumatic without also having miniature dreadlocks.

No advice OP very strange behaviour from mum.

I'm sure he has tried it all but the childs farm deranging spray is really good. Also having the correct brushes etc.

It's not your business. I get that it sort of is your business because of the whole brushing routine but it's also not your call and I wouldn't get involved other then occasionally to buy conditioner and make sympathetic noises at your partner

Has the mother got any religious beliefs surrounding hair??
Its very sad for the children but if it is clean and nit free, I don’t think it would be classed as neglect unless it cause them harm??

My daughter's never had her hair cut, she's 8. She likes it long, I like it long. We just brush it till its smooth. If it's regularly brushed, I don't know how your DPs daughter's are getting so matted?

I think your dp needs to step up massively. No excuses, no reasons I can’t go into rubbish. They are both leaving this and not doing anything about it. If she’s neglectful so is your partner.

I've bought some salon quality products to try and improve the condition of their hair even, unfortunately it seems unsalvagable.

I think your dp should just take them both for a haircut tbh, whatever the reason for his reluctance it shouldn't trump his children's welfare. It's downright cruel to subject a child with sensory sensitivities to pain and distress every day when it's so easily avoidable.

Does their hair get brushed during the week? The matting could be due to the condition but also could simply be hair type. My daughter's is thick but fine at the same time, it knots very easily at the back and it doesn't take long before there's a problem. I have her for half the week so it can get really knotted before I can sort it. I section it, use enormous amounts of conditioner and comb, comb, comb.
I think it is neglectful. I wouldn't make it about the hair length, that seems a slightly adjacent issue. If their mum is not brushing it twice daily and using leave in conditioner, putting into plaits etc, then it will end up matted.

Is there a reason your DH doesn't spend more time with his children? If he did he'd have more say over matters like this

Do the girls themselves want their hair cut?

If the 4 year old has sensory issues and hair washing is difficult I can imagine a haircut would be even worse.

That sort of age is very difficult with haircuts and some children do refuse/have tantrums etc in hairdresser situations.

It's likely if he tried to get it cut there would be bigger problems.

Not religious, no. Her grandparents were of a particular culture, but her parents are not and neither is she. The tradition has passed down, however.

Could your partner apply for 50/50 shared care? He would surely then have more say in their day to day care.

No need to wash the hair as the mother is dictating the length. Let her do the shampoo and combing through.

Hair condition is multi-faceted; they have slightly textured hair, their diet is generally poor and lacking, and there was reportedly never any focus on caring for the fact their hair was long.

One night a week? That’s really bad.

You lose all right to have views on stuff like appearence, cleanliness and hygiene if you minimally parent your children.

It will be extremely annoying to the mum in this case to have her ex braying on about hair if he isn’t up for 50/50 care.

Some children with sensory issues have absolute meltdowns over haircuts whether done at home or in the salon.

Ok so the hair is a distraction. Your husband thinks they aren’t being adequately patented by the mum. Is he going to court to get a lives with order?

It's really not that simple; there will be significant repercussions if he were to purposely go behind her back to get it done. They're not even allowed to get their clothes dirty.

*parented

Can you put their hair in a plait or french plait so it doesn’t get knotted? Satin pillowcases also might help them keep it less knotted.

Are they coming to your house with matted hair OP, yet the DM expects the DC to be bathed before they go home to her? Your DP had his DC one night a week, how often is this issue happening?

OP can you answer about why he doesn't have the children more? Especially as he thinks they are being neglected. It's odd that she's obsessed with cleanliness but doesn't care for their hair