To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

My daughter has beautiful hair but when she was little it was very hard to keep looking nice. Loads of hair and it knotted easily. She hated having her hair brushed too and would hide her hairbrush. I used to brush her hair when she was asleep. The only things that helped were brushing her hair when she was asleep and plaits. I used to cut out the worst knots, she had so much hair it didn't make any difference. She only had it cut when she was about sixteen, but once she got past being very little she used to manage her own hair. Now as a grown up she ties her hair up when she goes to bed and has a silk bonnet. She says that helps to make sure it doesn't knot in the night. If I was you I wouldn't touch their hair other than to plait it or put it in a pony tail. It probably needs a good trim but that's up to their mum. As pp have said you could buy them silk pillowcases and see if that helps. I sometimes use hair oil on my rather unremarkable hair and you could try that to smooth it.

Ahh, fair enough. No I didn’t read them, my apologies.

I think the problem might be OP’s many contradictions that all make little sense. But miraculously lead back to hero dad, bitch ex wife and don’t forget the long suffering side character of new girlfriend. We read it on here all the time, people are going to point out the holes in her story.

She’s got enough to do having them by herself for the remaining 6 days and night of the week.

It's standard practice in some cultures

The children having long hair in itself is fine but yes, allowing it to get to the state of being matted and dreadlocks is neglectful. If she is refusing to allow them to have a hair cut she must ensure that this it is brushed / detangled and well maintained.

Your DP needs to stop washing their hair. Let their mother deal with it.

Our three and nine year old have never had their hair cut, I don’t my hair. Our son has fairly fine hair but lots of it, so the nape of his neck tangles very easily, it isn’t unusual for small matts to form over night that need carefully picking out.

If he genuinely thought his children were being neglected he wouldn’t return them after contact.

Can you plait it before activities and bed?

Do both children like it long?

You should have lead with this.

you and your dp have her for one night, her mum has her the rest, children with sensory issues around their hair are extremely hard work.

‘Verging on neglect’ is a ridiculous statement in this situation. Not cutting your child’s hair isn’t a huge deal, you’ve got other issues with this woman clearly.

Hi OP,
I've read all your posts. I think "Neglectful" might be a bit strong to be honest. Clearly there are lots of other issues around this but this alone, whilst strange, isn't outright neglect.

It also depends on their hair type. My daughter has curly hair and one sleep on it and it's matted. For this reason I plait her hair at night and, to be honest, most of the time.

If they have normal/straight hair that clearly takes a few days to become matted then that is a problem. If she isn't brushing it etc. sensory issues are hard to deal with too.

I would quietly just note this, plait the girls hair, and bide your time until this goes through the courts.

For my daughter’s birthday a few years ago I booked her and her friends a hairdressing party at the local kids salon! Could you do the same thing for the next daughter’s Birthday? They gave my daughter a wash, cut blow dry and glitter braids, and her friends the glitter braids?

My youngest daughter has hair that is vulnerable to tangles, so whenever I go to the hairdresser she comes with me for a haircut, and each morning I spend ages making sure that her hair is completely knot free! It’s fairly traumatic for both of us as I don’t want to hurt her, and occasionally I pull on a knot and it hurts her!

My eldest daughter is 12 years old and insists on going on her own and choosing her own hairstyles, my only role is to pay for it!

It’s not normal not to look after your children's hair responsibly which includes regular hair cuts… especially if letting their hair get tangled and matted.

As OP highlights… intensive conditioning and serums can’t achieve everything!

I don’t think not cutting hair in general is neglectful, some religions/cultures never cut theirs and can have beautifully conditioned hair!

Just an idea ….If chlorine damaged from a swimming pool even in the past, no amount of expensive or specialised shampoo/conditioner will work - hair will be like a well played with doll’s hair. So try special swim shampoo that actually unlocks the chlorine - may take several shampoos over weeks, then use a detangling spray/brush carefully.

My child was a nightmare and eventually do autistic. But if hair is long it needs to be looked after and still needs split ends trimmed. Their father can do that- he also has parental duties.

otherwise bathe them but don’t wash hair and leave that for the mother.

There must be something else going on as my daughter is 5 and has never had a haircut (so hair all the way down to her bum and its curly) but it’s completely manageable. It’s washed when needed with normal shampoo and conditioner and brushed morning and night with a few sprays of detangler. I put it in a loose plait overnight to prevent it getting tangled. Takes literally a minute. The ends are a bit dry but nothing unmanageable.

They could be undiagnosed ASD Op, how do you truly know? You won’t know them that well!

I think diet will have something to do with it like you said. Can you work on improving that when they’re with you? Supplements, giving highly nutritious meals. Keep going with the intense products.

So traveller girls don't cut their hair. So going behind her back is not a good idea. Just saying

@TY78910 My son we cut it at 26 months we are a natural blonde family so hair very fine and the ends were just starting to look tatty. And he had new hair but his baby hair hanging on at the back it was not one hair style. He would pull on it so didn't help. Everyone is different.

Your DP is barely a parent. One night a week! Their hair should be the least of your worries - why aren’t you telling him not to be a deadbeat @newtothis0 ?

This. Bit rubbish, but hardly harming the children so not neglect!

I know you're not happy about their hair and in an ideal world it wouldn't be an issue but if the girls are clean and happy otherwise, making an issue out of their hair isn't ideal. Does DP need to wash it - has mum specified their hair must be washed?

Is he a good "hands on" dad? No doubt he's told you what life was like when the family were together so you'll have an idea of the history. My best advice is to enjoy the time he has/you have together with the girls and don't make an issue of their hair or their mum in their presence.

The bottom line is DP needs to sort it out with their mum and if he gets no joy then he may have to adjust to the situation.

In my younger days my sister had a stepdaughter whose hair always looked like it needed a good trim - so I did it - she was probably 4 - mum never noticed.

Allowing the girls to have long hair is not an issue. Both my girls have hair past their knees and they are incredibly proud of it (no surprise, they are big Rapunzel fans!)

It is the state that is the issue.

If my girls are going somewhere like a funfair etc, their hair goes up in a bun or a plait out of the way and so it doesn't get knotted etc.

I use a good conditioner, and after the summer holidays it just has the very ends off, if I ever saw it in poor condition or split ends I would take them for those too, but they just seem to have incredibly strong hair.

They use a, conditioning mask once a week which they do themselves (7 years old if that info helps) and I put on a leave in conditioning spray afterwards.

I would suggest putting on some anti tangle spray at the start if the day and learning how to put it up. It's quick once you've learnt, but in my case I admit it took a bit of practice!

Curribg their hair against their mothers wishes (and possibly against their wishes) I think would end very very badly.

But definitely talk to her about the hairs condition and maybe but the girls some hair condition and detangke spray each for their stocking this year and a tangle teeze brush to help!

Good luck x

I wouldn't get involved especially were sensory issues.

A great detangler is called cowboy magic, or something similar and a tangler teaser brush.