To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

Yes, entirely related to the reason he's not going against her wishes and getting their hair cut without her agreement.

Same here. DD is 4. We both have very long hair - everyone comments how she has 'hair goals' and they are not matted nor damaged ('virgin hair' wouldn't damage unless heat is applied).

Sounds like they don't brush hair regularly maybe because of the sensory issues OP mentioned

And knowing their diet is generally poor and lacking he doesn't try for 50/50 custody for what reason?

It is not amicable, let's put it that way. Proceedings are ongoing but it's a slow process.

That's tricky 😳 I would tread very carefully until court proceedings are over.

Honestly, you really have no idea. If it were up to her, he wouldn't be involved at all out of sheer spite. These children have so far been used as weapons against him.

YABU

The child with sensory issues that doesn't like their hair getting washed and brushed, could very well be autistic and autistic children are known to be active sleepers which contributes to tatty hair. I think you need to show compassion here rather than judgement. It's easy to criticise when you're just a very part-time Disney step parent.

I have experience of an autistic child who thrashes around so much in her sleep that hair brushing is a nightmare for everyone concerned. I'd be extremely annoyed if some busy body accused me of neglect over it.

My youngest child 9yrs old has never ever had her hair cut. Nothing neglectful about not having hair cut.

You do not come across well in your comments. Save your judgements and try to be supportive and compassionate towards their mother who is a full-time parent with sensory issues on top to deal with.

OK OP, I have a DD with long curly hair taht gets matted very quickly.
We use the Aussie leave in conditioner and a wet hair brush Disney brand, anything else doesn't work for her hair.

If they are only with you for one day a week, i think I'd be getting the girls a novelty shower cap each and let their mother deal with the washing of said long hair. Obviously you'd still have to brush it but not torture the poor girls with dealing with it while wet as well. Child's farm detangling spray is very good.

Thanks for the armchair detective concern, but she's not autistic, neither is she an active sleeper, nor is compassion needed for their mum who refuses to agree to cut their hair as a means of control and instead allows her daughter to suffer.

As much as his ex can say there not getting their hair cut he has just as much say to take them which is what I would do.

*The Aussie leave in spray one, not the actual conditioner. We use the Ultimate blends conditioner, brown bottle, it has a coconut on the label.

This would quite honestly raise hell and prevent him from seeing his daughter's at all until she was quite literally forced, which is not due to be any time soon.

I don't think it's your call - you're not their parent. If their father doesn't want to do anything, I'd leave it. He could give them a bath without washing their hair. Leave that to their mother. If they only see him once a week, make it a quick bath or shower and use the hair wash time for a game.

"refuses to agree to cut their hair as a means of control and instead allows her daughter to suffer."

If he really thinks they are neglected and suffering then he should get their hair cut. But honestly OP you don't want to give any info about why the mum is evil and dad barely has the kids so it's hard to sympathise more with you because your posts don't come across well without the context.

It isn't neglectful not to get hair cut, no. Get a wet brush and decent detangling spray. Your partner should see his children more, it is poor to have such little contact with your own DC. If you're concerned about child welfare I'm surprised you choose to be in a relationship with a man that sees so little of his children. As they are young you are presumably a relatively new girlfriend, my advice would be to stay out of it.

If they're clean, fed and generally cared for this probably doesn't meet the threshold for neglect as much as it doesn't sound in their best interests.
If he thoroughly detangles and brushes their hair on arrival then braids it it should help a bit. If you know how to dutch/French braid their hair it could be worthwhile teaching him, or tell him to look up some YouTube tutorials.

What proceedings exactly?

Because detailing further potentially outing information online when there are legal proceedings ongoing isn't the smartest of ideas.

Intensive conditioner, hair oil and plait whenever they are with you. I have hair that tangles easily (very fine, but loads of it) and oil is my saviour.
It's a shame she won't allow a trim, but you like you've said, you need to pick your battles if you are already in a difficult situation.

You haven't bothered to read past the OP, evidently.

But what else were you looking for that person to say?

What is their hair type OP? You say it's unsalvageable but I really doubt that. There are tools and products to untangle hair and protective styles to keep them in (plaited ponytail/pigtails or a bun, for example). Silk pillowcases help too (perhaps personalised ones for Christmas?).

Has your DH approached the children's school to discuss any concerns regarding their welfare?

OP said a few posts in that
their diet is generally poor and lacking...

A tale as old as time (as told by the men anyway). If the hair is getting matted rather than just knotty then the wrong products are being used rather than it happening just because it's long.