To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

@newtothis0

try to ignore all the judgemental posts.

your partner could be an absolute saint & it would still be his fault.

some mothers will make it as difficult as humanly possible for the children's father to have more time with his kids (mainly to maximise CMS). Hopefully he'll get there soon.

This is a tale straight put of the crappy father handbook. Do they pull guys aside in school and give them these excuses or what?

Mean ex is super neglectful, only allows dad minimal time, he's apparently doing something vague towards having them more, however he also facilitates the so called neglect, new wife only slags off the mum despite the dad being a deadbeat who is also neglecting them.

We just need a "they split because she had an affair despite him being absolutely perfect" and thrown in there and its a full house.

The mum is odd, I know sensory children don't like haircuts but if you like long hair she could still trim it while the child is asleep. Their hair will be so unhealthy without a good haircut, your hair needs it for the ends to remain healthy.
My guess is that the mum doesn't really wash and brush it much when they're with her.

Also could you try to plait it to stop it from getting so tangled. ?

Yes totally agree their hair should be regularly cut, how annoying for them. As a help until that happens, this hairbrush is incredible for reducing brushing pain, my daughter (and I!) love it.

www.primark.com/en-gb/p/barbie-detangler-hairbrush-multi-991116192935

Unfortunately a poor diet doesn't necessarily meet the threshold for neglect either, many children are fussy or don't have big appetites or families don't have the money to provide a varied diet. If food is being provided that's all social services would be concerned with.

OH wow your so out of line. The mum totally deserves compassion and that child sounds to be struggling. Please don't think you know the kids better than their mum as you sound judgmental.

My DSD was exactly the same. Her mum refused all haircuts. She is also against any sort of personal hygiene for the children so has brought them up to think showers and baths are unnecessary so the detangling was a mission every time DSD got to us. When they were little it was a battle to get them to wash or brush their hair. The haircut thing we just had to accept as she would have stopped contact if we DH took DSD for a haircut. Some people on this thread have no idea what coparenting with a difficult person is like. It’s easy to say ‘just get their hair cut’ but they have no idea what the ramifications will be. My step children are teenagers now so DSD has to detangle it herself. Sorry OP, there’s really not much you can do

specific issue order application within proceedings to deal with the hair cut. if your partner has a solicitor they can advise on the merits.

Can he take them to get it braided?

Shampoo, conditioner, wash, brush, plait.

Simples, and tears are tough luck.

I say this as a mum of 4 girls who had long hair as children.

Step away from the hair!

Seriously leave it to your partner - they’re his kids so better he deals with it.

If you consider it neglect, then you must realise that both parents are complicit and therefore any reporting to teachers or social services must be about both of then? And why would you remain with a man who is neglecting his children?

It sounds a little like you're in a competition to be the best 'mum'.

I hope you are not derogatory about her in front of them.

My hair isn't even that thick but when it reaches a certain length I get a matted clump at the back no matter how often I brush it 😶

YABU I first cut my DD’s hair when she was 7 1/2 and she decided herself she wanted it cut. It’s not neglectful. For me it was about letting her have her own autonomy over her hair. My mother gave me horrible haircuts as a child so I really didn’t want to inflict any hair cuts upon her.

OP, apologies if this has been mentioned already, but have you tried lightly plaiting their hair at bedtime? Some of the worst matting happens while sleeping.

I love long hair, but I agree it is odd not to trim it and maintain it.

Well, when they get head lice, as all school aged children are wont to do, she may change her tune.

De-lousing and combing nits out of hair that long will be extremely painful.

I bought a tangle teezer a few years ago, {for long, thick hair prone to tangling} what a great buy that was.. It's plastic, but glides through hair like nothing else.

I don't understand why you are washing their hairs? You can surely just wash their body and skip the hair. He has 1 day with them and spends 1-2 hours of that dealing with their hairs?
If the mother doesn't wash their hairs then that's neglect. Not cutting their hair is not neglect.

Why don't you just ask the kids if they want their hair cut? I'm sure the mum will change her mind about long hair when the kids are in school getting letters that there's a nit outbreak in the class. Noone wants to spend hours combing for nits in long hair every week.

Has the daughter with sensory issues had an assessment for autism? You dismissed it quite quickly. My son has high functioning autism and he hates having his hair brushed, washed or cut. He often looks scruffy because the only way I can cut his hair is putting ear defenders on him and doing it myself and even then he is inconsolable. It takes 1h 30 min to do and I usually spend a week preparing him for hair cut day.

I do think you sound like someone with a bee in their bonnet rather than someone focused on the kids.

Funnily enough my autistic children either sleep in a spin or like the dead

Not your issue OP. Not even Dad's issue if the hair is clean.
Is the mum encouraging dreadlocks?
What does the mum say when the children are returned with matted hair?
Maybe she detangles once a week so as to avoid life revolving around hair brushing.

Some really bizarre responses in this thread. Leaving your young children’s hair to become matted is quite clearly poor parenting at best, neglect at worst.

Just because she’s their mum doesn’t mean she’s an amazing parent.

Neither Parent has taken the children for a hair cut so I would say both are neglectful.

has your DH or you tried plaiting it overnight to reduce the tangles?