To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

autistic children are known to be active sleepers which contributes to tatty hair

What a load of fucking outdated shit: I've got Autistic twins, neither of whom are 'active sleepers'.

Fair enough. The OP didn't mention autism so I can't say whether that's an issue here or not.

Id never had a hair cut until my step mum took me when I was aged 9 - went from below my waist to my shoulders. I saw my dad about 39 days of the year. You can imagine the response when I went home with less then half the hair I originally had. It was much easier to maintain. Not sure if dad can do this.

So there is a cultural aspect there.
YABU, my hair is very thick and wavy. I wash it every day and it matts and takes at least 30 minutes to detangle, regardless of the length.

It’s not really any of your business and you’re really grasping at straws calling this neglect.

From 2023, so I hardly think it's "outdated shit" as you so eloquently put it. Besides, because your Autistic twins don't thrash about in their sleep, it means it doesn't happen to others? Goodness, I must be imagining my autistic almost teenage child thrashing about like a shark every single night since she was little 🙄

Autism and Sleep Issues | Sleep Foundation

This is no way can be described as neglect. My daughter is 6 and has never had her hair cut. I have occasionally taken off the very very ends of her hair if it’s in a plait, but it’s not noticeable. If I parented 6 days a week and my ex parented 1 day a week and cut their hair, I would be furious.

Loads of conditioner, rinse, I used hair oil on my daughters hair, detangling wet brush and it takes 20 mins or so.

My mother preferred short hair because it was less bother - really didn't suit me though. I remember friend at (secondary) school celebrating with me when I was finally able to grow it longer.

Your asking about neglect yet your partner sees his children for 1 day/night!!! Maybe the children like there hair long.

This is the best example of projection I have ever read. Not every kid who doesn’t like something or has sensory issues, has autism, is on the spectrum, has a disorder etc. I know it’s quite shiocking in 2024 but sometimes kids just don’t like taking baths, or having their hair brushed or having their hair washed without having ASD.

The OP sounds caring and it sounds like a difficult situation currently under evaluation, She has clearly been vague as to not out anyone or anything.

I think the neglect comment could be broader from other points made or perhaps “wishful thinking” to help their case.

Do they sleep overnight at dad's? Get them each a pure silk pillowcase

My 4yo has never had a hair cut and if my ex who only saw them one night a week cut their hair after agreeing not to I would be fuming!

It’s not neglect to just not cut their hair, it’s not necessarily a kind choice though if it’s bothering the children. But it’s not yours to make - it’s the parents who have agreed not to cut it.

too tip- for my very curly slightly textured kids we use this and it makes their hair sooooooo much easier to manage, it’s magic!

https://www.superdrug.com/hair/hair-conditioners/leave-in-conditioner/palmers-coconut-oil-formula-leave-in-conditioner-250ml/p/422400?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADp4mz8lEES2z1eITQN0rsgBVJ8tU&gclid=CjwKCAiA9bq6BhAKEiwAH6bqoFKhK8AuqFPH0h8pOQPcpcW94BYUxPapYzoOy72MJihMYgderKi9WRoC6gUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

I didn't say the child has autism, I don't know the child in question, nor am I qualified to assess!

I said "could", merely as a suggestion, as it is a possibility, not a certainty.

It took someone suggesting autism to me before things clicked into place with my eldest child.

I use that as I have similar texture in my own hair . It's brilliant.

I don't think the not cutting is the issue as much as the hair isn't being combed or even trimmed every few months. Although it may need chopping off now if it's got this bad.

But you are caring for her hair or encouraging her to care for it. That's the issue here - care and condition of the hair not the length.

Sorry I’m a bit confused, you said up thread the hair isn’t cut for cultural reasons related to wider family. And you then say the hair is neglected and not well maintained but mum is particular with hygiene and with their appearance being clean.

This very confusing and doesn’t make much sense with the contradictory statements.

My daughter’s hair matts overnight, I don’t neglect her. I do simple braids and a silk pillowcase, invest in some good hair oils and leave ins. It will be fine. Wet brush and god send too.

Is their hair consistently matted? Dirty? That’s a sign of poor hygiene which is turn is a sign of neglect, technically. Especially if it’s causing the children pain. You both have a responsibility for those children and your partner shouldn’t really be allowing this. It wouldn’t be an issue if the children had clean, unmatted hair that caused no pain or distress for them

A single Mum maybe working or maybe not trying to manage two little girls on her own the majority of each week ( maybe health issues herself) And one with big sensory issues. And a single " fault" is seen as neglectful. Maybe it is a hill she does not want to die upon. Maybe she needed back up when partner lived with her and wasn't getting the help she needed. There is a bigger picture that you nor us do not see here. Is your partner providing regular money for food/ clothing/afterschoolclubs? Does the Mum have mental health or alcohol problems? Does she have any extended family support?

A quality hair oil would be useful to apply to stop the maths occurring.

Is she a traveller?

When you said her grandparents are of a particular culture, that the tradition has passed down could you elaborate on that ?

Surely you would just trim the hair a few inches just to keep it healthy. If you want them to have quite long hair. But it does need maintenance. The fact it's so matted all the time seems as if the mum isn't brushing/combing enough or showing them how. If he/you just cut a little bit off surely the mum can't say much?
The children themselves should also really be able to choose what hair they want, within reason. I don't know if it would be classed as neglect from an SS perspective. Threshold for that is a lot higher I think.

While it’s not something I’d choose for my DC because of the time needed from both parents & children, no I don’t think that rises to the level of parental negligence. Using that incredibly loaded & accusatory word is unlikely to be productive.

Yeah I’m a social worker and it’s unlikely to meet the threshold based on what the OP has said. But it does sound like perhaps their mum may need some support if she can’t maintain their personal hygiene

Yes it’s certainly neglectful in terms of a dictionary definition. Not necessarily for social services.

I mean do you really want to entangle yourself in this messy situation? It’s easy to see the ex as the villain (and she very well may be) but your partner chose to have kids with her. And not just once.

Anyway. I’d put the hair type on here with exact details of the problem and hope that someone with expert knowledge of hair/that particular type of hair can help you sort the hair out.

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