To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

Are you on the right thread ?

I don't think not cutting hair is neglectful, but not caring for it at all would be. It's hard to tell though from your post whether or not their mum does wash and brush in the week and it gets tangled easily. I'm saying that as my own daughter (regularly brushed hair) can easily look like it hasn't been brushed for days as it's a bit wavy and flyaway.

Is the issue that you think the hair is in poor condition and needs to be cut, or do you think it is literally not being cared for apart from at yours?

My daughter was the same. But you still need to take them to get used to having it done. Sometimes only her fringe would get done. But by the age of about 8 she loved having her hair cut. I first took her about 18 months. But if they aren't taken they won't get used to it.

NRTFT but people saying that just brushing is enough....there is long hair then there is long hair.

Long straight causcasian hair....yep no problem.

Curly hair.....a problem

Part causcasian part afro.....MAJOR problem. Washing, conditioning and combing my DD;s long hair is a full afternoon job even with products, Her hair care actually costs more per week than our food bill now its just the two of us! Hers gets matted very quickly and easily.

So I can imagine that many mixes of heritage can cause similar problems.

It is not neglectful to not cut her hair, my granddaughter is four years old and has never had a haircut bar the fringe, so it is quite long. But her mum always combs and styles it so I guess that’s the difference. If my son took her to get a haircut behind her mother’s back, he would be crucified.

Your husband should invest in a good children's hair detangler from the hairdressr - it's a bit like conditioner.
He should wash the girls' hair when they arrive and completely detangle (it will take a while with a wide comb).
Then he should plait the girls' hair either side and then roll each plait - a bit like in The Sound of Music - and pin in place or use a hair net.
The girls would have tangle free hair that is free of pain and up out of the way for doing adventurous activities.
Before bed, and before going home repeat the detangling process. Over time, their hair will become much less frizzy with the conditioner applied and will be easier to detangle.

Ideally their Mum will have their hair trimmed and it will be even less frizzy and dry but you will still have to carefully plan to control, condtition, brush and keep it tangle free and suitable for action. Long hair is a committment.

My girls have fine hair, they had trims regularly when younger and it was still a slog to get through their matted hair daily, bath times consisted of hair masks, leave in conditioners, detangle sprays and lots of brushing but it still got matted unless I cut their hair to shoulder length, which they didn't like. They're 13 now and daughter with asd has her hair trimmed, but it still gets matted daily. Daughter who doesn't have asd but does have some sensory issues, now has very long hair and refuses to have it trimmed and it still gets matted, less so then her twins hair whose is trimmed regularly, weirdly enough.
They have the same hair type as me, mine is trimmed every 6-8 weeks and also gets matted easily.
Some people just have that hair type, no matter what you do to try to improve it.

I think it's a bit far fetched to say their mother is being neglectful unless she's not washing or brushing it at all.

Oh bullshit! To leave children that age with their hair uncared for is neglect, however you choose to term it! "Lack of time", my hairy hole - how long does it take to brush a child's hair now and again?!

I would be concerned if I saw a child with matted or unkempt hair. I'm surprised their teachers haven't raised it as an issue if it's that bad!

OK so you might want to keep the length, but a hairdresser should be tidying it up regularly, snipping off split ends etc.

Their dad needs to fight the bit out for more access to them though.

I’d be pretty livid if someone told me I was neglecting my child because I haven’t cut their hair yet. The audacity

My eldest screamed and kicked getting their hair cut when little. No SEN, just hated it. Took three of us to hold her down a couple of times. Hair was wavy/curly and looked very unkempt really easily. Guess what, as an adult they look after their own hair.

I agree with you. Some things you need to do for their own good.

My youngest's hair has always grown unmercifully fast. It's also massively thick. I have all these September photos of back to school with them looking like a yeti!! I promise, I did get their hair cut regularly along with the other two!!

If their hair was a matted, unkempt mess? That no products would fix?

And you don't think that's neglectful?

Really?

I used to have a work colleague and her three children looked like ragamuffins - they always looked like they needed their hair given a good brush!

My second was inclined to look like that - they 'petted' their hair instead of brushing, so I had to do it until they were quite a lot older than I would have expected. Needs must!

The OP said that one of them has sensory issues around brushing.

I don't think there is anything wrong in the children having long hair though might benefit from having a bit chopped off the ends sometimes. However, long hair needs care (I had it when young, mine was wild and wavy too, but I was a teenager and cared for it myself); most parents tie it back when children are at school and try to look after it, not let it get matted with split ends. If one daughter has sensory problems and hates brushing, maybe she should have shorter hair until she is old enough to see to her hair herself.

Nevertheless, OP, there really isn't anything much you can do, any move on your part would be deemed interfering. If the children's hair becomes overly-matted, making it difficult to keep thoroughly clean and tidy, the school will eventually intervene. Also in time the girls will want to do their hair as they please and that might well mean being cut to a modern style.

*edited because I misspelt bum 😅

DD is almost 10 and shes never had an official haircut. I trim the edges every now and then but she refuses to get it cut properly ( shes autistic )

DD's hair is down to her bum and never gets matted.

Can you plait it if to save it getting knotty ect?

If the children are attending school you've got to wonder why the teachers arnt concerned about this matted hair? Normally theyd raise concerns at childrens hair being like that

I'd have to wonder about that too.

Why does your partner only have his children one night a week? He can hardly make comments on neglect and poor diet when he is not there to facilitate any change.

It must be full of split ends. You should still get it trimmed or it will end up straggly. It can still stay long with regular trims.

Matted os jot necessarily down to it not being brushed.

My dds hair matts because she fidgets in her sleep, she also uas chronic eczema and scratches in her sleep. It always has right from being a baby.

I brush it daily, she hates it and it regularly results in tears but it has to be done.

I have had endless hours of detailing sprays etc and honestly mist of them make it worse because they leave a sticky residue.

If I were you DP I would take them to the hairdressers. He's their father so he can decide as well.

OK, I missed this one. Waiting for court decision I would just not wash their hair if I was your dp. He has them once a week so it's really not necessary.

You can hack off hair to shoulder length in a few minutes, honestly - less time than all the stupid detangling is taking right now.

Someone needs to intervene and just do it.

Mine does if I don't get it trimmed regularly. I think it's because it's just SO fine and when it's not cut blunt, it's just ties itself in knots and that's as an adult not doing half the playing/scrambling about kids do, and taking clothes off more gently.

@newtothis0 no, as long as it's clean & nit free it's not neglect. It's bloody annoying though!!

id suggest putting a plait in when they arrive

these brushes are a life changer, I'd never use anything else now

https://www.hairandbeautydepot.com/products/tangle-tamer-gentle

This! My children stay with family 4 nights per month, this is way too little for one of their parents to see them.

I also have children with sensory issues, anything to do with their hair is a nightmare. I have sensory issues myself and brushing my own hair makes me want to cry.

OP, I’m not really sure why you posted. You’re saying absolutely nothing can be done, your partner can’t intervene and barely has the children, you’re blaming the mum but won’t give even the slightest detail as to why. It’s like you just want people to agree that your partner’s ex is neglectful with absolutely no context .