He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

I'd be very wary of any man who is willing to give up his entire life to push his way into yours.

It's all on his terms isn't it?

There's a reason that he isn't allowing you into his home and he isn't being honest about it

Thank you for the support but he hasn't spoken disrespectfully about either. He told me a lot about the marriage which, whether this is true or false, he doesn't want the daughters to know too much of. He is unimpreseed by the daughters lack of any interest in growing up but has also not been derogatory. She on the other hand, behaves like a spoilt child either ignoring us with earphones in or barraging him with unpleasantness.
He's either an awesome liar, a complete wimp, or both.
Maybe it's a shame there wasn't an option to put that to the vote instead of aibu hey!

So where did you get the info about how her and her mother bled him dry finanially?

And if, as we are all suspecting, he's a lying cocklodger, it's not in the slighest bit surprising their family dynamic isn't great. You should meet ex BIL's family... phew.

Although on reading all of OP's posts, the 35 yr old daughter sounds a user.

Big RED FLAG!!! Whatever is in there he doesn't want you to see. Time to lay down the law or let this one go back to the wide open ocean of rubbishy men.

I don’t think the dad should be kicking the daughter out of her lifelong home just after her mother died for some blown-in he’s dating!

It’s none of OP’s business whether the daughter contributes or not - that’s between her and her father.

On a separate note, what the dad is telling OP doesn’t add up. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the daughter financing things, and the dad who isn’t contributing!

Have you asked him why Mondays and Thursdays are set in stone and he HAS to be at home on those two nights?

@Swimminglikeaswan

IMHO he's deeply 'enmeshed' with his DD and always will be. I mean, I would never choose a man over my adult children no matter what so I don't 'blame' him for keeping his DD 'uppermost', even if she is a drain. I think he's made a rod for his own back, but that's his decision. Do you really want to try to 'slot yourself' into that mess or do the monumental effort of trying to pull him out of it? I wouldn't.

As far as the house, there could be a zillion reasons from wanting to keep his house as his 'private refuge' to hoarding to having his late wife's body sitting at the kitchen table. The first I can understand to an extent, the wanting to keep my home 'to myself' at 6 months into a relationship. But bottom line is that although he's entitled to set whatever boundaries he chooses, it doesn't work for you.

I think it's time to throw this one back. Or at the very least stop being the 'Hotel Swimming' and tell him that things feel too one-sided with you always hosting him so from now on you'll go places with him but he's no longer going to be an overnight guest. And from now on everything will be Dutch treat. See how fast he runs.

In response to this, one of the recen tantrums was because some in-laws had a car each so they should give one of the cars to her sister as a spare. Entitled doesn't begin to cover it!
Have tried not to say anything too derogatory and be nasty but it's leading to me being misunderstood.

Just give up on rubbish men.
Since living just with a well mannered Whippet, life has been infinitely easier.

Who needs crappy men? Bruh.

Oh he is gorgeous

I don’t think the dad should be kicking the daughter out of her lifelong home just after her mother died for some blown-in he’s dating!

You might want to read OP's very first post, @cantarguewithfools, or even just the first two lines

The mum died 10 years ago, and while it's entirely his and his DD's choice how to handle it he could at least be honest

This is interesting.

If he spends 5 nights a week with you, he's effectively living with you.

Are you providing food and 'full lodgings'?

You say you've met his daughter (and tried to get along with her.)

Where have you met? Does she come to your house?

Even without the complications of an adult daughter at home, I don't think you can really know anyone until you see their home, their taste in furniture, what they like etc.

He could be a complete scruff, a hoarder, or even have another woman installed there! ('Bigamy' and double lives do exist.)

I'd set yourself a deadline or give him one.
If he really cares for you and his home is a mess why doesn't be clear it up?

Is that a greyhound, @oakleaffy ?

Sounds like you have a similar attitude {Username} to animals being better companions than rubbishy men! ''Dogs never lie about love'' as the book of the same name said.

Who cares? She’s lived there her whole life, and the living arrangement is between her and her father, not the OP who has known this man for six months, which is more like six minutes!

The OP seems to have lots of opinions about the daughter and the arrangement. I think she’d be far better bowing out and leaving them to it.

🤣 Blown in! Did you actually say that?
Ok to clear this up. HE'S BEEN SINGLE ON/OFF FOR OVER TEN YEARS. I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR FOUR. HE IS DOING THE PUSHING HERE AND MOANING THAT DD WON'T MOVE OUT WHILST DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT

She on the other hand, behaves like a spoilt child either ignoring us with earphones in or barraging him with unpleasant....

Where have you met her if you aren't allowed in his home?

He might be a lovely man but the daughter is using him financially and probably taken over the house. She might be a hoarder. However, he should be able to tell you honestly what's going on. I'm not someone who keeps secrets but some here do seem to favour more secrecy.

The fact he can't talk to you is the biggest issue. It's likely something like he hasn't cleared out his ex wife's closet for example, and the daughter not wanting him too, and perhaps her/their general mess. If you're the first person he's dated, he may not have had any motivation to make changes until now.

No, a smaller Whippet..she's a wonderful companion! Greyhounds are, too.

I'm glad you are waking up to his true nature and finding your anger, OP.

Can I ask, does he buy groceries, take aways, drinks etc? Or does he usually turn up empty handed and expect to be fed and watered? Does he offer to cook but only with your ingredients that you have bought?

She’s a beauty!

Of course you’re a blow in! It’s been six months! You barely know the man (and even less so as he won’t even let you in the front door 😂). You haven’t a leg to stand on with regards to his living arrangements with his daughter.

You’d be better off nipping this in the bud and finding someone more available.

I've read all your posts but I can't see where you have met his daughter.

Does she come to your house?

In very simple terms, if he is talking of you being together, seriously, then the usual way would be for each of you to sell up and buy somewhere together.