He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

He never stays on Mondays or Thursdays and it's pretty much set in stone! 🫡

He might think the atmosphere will be awkward at his place with his DD being there, whereas at yours it’s just the two of you having a cosy time. And he’d probably be right. Also he might not want to make her feel like a spare wheel in her own home. After only six months it’s probably just easier all round to go to yours.

“he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.”

Don’t assume this! In my previous job I visited lots of houses that looked very nice and presentable from the outside but inside was a different matter.

I’m putting my money on the daughter having too much of a say about what happens at home and him not having the balls to tell her to accept it or move out - after all, she’s got a cushy number if she’s in her 30s and still living at home, paying nothing. You mentioned she can be a bit stand-offish so maybe she tolerates you when it benefits her or she really has no other option? She might not be able to come to terms with her dad dating someone and maybe that has something to do with his previous dates not lasting. Has she got too much control over her father’s social/personal life? Maybe she thinks you’ll visit/stay one or two nights and end up moving in. She probably encourages him to be is at yours all the time or, even better, moves in with you so she has the family home to herself for free.

I’d be interested to learn from you, OP, what difference to your decisions the answers on here will make.

The daughter doesn’t have “too much say”. It’s HER home! Not OP’s who has known the dad a wet week!

Six months isn't that long to be dropping hints about living together. Especially when he has a 35 year old daughter he's been happy to co-habit with for, presumably, all of her adult life. He's not going to chuck his daughter out!

I'd assume that the death of his wife hit them both hard and probably the house is "as she left it" and the daughter isn't keen on the idea of any new partner. That's for him to resolve, or not. It doesn't sound like he wants to.

I had transposed the 6 months thinking wife was only a short time passed, thinking how the daughter may be full of hurt, however 10 yrs widowed this is highly unlikely, but the house may have some kind of trust whereby new partners are not to be brought into the house whilst family members reside.

He doesn’t feel right bringing you into his home which was his and his wife’s.

Thats it in a nutshell.

She's sitting pretty and uses the house as a gathering space most evenings. She speaks to him like crap, as do the grandkids she looks after at times, and he has to do everything for her including buying and running two cars.
I really feel for him on this one and he definitely struggles with standing up to any of them to be honest. Am only still here because he's so lovely but if he can't get someone who is mouthy and sponging to grow up there is a knock-on effect on me going forwards. My kids are much younger but independant. I don't want to go into sharing a home and bills with an abusive sponger on board. Sorry, it's an awful way to describe but i don't know how else to put it!

You may have met his family op but I do wonder if the daughter / family are as okay with your relationship as you think they should be. You've been together 6 months, this is no time. Regardless of if the daughter is 5 or 35, her feelings should be taken into account when you're visiting her home. Calling her a third wheel doesn't exactly put you in a good light either. They have had their relationship for 35 years, just because you're the girlfriend this doesn't mean you trump her position in the world.

It's Tuesday. Test this out. Is he coming over tonight and is this something you talk about or does it 'just happen'? Send him a message saying there's been a last minute change of plan and let's not do tonight but meet later in the week instead. See what his reaction is.

There's a piece of the picture he doesn't want you seeing, OP, and I don't think in your shoes I'd sweat too greatly about trying to find out what it is. The other issue is that he's taking a great many liberties for someone who has only been in the picture a short 6 months. That's no time.

If he's telling you he wants to be with you for life - again, a short relationship to be speaking in those terms - and bombarding you with reassurances but you still haven't crossed his threshold, then I'm afraid to say I think he's telling you what you want to hear to keep you sweet. Bear in mind the old adage 'there's no man more in love than one who needs an address'. And if he can't be honest at this point, where does that leave you?

Face it, he has it all his own way at present doesn't he? Short of LTB (which I think I would), at the very least I'd certainly do the following: reduce your expectations of him (as well as the number of nights he spends at your house), ensure that you keep your independence, and take a very big step back.

I'm spinning at the mo, have taken time out to think. I value some outside perspective as i think it's easier to see things clearly from a distance

Yes it might be HER home but she's 35 and still living there and contributing nothing as an adult. He needs to grow a pair, imho.

I think that there is something odd here, something which you don't know.

My gut feeling would be that PP has got it correct and the house belongs to the daughter and not to him, and that she's said he can't have visitors.

Next time you pick his daughter up to go somewhere, ask her - is it okay if I use the loo/have a glass of water/cup of tea? Get inside. It sounds too weird.

I would definitely say goodbye to a man who thought I was on call to keep him warm and fed, clean bedding, TV, baths and showers, but he wouldn't offer me so much as a cup of tea. Creepy.

For a man who is so generous to his late wife and daughter, it's amazing how little he spends on you.....

The more you tell us, the more I htink this man is telling complete PORKIES.

The fact he allows himself to be treated like crap by his DD and grandkids would be a turn off for me. He's not lovely, he is a wet lettuce.

Can i tell you a secret?
ME TOO!
The more you guys are pointing out, the more i am getting "bad budget movie" vibes and wanting to slap myself for being so DUMB! 🤣

Have you heard her speaking to him so awfully?

Honestly OP, I think this is all rubbish. So he has set days he sleeps at home. Surel you can see this is becuase something happens on those days that he can't change. Meanwhile, he's living rent and bill free in your house, you'r doing the cooking, shopping and cleaning as well.

And of course, he's telling you these awful stories about how horrible is wife and daughter are? If he's telling the truth - he's a useless man who has no control and if he's lying (which I think he is) how awful to be with someone who thinks so little of the women in his life.

I think I saw the back of my head rolling my eyes at that nonsense.

Oh OP, why allow yourself and your home be used like this?
Very sad.

No need to berate yourself, OP, though I do agree the bit about him being "lovely" might have been a bit misguided

These things aren't always obvious straight away, but IME the key is to get on and take action once they do become apparent

Sounds like OP is jealous of the close relationship this man has with his daughter.
The Daughter if she likes living with her dad is probably waiting to be left the house upon dad's demise, and doesn't want a new woman queering her pitch.

What happens on Mondays and Thursdays?